Settling – Striving For Connections in Non-Monogamy

There are times in the Lifestyle when we are certain of things. Our choices and decisions are solid and we know what we need and want in any given moment. But, we also run into moments where we are uncertain. Times when we don’t know what to do and we depend on our partners to help us figure things out. But there are some things we can only count on ourselves for. One of them is knowing what we want and need in our relationships and if we are settling in the process.

Settling is something that is easy to fall into, but I find that a lot more people tend to settle outside of their main relationship because they haven’t found what they are looking for in another partner. People don’t want to be left in the cold with no one else, so they unknowingly settle for something that isn’t what they truly want or need in their life. It’s very easy to do and something we have all done at least once in our lives. Hell, we’ve even done it with our primary partners, monogamous or not.

It’s easy to let go of what is right for ourselves just so we are not alone. For me, being poly isn’t about having to have more than one partner at a time. It’s about the freedom and peace of knowing that if I found someone or if someone found me and we connected, we’d feel safe enough to let whatever is between us build without it being a detriment to my existing relationship(s). And sometimes, I have to remind myself that everything in this lifestyle should be a whatever will be, will be situation. I don’t outwardly look for anyone, but I’ve had so many failed relationships that I get bummed out or want to give up when things aren’t working. So many times I have walked in thinking everything was going to be perfect. I wanted it so badly that I was hurt in the end because I settled with things I shouldn’t have. And I was reminded of that this past week.

I started talking to a guy who seemed so great in so many ways. He was everything I seemed to want and even my partner was impressed with him; seeing him as good people. But something inside me felt off. Something made me not comfortable with going beyond a friendship. I just couldn’t get myself to move forward with this person. I wanted to get to know him and let it be what it was going to be. But I felt pressure from him. And when I told him I just couldn’t get past the hesitation for a few different reasons, I saw what it was that I couldn’t connect with. It was like a brick wall hit me in the face and I knew then that being truthful with him and not letting myself be pressured was the smartest move I made. He had said from the very beginning that he wanted to be friends, at the very least; that he would expect only that. I said the same. But, in the end, when he didn’t get to sleep with me and I said nothing but friends felt right, he made the decision to walk away. He didn’t even want to be friends with me. He didn’t get his way and even tried guilting me about it.

Where has building a friendship with someone you’re in a relationship with gone? I’m not adverse to a sexual relationship, but I want some sort of connection. I prefer it. And a friendship is your most basic relationship. What is so hard about that? I’m blown away by that.

I do ride the line between swinger and poly, but when I have sex with someone, it’s because I have connected with them in some way. In the times that I have had sex with someone without connection, it felt uncomfortable and forced. I was left feeling unsatisfied and off. I don’t expect some windfall romance from every person I meet or have sex with, but I prefer a steady partner at the very least and someone I feel connected to, as a friend; someone I feel I can trust. And with the words that come from most of the people I talk to, where are the actions to follow it? If you say the same, why not build that friendship and see if it goes beyond that? Why is it always, “Nice shoes, want to fuck?”

This lifestyle isn’t about me getting my rocks off and settling for the guy or girl in front of me at any given moment. It’s about connection, friendship, love and the beauty of sharing who and what I am with people I care about. My life is about acceptance of who you are and what you can bring to the table. Why shouldn’t I be able to expect the same from you?

So instead of settling on who walks in your path, why not look deep inside yourself and know exactly what this life means to you? What does being poly or swinger or any relationship mean to you? What do you need and want? What’s important to you in your love life and sex life? What does your sexuality mean to you? Find the answers to these questions and never settle for anything less. You deserve it.