The Shock Rocker – A Review of A Sex Machine

Perhaps I'm jaded.

As I do this longer it becomes harder and harder to impress me, sex toy wise. I think that this is why, when our Holiday Toy Special comes around, year after year I throw my number one pick to the nJoy Eleven. It's inevitable, in fact, that when you see a LOT of something, a few items bubble to the surface while most slip down the drain.

The Shock Rocker is the first item we've been sent that has truly IMPRESSED me in a long time.

First, sitting here, writing this review, I'm wondering if it can truly be called a fucking machine. It doesn't have any electronic components. The motion is entirely controlled by the rider. I'm gonna go with it, though.

The Shock Rocker consists of several nicely cut pieces of particle board, some joints, and a panel that moves up and down as the user glides forward and back. I'm sure you're picking up what I'm putting down. I'm sure you're already curious enough to look closer at the very least, or drop your undies and get to the fucking.

Because of the aforementioned difficulty to impress, the surest way to catch my attention is to show me something DIFFERENT. Last time my attention was caught so dramatically was the day a torso arrived in my mailbox. When this massive box arrived, I was intrigued.

Opening it up, I was impressed by the looks of it. Glossy black, with purple leather(ish) seating panels, decals on the side. It at once reminded me of a skateboard or a Pinewood Derby car* that someone produced with The Best Dad Ever®.

So, not that sexy?

Well, without the dildo it looks like a small rocking foot rest. Albeit with this gaping area in the middle. Oddly painted. Did I mention the decals? So what takes us from “Huh…” to INTERESTING? As my review has suggested (and by suggested, I mean stated) this is a fucking machine, so what makes it SO is attaching a dildo to the arm in the middle that moves up and down when you rock back and forth.

And therein lies the problem. This item uses the Doc Johnson Vac-U-Loc dildo line to attach. I'm not going to mince words, Doc Johnson's dildo line is at best mediocre silicone (ie still smells) and at worst the kind of dildos that'll melt together in the back of the drawer in a few weeks because you simply don't want to put them in your body.

(I should note here that I'd be happy to be proven wrong either by a fan of the Doc Johnson product, or by the company themselves, but it's really a case of you get what you pay for.)

The Vac-U-Loc attachment is slid into a very small space on the moving arm, and you attach the dildo to that. It does what it's supposed to do. We attached the dildo. But neither Ophilia or I wanted to put it inside us.

The company was nice enough to send us one of Doc Johnson's Platinum Premium Silicone G dildos and we were more willing to use that one, but the point for me is that anyone willing to spend the couple hundred to purchase this thing are also likely to be people who value a quality dildo. You know, the kind our friends at Tantus, Vixen Creations, Vamp make. That kind.

None of those dildos are compatible with this rocker. Because there's simply no way to attach them. The space between the arm and the metal plate that holds the Vac-U-Loc attachment on is simply too skinny. Because the plate is designed specifically to have this attachment, it's also not friendly to putting a suction cup dildo on top.

If my lovely Ophilia wasn't such a Sexguyver, the Shock Rocker would've been a tale of disappointment. She quickly produced an old and cheap harness set with snaps and straps and a metal ring. After completely disassembling the harness she spent twenty minutes looping straps around the dildo arm, taking them off, putting them back before finally declaring herself done!

Within minutes after the declaration, she was naked from the waist down, sliding herself onto the Tantus Vamp now very well strapped onto the dildo arm. Moments later she was rocking back and forth getting fucked.

Since Ophilia and I are very geeky exploratory with new toys, we troubleshooted a few things, namely the angle and depth of penetration. Both of these concerns were easily adjusted through two knobs to loosen/tighten and adjust the device. Every part of this is adjustable, height, depth, angle, very well thought out. Soon she was rocking her way to orgasm.

I was impressed by how much she was enjoying it, and even more impressed by how silent this collection of joints and metal was. I expected squeeking or sliding sounds, but it was really very quiet.

After a lovely orgasm, she lie down next to me in bliss and nodded emphatically when asked if she liked it.

The next day (one of my working from home days. you know how it is. with the masturbating) I kept glancing over at it. I slipped the Medium Tantus Silk a smaller dildo on the arm, through our makeshift quick-release. I lubed myself up and lowered onto it.

(I should note here that I'd asked the customer service email what the weight rating for it is, and he said up to 400lbs)

I've never been able to control the speed of getting pegged (though is that really even what this is?) and because the angle is awkward, I generally don't include a lot of anal play in my masturbation. So being able to slide back and forth and control the depth and speed was an amazing experience.

And one that left both my hands free.

So I was impressed. Is it perfect? Definitely not. Something must be done about that dildo attachment area. But if that's fixed to become a modular system that'll accommodate any type of cock we want to attach to it? Well then it's still pretty expensive. But it's a great device, and it's an ESPECIALLY great device for non-monogamous folk, who are far more likely to climb up on it and show off.

It was the star attraction at our last party, the one that was like the ringing of the starting bell. People crowded in the room to watch. I'm packing it up to bring to a party this weekend.

If you're in the market for something epic (perhaps because you've grown as jaded and bored as Mr Hedonism here) give The Shock Rocker a look.

*I realize that linking to a Cub Scout thing on here sends up a flare as I'm very anti-scouts at this time, but I need to show you. You need to understand.