Every Moment Matters – Polyamorous Down Time


Every Moment Matters - Polyamorous Down TimeHey!  How the hell is everyone?  Great!

How are we?  We're great too.

That is all.  Really.  Not much is going on here, I'm happy to say.  Yep.  Happy.

Joe and I went camping last weekend and it was a “Family Fun Fest with the in-laws, chilling at the beach by the lake, camping in the woods” kinda weekend.  He kept in touch via text with his girlfriend L.  I kept in touch with boyfriend A via same.  We got sunburns, ate junk food, took turns scaring raccoons away from the garbage whenever evening fell, drank a bit and snickered to each other during those odd poly moments only he and I recognize.

A discussion of the new Spiderman movie, for example (I saw it with A) prompted a comment from Joe, when I couldn't remember who the bad guy was, that “you shouldn't have spent the whole movie making out with your boyfriend.”  Fun for a private giggle between Joe and I, but flew pretty well under everyone else's radar.  Which is cool too, because private jokes with one's love:  fun!

The last week or so, we've each been out here and there with A and L, then the work week got busy.  I got sick, now I'm getting better and will probably get together with A tonight or tomorrow night for drinks or a walk or something.  Beast (the LDR) and I have kept in touch, of course, and our conversations can run sporadically throughout the day and into late at night, depending on our schedules.  Joe and I were in bed last night by 9:30 to catch up on a few episodes of Weeds.  We've all — Joe and I and L and A and Beast — had a busy week.  Life happened.

Which is normal and good.  Aside from the homelife Joe and I share, we also work, have friends and family, get tired, get sick and have other things come up — as do our lovers. For every instance of “drama” or emotional upheaval you may hear of, there are five other moments happening which are pretty good, fucking great, or just kind of “life.”  This is as it should be — when emotional upheaval or turmoil outnumbers the good things in your life, it's probably time to take a look at why and make some fucking changes.

Things are quiet here.  Work, eat, sleep, text, chat, hug, kiss, repeat.  With each other, on our own, with our outside relationships.  Quiet is good.  Sometimes no news is good news.

So often we'll hear from those unfamiliar with this sort of thing about how much sheer drama open relationships, swinging and polyamory seem to entail.  Well, yes alternative lifestyle choices often require a lot of introspection, discussion, compromise and adjustment.  And because of how time-consuming and absorbing that can be, requiring so much attention and articulation, this can end up being all anyone hears about.

What the world doesn't always hear about is the good.  The peace.  The calm.  When there's nothing to report.  Nothing much is happening, except a few hugs and kisses, snuggling in bed together, a conversation that made you smile, or steamy imaginings of the next evening together.  These are the moments that hold everything else together.  They don't need more said about them beyond “things are great, how are you?” Happiness is a warm lap and when both of you can just shut…the fuck….up.

Yesterday was kind of crap. Not like how fighting our way through Joe's cancer was crap, but you know, a bleh kind of day.  I was sick, Joe was stressed, I got whiny, he was tired.  Finally, we said fuck it all, and zoned out in bed with Weeds.  He threw out the odd text to L.  I threw out the odd one to A.  Beast checked in a bit later (being 3 hrs behind me), so that was cool.  Conversations of comfort and miss-yous were had, goodnights exchanged, while Joe rested an absent hand on my leg, having his own conversation with L and between all of that going on, we laughed together at the show.  After watching two episodes, I read a bit, and then we all slept in our respective locations.   We had our moments together and with our others, then crashed.  Nothing to report.  This is all good stuff.

When there's nothing really going on except “hey, how's it going, how was your day? Probably going out later with so-and-so, you too?  Have a great time!” punctuated with hugs, kisses and talk of who should make supper — when this is the highlight of your day….well, as highlights go, it's pretty good.  The small mundane moments we share are just as important as the gloriously intense passions this level of emotional expansion can bring to one's life.  Making dinner and sharing it with Joe matters just as much to me as an evening out with A or that long-awaited call from Beast.

These are the moments that make up my life.  I need them all.  My men are a part of my life; they matter.  Every moment with each of them, no matter how intense, easy-going, mundane or exciting — every single moment matters.  I want, desire, require and will cherish every single one.

Drama. turmoil, emotional upheaval — these are stimulants, and can be as addictive as any other stimulant, if allowed to be.  Not every random thought needs to be jumped on RIGHT then and there.  Not every single moment of every single day needs to be spent in deep discussion.  And if it's been kind of a shit day for you both (like yesterday was for us), right then and there is probably NOT the best time to bring up that nagging little thing (whatever it may be) that's on the tip of your tongue.  Because there is a chance that whatever bee stuck in your bonnet can be partly attributed to the simple fact that you had a bad fucking day.  Throw in the fact that your partner (or lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever) might have had a bad day too, and holy shitballs — you've just made good and goddamn sure of some polyamorous drama.  And did it need to happen RIGHT then and there?

If something remains an issue, a discussion is warranted.  Get it on the table and deal with it.  But take the time to appreciate and value moments of calm and quiet that perhaps do not make for an exciting blog post, but which matter nonetheless.  Small things.  Personal things.  The fact that no one else would give a rat's ass about these small moments are what make them YOURS.  This is what will hold you together through the rough times.


Mina Gorey is a polyamorus pornographer who shares her sex life with fiancé Joe via her websites, and their personal life via spycams. That was all cool and boundary-broadening, so then she went polyamorus, and now she and Joe share other stuff, with other people. She shares a lot of that with the web, via a blog.

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