3 Things To Remember When First Time Swingers Feel Nervous


3 Things To Remember When First Time Swingers Feel NervousWhen you're first time swingers, you are going to experience a lot of emotions, running the gamut from excited to scared to anxious.

We recently met a new swinger couple named Katie and Kevin (not their real names) who are relatively new to the swinger lifestyle. We haven’t gotten to have sex with them yet, but we’re making plans for our next meeting. I was talking with Katie, and she mentioned that she and her husband feel rather nervous since they don’t have as much experience as we do. They both tend to be rather shy.

Katie said, “It’s really different being monogamous for over four years and being comfortable with your partner, and then all of a sudden the expectations are increased! I’ve had more partners than Kevin, and I’m the commodity (according to Kevin, and I guess it’s true) so there’s even more pressure on him… and probably more pressure on the men in general. Everyone’s happy if us girls just get naked and spread our legs. Do you find yourself stressed about such things?”

I was thinking about Katie’s question, and here’s what I think.

1. As first time swingers, it’s totally natural to feel nervous. After all, you’re doing something new and different and a little bit “dangerous.” Some people might feel like they’re violating a taboo and doing something “naughty.” Other first time swingers might feel shy or nervous to actually go through with acting out the fantasy of group sex. There are also some very familiar feelings that you probably haven’t experienced since you were single and dating – that “first date” energy, wondering if you’re going to hit it off with the other person(s) in the room, wondering how you can present yourself to them to make yourself seem more attractive and desirable…swinger dating is interesting because it’s just like being single again, only you have to make twice as people happy. (No pressure!) And speaking of “no pressure…”

2. First time swingers should try not to put too much pressure on themselves. Go into the encounter with minimal expectations and an open mind. Don’t worry about whether or not you’re going to do a “full swap” or try a bunch of acrobatic group sex positions; just tell yourselves, “We’re going to experience a fun evening with sexy friends, and we’ll see where it leads.” Maybe your first time swinging experience will just be kissing and cuddling with another person’s spouse while your spouse watches; maybe you can do a “soft swap” where your wife gives a blow job to the other man (while you get a blow job from another woman) – and if so, make sure to leave plenty of time for cunnilingus, fellas. There are plenty of wonderful, pleasurable things you can do as first-time swingers that stop short of full-on couple-swapping sexual intercourse. Don’t be afraid to take it slow.

3. Remember that you might not know how you feel about group sex…until it happens. No matter how much research about swinging you do, and no matter how many swinger blogs you read, nothing can fully prepare you for the reality of your experience as first time swingers. Becoming swingers is a leap of faith for your relationship. Hopefully, before you experiment with group sex, you and your partner have a strong foundation for your relationship – you trust each other, you talk with each other, and you honor each other’s feelings. Be prepared for the possibility that one of you (or both of you) might not feel 100% happy with how everything goes at your first group sex experience. Sometimes people feel left out (if one spouse hits it off better with the other couple), sometimes people get jealous (even slightly), sometimes the experience of group sex brings up negative emotions like fear, or insecurity, or body image issues, or sadness. Fortunately, none of these negative emotions happened for us. Our first time swinger experience was FANTASTIC, and I even wrote a real swinger sex story about it for Literotica – you can read it here: “First Time Swingers.”

For the most part, almost everyone we’ve met in the swinger lifestyle have been wonderful, laid-back and emotionally generous people, with no pressure, no judgment and lots of sexy energy. I wish every first time swinger couple could have a relaxed, welcoming “initiation” to the swinger lifestyle. Try not to let your “first time” nerves hold you back from having a good time – and don’t get too drunk. You want to be clear-headed and at your best so you can fully enjoy the experience. Once the sex starts and the endorphins kick in, you’ll find that group sex can be a “natural high” all its own.

Originally posted on Swing Lifestyle Blog


Harukifan is the pen name of a happily married, ethically non-monogamous man. He writes about sex, relationships, swinging and polyamory at http://swinglifestyleblog.wordpress.com/


  1. How do you propose that first time swingers or couples that go to local meet and greet events at public places break the ice? Do you meet other experienced swingers and go together so you don’t feel ‘awkward’ or ‘weird’? I ask because as a couple, one of us is more outgoing and social and the other is, as you mention in this article, nervous/anxious in such settings. While both of us have a strong relationship and have talked about taking the first step in this direction – it seems that whenever we go out to meet and greet events, we are unable to break the ice.

  2. Thanks for reading, Kinky Kupid. My wife and I have a similar dynamic – she’s more shy, and I’m more of a party starter/”move maker.” I would say, don’t be afraid to let the more outgoing spouse lead the icebreaking. Do whatever it takes to get out of your shell, even if you have to let your spouse do most of the talking.

    Another idea: the first time we went to a swingers club, we went on a “couples date” of sorts with another couple. So we got to experience the club while having the reassurance that we were already there with another couple – we usually meet other couples one-couple-at-a-time first, rather than going to meet and greets.

    So it might be helpful for you to make some “lifestyle friends” who you aren’t necessarily sexually involved with, but who you feel comfortable enough with to go to meet and greets together and act as each others’ “wingmen.” (“Wing-couples?”)

    Good luck!

  3. Great article you all! We’ve been swinging for about eight years now and we do enjoy meeting newbies. These are great reminders for all of us.

    Our Best – R&S

  4. thank you for the help we enjoy your steps about being new at it we been trying for a few years
    this is what keep happen to us I am a lot better looking then my husband everyone want to go with me not so much him how do we find people that want both of us?????twice the wives and I got it start then there husband jump in then the wife says she only soft swap how do you stop this form happen thank you for any and all help

  5. As a newbie swinger/wife I haven’t been able to find many articles regarding women’s performance anxiety. A couple of times we meet this gorgeous couple, go to soft swap, and nothing. I kiss him and it’s like kissing my grandmother. In fact this has been true with every guy I kissed so far! What is wrong with me?? I am maybe to excited?

  6. Things work out if you have talked about it! We found out it was much better, if we emailed, and sent pictures and talked on the phone before we met and had similar likes, dislikes, and it was much better if we met at their or our home, planned a relaxed dinner, drinks, hottubing and movies. By the time you have shared some drinks, conversation, stories, and experiences you have kinda decided to proceed on or not, then or later. If your about the same level and everyone is at least kinda interested, with each other. Then its to get somewhat intimate, playing toesies, kissing, sexy movie or pictures or more drinks or hot tubbing under the stars and watching an R rated movie with a few sexy scenes to get things going, and some cuddling, playing, oogoling, then on to more serious kissing, nudity, and a more serious X rated movie or massage.

    By then some more intamancies, and a few more drinks and watching to see what is the signals going on. By then someones made up their mind, to go for it or play more seriously, once you see one couple playing more seriously and follow them, it shouldn’t be too hard. One you start seeing more seriousness and engorged breasts and hard nipples and people playing more seriously and stroking each other, game on! Once you see the guys poking more at womens pussies, and the women pulling the guys pensises at their pussies and kissing their boobs more and women giving oral sex, and the men fingering the womens pussies, its like past no return and real penetrative sex and time for moaning and groaning and the real thing to commence, all the clothes coming off and bewitching time, penises meet pussies and full penetrations! No stopping, just real sex and watching your mate receive and being a voyeur and pleaseing her new partner, once you start you can’t stop, your so excited, you know what you came for, and they did too! Then when its all over to see the creme pies, and enjoy the ecstasy and being one and cleaning up. Its not that hard even with fairly new couples if they have fairly like minds and see their partners involved too!

  7. My wife and me have a big wish for a long time now. We want to visit a sex club, but somehow we didnt go yet. I guess we are still a bit ‘afraid’ how will that go.

    Thanks for this article.

  8. We found the letters very helpful in getting into the thrill of our first meeting with another couple at the m&g. It was exciting to watch my wife slowly rub another mans cock until it was hard and leaking pre-cum onto her fingers. It was even hotter to watch a stranger slide his hand up her skirt and pull her panties down and off. I had an instant hard on and craved to get involved with her and the new male friend. I has my first time desire to shared his cock with my wife . We are planning to go to another m&g soon and explore our bi-curiously
    We are glad we went to the meeting & looks forward to the next, and have made a new couple our friends.
    Marty & Kathy

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