Swinger Sex Ed

For me, an important part of non-monogamy whether it is swinging or polyamory is the general sex positive attitude of a lot of people. First of all, it is generally refreshing. Second, I think that the typical western Christian view of sex as evil or depraved or just a necessary step for procreation is completely dysfunctional. For those of you not familiar with the sex positive movement, suffice to say that it is a belief that sex is a potentially positive force in one’s life, that celebrates diversity, and that has few limits beyond informed consent. I’m still working on myself to get rid of remnants of years of culture imposed sex negativity.

My belief in sex positivism isn’t just for myself. As a parent, my number one job is to protect my daughter. One of the most insidious and pernicious forces she will encounter, is our society’s fucked up sex negativity. It divides girls (and women) into virgins and whores. Good girls (and women) don’t have sex or don’t have it until marriage and certainly never enjoy it beyond just doing their duty. There is so much wrong with our culture’s view of sex, but I am getting off track because I want to talk about Sex Ed.

Not everyone believes in sex positivism. I read a lot on swinger and poly sites, and I am always surprised by what people have to say about sex and their kids. A lot of them seem to tell their kids nothing. Some of them claim they want to lock their daughters up until they are 30. WTF?!??!!? Sure I don’t go into graphic detail on my sex life with my daughter but I certainly don’t abandon her education to the general society’s unhealthy view. And don’t even get me started on abstinence only and heterosexist school curricula.

It is necessary to actively work against the larger culture to get a healthy view of sex. I was raised Unitarian Universalist with humanist and pagan undertones with an embrace of GBLT issues and the idea that sex is holy. However, the warped overall cultural worldview on sex still seeped in to me as a teen. Sex Ed in 5th grade was to tell girls of ways to protect themselves from anyone knowing they were bleeding because that was something to be ashamed of. Sex Ed in 8thgrade was to scare us away from having sex by showing us diseased penises and vulvas with things like herpes, warts, and who knows what else. So by the time I was a senior and finally having sex it came with a healthy dose of guilt and a complete lack of knowledge on pleasure. It was years and many men later that I finally figured out how to orgasm. That is not what I want for my daughter.

So here is what I have done.

1)     I have always talked about sex though I try to do so in an age appropriate way. See SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States) or OWL (Our Whole Lives) for appropriate curricula if you aren’t comfortable winging it. Sometimes that doesn’t go as well as intended. When my kid was 4 or 5 she told me, “Mom, where is my shell?” I looked at her strangely, “Your shell?” She responded, “Yes, you know, from when I was an egg.”

2)     When she was a tween, I got her some books for her to read on the subject. Then we discussed the items normally covered in school. This was several years beforehand so I could get to her before the abstinence brainwashers.

3)     When she was 14, I got her a vibrator. What followed was a rather awkward conversation for both of us. I told her to wait to have sex until she knew how to make herself cum and not to have sex with any male until he went down on her and made her cum first. She rolled her eyes and told me not to worry because she was about as sexy as a hippopotamus. Apparently I need to work on body image issues with her.

More recently Mr. Scarlet decided it was time to do his fatherly duty and have “the talk” with her. This is approximately what he has told me went on.

Mr. Scarlet: Kiddo, I need to talk to you

Kid: Umm, Ok.

Mr. Scarlet: So as you get older a lot of guys are going to want to get with you.

Kid: Daaaaaad! (rolls eyes)

Mr. Scarlet: A lot of guys are going to want to take advantage of you and just get what they want and not actually give a crap about you. So here is what you need to know. I know your mom bought you a vibrator so make sure you know how to use it.

(Kid turning beet red)

Next don’t sleep with anyone who doesn’t make you cum. The rules are that the guy’s job is to make the woman cum and that the woman’s job is to cum. Don’t worry about the guy. They can get off in the tailpipe of a car.

Kid: (horrified look) Anything else?

Mr. Scarlet: Always use condoms. (Kid hastily sprints to her room to escape).

Our kid may not have wanted to hear that talk, but I’ll bet she remembers it. I’m hoping we’re doing enough to prevent damage from the sex negativists.