The Ethics of Swinging


The Ethics of SwingingMr. D and I had the chance to go to a club in a town a few hours away one weekend. We don’t get out much, and certainly not to the club in this far away city. A rare opportunity for some fun.

We always like to try to set up dinner with a couple before going to a club that we can have a starting base. That way we can start to get to know someone before we come into the club scene.

That night, we had a lovely meal with a local couple. Very flirty conversation. Interest was building across the table. The meal was full of innuendos. We were enjoying laughing and sharing their stories. Playing later was definitely becoming a possible option. If the chemistry continued…

We paid the bill and headed across the street to the lifestyle club. Shortly after we ordered our first round of drinks, the guy pulled me aside to explain that his wife was not able to play at all that night. Her doctor had prohibited her from doing anything sexual due to infertility treatments that they were undergoing. Nothing was allowed to touch her vagina, lick her vagina, penetrate her vagina.

It seems to me that taking a break from the lifestyle would have been a wise choice for this couple. Why show up at a club that night with so much to risk down below?

But the man was quick to add that he was still fully available to play that evening. But of course he was. So basically, he was playing the single guy that night with his wife as cover.

What followed was my first experience of cock blocking. I hope to never have another one again. I was trying to spread our wings and make other connections. Politely. But the guy actively pursued me around the club like a jealous, horny puppy. I finally had to tell him to give me space because it wasn't going to happen that night. And given his unfortunate behavior, not ever.

I’m going to say this and say it loud. When you tell a couple that you are full swap, you need to let them know if your status is different for that evening. Before meeting for dinner. Before meeting in person at all, preferably.

Meeting a couple for dinner before going to a sex club includes an understanding that you are exploring the possibility of having sex that evening, however you define that in your profile. No promises, for God’s sake be honest about if you are unavailable or anything other than what your profile says you are looking for. Save us the time.

We have received messages of “We’d love to have dinner with you. Just to let you know though, we are not playing tonight.” And sometimes we still meet with them and sometimes we don’t, depending on what we are looking for that evening. Sometimes we reply back that perhaps another time would work out better.

Sometimes people use the line that they are not playing that night in person as a polite way to back away from bad chemistry. Understandable perhaps, but realize that you probably have killed your chance with that couple for the future. Maybe that was the intention.

When possible, though, the ethics of the lifestyle should encourage couples to be upfront in terms of their intentions for the evening. If they're looking to play that should be subtly communicated. If they're definitely not going to be able to play that night, there should be an obligation to communicate that much sooner. Because it takes a lot of time and energy to figure out if chemistry's going to be right sometimes and if you're going to allow another couple to invest most of their time in the evening on you, the respectful thing to do is to be clear if you are not available. Can I hear an ‘Amen'?


Mrs. Doubleplay is 40-something mom living in the middle of America with kids, a career, and pretty house in the suburbs. She’s active in her local church, coaches the kids’ soccer games, and happens to have a secret life as a swinger. Married to her high school sweetheart, Mr. Doubleplay, the couple dipped their toes in the lifestyle for a couple of years but then dropped off the radar to have kids. They rejoined the lifestyle in 2005 and haven’t looked back. They have been soft swap from the start but are working their way toward greater forms of adventure as we meet hot couples on lifestyle vacations, swinger clubs, and online websites.

1 Comment

  1. Great post and yet again a good reason why single guys and guys whose wife is sick are viewed with suspicion. Then the single guys start calling the wives for nooners and don’t realize that we all talk and don’t cheat. Within a week or so, they realize no one returns their calls!

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