Swinger Beginnings: Learning with Ropes

“Ropes” (a good friend and professional dom) and I started attending the club together as a sort of compromise, she wanted to see what it was all about; while I saw a possibility she might want to play with another couple if the atmosphere was right. My love consented to her attending as friend, and if it worked out, as a play partner. After the events in Going Solo, Ropes and I attended a swinger night as friends with no expectations and no promises. I had still not yet discovered Life on the Swingset, and hadn’t really sorted out what it was I was trying to do. The night at the club was much more lightly attended, with a lot of couples who already seemed to know each other. We didn’t seem to mesh with the couples who were there, and I was still caught up in my own expectations of what the lifestyle is about. Instead of getting to know the other couples, we made friends with one of the staff at the club. I told her I was married but swinging singly and Ropes was my first guest at the club. She was really interested in our relationships and our kink experience. While my BDSM was limited to tying up and (rather lightly) domming my love, Ropes is a pro. Our new friend assumed I was Ropes’ sub, not unreasonable as Ropes has a fairly strong personality. The two of them talked shop, using words I never heard before… “Drop” “Subspace” “Aftercare”…and I was once again finding myself in rapidly deepening water. Then our new friend asked me “Do you prefer stingy or thuddy?” I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. “Thuddy” I said, hoping it sounded like I knew what I was talking about and hoping it might hurt a little less than stingy which sounded mildly unpleasant. After all, what the hell do I know? I think Ropes was amused, watching me swim as best I could in the new currents. Our new friend gave us an invite to a private party at the club, BDSM and kink by invitation only. We said we would be there, and I asked myself “What am I getting myself into?” Ropes doesn’t sub, ever, and she asked me what my sub experience was…”Absolutely nothing.” I replied. “Well…” she said, “We will have to remedy that.”

The rest of that night was something of a bust. I still didn’t fully understand all the subtleties involved and probably still don’t. We eventually left the club without playtime, but spent the trip back discussing our next steps. To this day I am still not sure if I was off, or the club was off or both. It really just didn’t work, and it disappointed me, as I had thought having achieved a breakthrough into non-monogamy, further experiences would get easier (ha!) It was clear the swinging part did nothing for Ropes, but she really wanted to see what the BDSM party looked like. I told her I was looking to expand my horizons and would be willing to try subbing, if only to understand what my love experiences when she is with me or her dom. I promised I would let Ropes know when I didn’t like something, but I would try to keep an open mind. Also, Ropes wanted to practice Shibari, Hojōjutsu (I had to copy that from Wikipedia) and suspension. I agreed to be her “Ken Doll” in practice and she agreed to attend the BDSM party with me the following week.

Before attending the party we tried our first practice session. It was a little awkward at first as her husband is one of my best friends. He is cool with all this, but the transition from the normal small talk to bondage and practice was a little strange for me at first. I changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt (very sexy) and headed to their bedroom. (her home dungeon was still incomplete) She showed me the basic knots, the bit and how to work it, how to make rope handcuffs, and a few other things to try out on my love. Now I will admit my domming is rather amateurish. I get off because my love is getting off. It’s not that I don’t like bondage and spanking, but I mostly get horny just from seeing the arousal in her eyes, and the expressions on her face. I just know that she loves it! And I will also admit to not fully understanding what it is I am trying to do. I want her to get off, and I really get off getting her off, so a fully developed technique was never fully explored. Up to this point I preferred old neckties to ropes, and my knot work was less skilled than that of a mediocre Boy Scout. I am still learning, but Shibari has really opened my eyes to the beauty of the art and the skills one can develop.

Our first session a success, and not too uncomfortable, we set the date for the club. The mood was very different. There was much more lighting, suspension rings hanging from strong points and beams in the ceiling, and the dress seemed more relaxed. The music playing was also different. No thumping pop/techno but instead more electronic chill, kind of new age-ish. The whole vibe was less clubby, more friendly, less rigid, more…accepting? less cliquey, and much more comfortable for Ropes. She seemed to be with her people, I just wasn’t sure they were my people. I felt a little too new, a little too close to vanilla, too much like a poser in this world. Ropes hadn’t even laid a hand on me in practice. I think she didn’t want to scare me off. We saw our friend and said hello and talked with her partner. Ropes was totally at home speaking about bondage camps, rope classes, Midori, Topologist and other people I hadn’t heard of yet. I held my own as best as I could, not pretending to know any more than what I did. We chatted and met with other couples, seeming to mesh much better than the week before…we chatted for the first hour or so and then people stated getting to work.

And by work I mean it. A middle-aged brunette stripped and was tied to the St Andrew’s cross, while being paddled and flogged for almost an hour! Her dom must have been expert, as you could hear the leather striking flesh, but did not break the skin or cause anything more than light bruises or welts. I could not understand how human flesh can take repeated impact over that kind of time span without damage. I also could not understand how the dom could maintain the stamina needed to flog her that long. It must have been physically exhausting both for them. This is no light workout. While all this was going on, yet another thing occurred to me. There was no fucking! There was this very strong exhibitionist vibe, more public nudity than I had seen before but it seemed more casual, and almost no penetration anywhere. There was also no swap, as in swinging, which now makes sense due to the trust levels needed for this kind of play. All of this puzzled me for a while. Then watching the sub on the cross it occurred to me, this isn’t really about the sex at all. It’s a brain high! It’s an endorphin trip to outer space.

Our friend was suspended mostly nude from the ceiling and was totally in the moment with her partner. We decided not to intrude and watched another suspension while these lovely women consented to being tied and spanked. I was surprised there was only one male sub, an older couple I hadn’t seen before or really found the chance to speak with. After a while the rest of the night passed in a blur. My own endorphins and arousal had my head spinning, and though I was on a high, Ropes didn’t really want to head to one of the rooms for any playtime. I understood, but was disappointed. We left before closing, but stayed later than the week before.  We agreed we would practice further, experimenting with suspension (once the dungeon was finished) and both stingy and thuddy. I then apologized for changing the rules a little midevening and she apologized about not properly providing aftercare. As that was one of the words I did not understand, I told her it was not a problem. We agreed there would be no play expectations in practice or at the club but we would explore the best methods for aftercare…whatever that was.