We recently met a new swinger couple named Katie and Kevin (not their real names) who are relatively new to the swinger lifestyle. We haven’t gotten to have sex with them yet, but we’re making plans for our next meeting. I was talking with Katie, and she mentioned that she and her husband feel rather nervous since they don’t have as much experience as we do. They both tend to be rather shy.
Katie said, “It’s really different being monogamous for over four years and being comfortable with your partner, and then all of a sudden the expectations are increased! I’ve had more partners than Kevin, and I’m the commodity (according to Kevin, and I guess it’s true) so there’s even more pressure on him… and probably more pressure on the men in general. Everyone’s happy if us girls just get naked and spread our legs. Do you find yourself stressed about such things?”
I was thinking about Katie’s question, and here’s what I think.
1. As first time swingers, it’s totally natural to feel nervous. After all, you’re doing something new and different and a little bit “dangerous.” Some people might feel like they’re violating a taboo and doing something “naughty.” Other first time swingers might feel shy or nervous to actually go through with acting out the fantasy of group sex. There are also some very familiar feelings that you probably haven’t experienced since you were single and dating – that “first date” energy, wondering if you’re going to hit it off with the other person(s) in the room, wondering how you can present yourself to them to make yourself seem more attractive and desirable…swinger dating is interesting because it’s just like being single again, only you have to make twice as people happy. (No pressure!) And speaking of “no pressure…”
2. First time swingers should try not to put too much pressure on themselves. Go into the encounter with minimal expectations and an open mind. Don’t worry about whether or not you’re going to do a “full swap” or try a bunch of acrobatic group sex positions; just tell yourselves, “We’re going to experience a fun evening with sexy friends, and we’ll see where it leads.” Maybe your first time swinging experience will just be kissing and cuddling with another person’s spouse while your spouse watches; maybe you can do a “soft swap” where your wife gives a blow job to the other man (while you get a blow job from another woman) – and if so, make sure to leave plenty of time for cunnilingus, fellas. There are plenty of wonderful, pleasurable things you can do as first-time swingers that stop short of full-on couple-swapping sexual intercourse. Don’t be afraid to take it slow.
3. Remember that you might not know how you feel about group sex…until it happens. No matter how much research about swinging you do, and no matter how many swinger blogs you read, nothing can fully prepare you for the reality of your experience as first time swingers. Becoming swingers is a leap of faith for your relationship. Hopefully, before you experiment with group sex, you and your partner have a strong foundation for your relationship – you trust each other, you talk with each other, and you honor each other’s feelings. Be prepared for the possibility that one of you (or both of you) might not feel 100% happy with how everything goes at your first group sex experience. Sometimes people feel left out (if one spouse hits it off better with the other couple), sometimes people get jealous (even slightly), sometimes the experience of group sex brings up negative emotions like fear, or insecurity, or body image issues, or sadness. Fortunately, none of these negative emotions happened for us. Our first time swinger experience was FANTASTIC, and I even wrote a real swinger sex story about it for Literotica – you can read it here: “First Time Swingers.”
For the most part, almost everyone we’ve met in the swinger lifestyle have been wonderful, laid-back and emotionally generous people, with no pressure, no judgment and lots of sexy energy. I wish every first time swinger couple could have a relaxed, welcoming “initiation” to the swinger lifestyle. Try not to let your “first time” nerves hold you back from having a good time – and don’t get too drunk. You want to be clear-headed and at your best so you can fully enjoy the experience. Once the sex starts and the endorphins kick in, you’ll find that group sex can be a “natural high” all its own.
Originally posted on Swing Lifestyle Blog