Unicorn Hunter: Not So Desperately Seeking Susan

I have to admit I’m looking for a woman. I’d like to meet a cool sexy woman and have fun times. But I find myself shy now because I feel kind of creepy hitting on girls. I don’t really know why. I guess I feel creepy that I’d ideally like to find a bi-girl that might have interest in threesomes or play with me alone and with others. It could be casual or she and I could be more involved, depending on our connection. She would not have to play with my boyfriend, but I’d love it if it worked out that way and all parties were interested. I love to share. This whole thing makes me feel like a unicorn hunter and I feel shy about that.

I get hunted a lot for my magical unicorn hide. By unicorn I mean “the elusive bi-babe” that newly poly people and lots of other kinds of couples seem to always be seeking. I don’t know if I’m a “babe” exactly, but I do all right. But I get a LOT of messages from couples and I have to admit I hate most of them.

I love threesomes. I’d like to date a couple, frankly, if that ever seemed like a good option. I’ve never had the lovely mmf “devil’s threesome,” but I’ve had a fair share of ffm threesomes and I love them. The devil’s threesome is on my list of things I’d love to try. I’ve been the “guest star” and been part of a couple, and been part of a group of three people that just want to have sexy times, and part of a triad (we were all dating). I love threesomes. But most of the requests I get from couples are seriously off-putting.

I usually get a letter that goes something like “Hi there! I am Girl and I’m with Guy (or vise versa). We are a fun outgoing couple that likes walks on the beach and wine and fun and good sexy times. He is blank years old and I am blank years old, and we’ve been together blank number of years. We are low-drama, drug and disease free and always play safe. We are looking for an attractive, fun, drug and disease-free woman to join us for fun/date us/explore a relationship with us. Guy is amazing in bed and likes this and this and that and he says I’m super great in this way. We want to do x and y and z (or a list of things) in bed. We liked your pictures and want to have fun times with you. Write back!”

There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with this. Yay for them that they are open about what they want. But it doesn’t give me much to respond to and they didn’t ask a damn thing about ME. They often give me a laundry list of all the sex things they want me to do to them or with them or let them do to me without so much as asking my name.  It doesn’t really feel like they are interested in me. It sorta feels like I’m an interchangeable vagina. Worse is when they send me the laundry list of their sexual demands and a disclaimer letting me know all the things that they’ve decided are off limits and warning me against trying to steal anyone away. They just want me to know to keep my bi-sexual meat-hooks to myself.

Insert a grumpy cat face here… in your head… because I don’t have permission to use one.

Okay okay…enough negative.  How do I wish they’d approach me?

I like it when people send a message expressing an interest in something about me. They like roller derby too or also think the phrase douche-canoe is funny. They like my comment or think that I’m foxy. Aww. That’s so sweet! They tell me a little about themselves, and sexy stuff is fine if that’s mostly what they are looking for, but it’s not all about them.  They express an interest in me too, even if it’s mostly related to hooking up, if that’s the menu.  Maybe they ask what kinds of things I’m into or what interests me or if I’d consider a couple. Maybe they ask if I have any free time coming up to chat or meet. Maybe they ask my name. It’s flattering to have people like something about you or think you’re foxy, right? It’s flattering too to have a message from a sweet sexy couple that is interested in me. Now that I find HOT.

Hmm.  I think I just figured out how to do this maybe and feel a little less creepy. I’ll do it like approaching any human for any interaction. You express an interest and ask about them about them too. I’ll be honest about what I would like and I’ll be respectful.

Okay. I just sent a message to this girl I’ve had my eye on and I asked her to have a coffee or a drink with me.  Fingers crossed. Squee! If she says yes I’m gonna practice my very clumsy flirting. When I’m lucky people find that charming. Here’s hoping she has a soft spot for sweet and earnest and semi-awkward. God she’s sexy. I think she might be really cool too. I liked talking to her the other night at my friend’s party. I said:

​ “Hello. Thanks for adding me back on Facebook. I had fun meeting you the other night at Jonah’s house and I thought it'd be fun to chat with you again, and wondered if you'd be interested in a cup of coffee or a drink some time?”

Oh God. That’s not too awkward, is it?