Out of the Frying Pansexual


Out of the Frying PansexualLife is an amazing adventure. Since beginning this journey, I have found myself in situations and experiences I have only dreamed of, and even a few I couldn’t conceive of at all. What surprises me most of all, and I don’t know why, is that I find great people regardless of the situation. Yes, I have met a very few jerks, but for the most part, douche-baggery is not encouraged in nonmonogamy lifestyles.

I attended a party some months ago, with a group which has struggled a bit. I could not attend their first party, and the next two parties, to which I dedicated blocks of time including a vacation day, were cancelled due to lack of participation. Finally, a meet and greet was scheduled with play time afterward.

Now, for anyone who does manage these kinds of events, you have my appreciation and my sympathy. I cannot imagine a more thankless task than trying to get a group of strangers together with the intention of fucking. I can’t help but think of a quote from Christopher Hampton in Dangerous Liaisons,” I think there's something degrading about having a husband for a rival. It's humiliating if you fail and commonplace if you succeed.”

Having said that, a miscommunication placed the meet and greet start time when the play party was supposed to begin. By the time I arrived, quite a few of the attendees who had looked the room over and said” Nope… not doing it!” and headed for the door. I had barely enough time to walk in the room when it almost immediately emptied. For a moment, I thought I might have forgotten deodorant (joke). When the smoke and people had cleared, there were three women and about a dozen men left for play. One of the women was a trans person named Alex. Alex was tall, over six feet, and not so much well-built as expertly constructed. She would say she is not pretty, but her personality appeared beautiful to me. I felt she lit up the room with her spirit, and the more we talked the more I liked her.

A small group of people headed into the bedroom and Alex was among them. She was sucking on this other guy’s cock and motioned over to join her. I was a little hesitant at this point, we had not talked consent or safety that much, certainly not the elevator speech. Also male bisexuality in swinger circles is still something I am figuring out. After a bit of looking around, and once again thinking that nothing is going to happen unless I make it happen, I joined the 5 people on the bed, Alex, her male lover receiving and a lovely woman with 2 other guys. I didn’t really know protocol at this point, I was invited and consent was implied if not explicitly given, so I started feeling Alex under her skirt and started rubbing her cock. She nodded, I guess everything is ok after all, and then I began to go down on her. How strange it is, having never strayed from my monogamy for almost a quarter century, and now I am in a hotel room, in group sex with a trans person.

I have changed.

I won’t bore you with all the details (but they were exquisite), but I became friends with three of those participants that night. That event raised my awareness to many of the issues trans people face, as well as some outright prejudice in the swing community. One group that I have enjoyed in the past gave a rude and downright bigoted response when Alex asked to join a party event. It upset me that there could be no room at the inn for trans people when it comes to swing parties. Alex and I have spoken and met up again. I consider her my friend and I hope to see her again in the future. She has opened my eyes to a world previously invisible to me, and for that I thank her.

Some months later I set up a profile on OKCupid. This is something of an experiment for me. I have recently attended a class on Poly, and I am dipping a toe into it. I was recommended a person, 90% plus match, local, and he identified himself as FTM (female to male) trans. We wrote back and forth, and I told him of my limited experience with trans persons, but if he was willing to be patient with me I would like to meet. Let’s call him Ellison.

We met at a local restaurant, still some distance from my home. I decided I would approach this “date” as a bisexual man dating another bisexual man. I know… I know… gender and orientation are two separate things, but please remember I am still new to this, dating as well as trans relationships. I really am making most of this up as I go along.

Ellison and I hit it off quite well, he and I both shared career trajectories, political views, and a few interests. We talked local events, of which he was actively involved, as well as my journey and family. We agreed to go back to his place at closing.

Ellison is very direct, and not at all afraid to tell you what he thinks. He also has closely cropped hair, a hint of a mustache, and in loose fitting cloths you can’t easily detect the curves underneath. We undressed and my own brain kind of short circuited.

I had deliberately tried to place Ellison in the male category in my head. While writing back and forth he had mentioned challenges he faced with people trying to make him “a girl” in their heads. I tried not to do this, but now, lying before me was Ellison (with his male-ish face) and exposed genitals that I would consider to be female. My mind tried to upshift and downshift to fit this experience within a priori reasoning. I find myself floundering in definitions of reality I had assumed to be true my entire life.

I am afraid I stood there for a few seconds too long, and looking back on it now, a complement of some kind would have really been appropriate. I was not repulsed, mostly flummoxed, because I do like him, but a little lost on what to do or say next.

We did play, but I was pretty quiet throughout, though not from shame (I think). At several stages, Ellison asked me if I was ok and I was… I am, but the gender thing became even more confused in my own head. How can I think of Ellison as “him” when I have had been inside his pussy (there a sentence to consider). We talked a bit afterwards and he told me he doesn’t even think of himself as either gender. He also doesn’t think of his parts as lady bits or man bits. “I just think of them as mine.”

He told me that people often shoehorn him into gender roles, using pronouns inappropriately and this can be very uncomfortable. I tried to imagine someone trying to do the same thing to me, unmanning me, so to speak, in the middle of play, and how that would affect the sexy time. It was not a situation I would be at all comfortable in.

I would like to thank both Alex and Ellison, for opening my mind to a different world view.


The Salmon is exploring swinging and poly as a married single. Married for over 20 years, he and his love explore non-monogamy together and in different ways.


  1. i enjoyed the story very much and can see all the problems that can arise but we all have to be bigger
    and not so judgmental. Live and let live.

    • Salmon: You are on an amazing adventure and I am enjoying following along with your exploration . All of us non monogamous wannabes thank you.

      Keep up the good work.

  2. Gnosisseeker on


    That was a very interesting story and I can understand about this community a little. I have read about this community a fair amount, but never had the chance to experience first hand. Not sure because of where I live or just have not been lucky in meeting and talking.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences and please keep those coming.

  3. CompersionJunkie on

    Hi Sal,

    Can I call you Sal since I’ve posted on your blog more than once?

    A year ago I attended a ‘greedy girl’ party, where the intent was to provide those insatiable ladies in attendance with all of the male goodies they desire in whatever manner they desire. Ladies were in control of the event – even more than your typical swing soirée. Being my first time at such a party, sans my sweetie as well, I felt a bit like a fish out of water (nothing personal, mind you). I’ll dispense with the generalities and other experiences that night, which did not include any playing with the ladies, and mention my encounter with Marcia.

    She was a petite Latino in a sexy outfit with a gorgeous olive complexion and a demure manner. She spent the entire evening in a chair by the bed in one of the rooms watching the performances before her. We chatted for a while several times throughout the night as I occasionally revisited and checked in with her. Eventually she consented to some light massage of her legs, arms, and back. As the evening waned, she offered up a play invitation. She insisted on the dark and in the adjacent powder room. Having nothing against that I agreed and off we went. On the way, Marcia disclosed that I would soon discover that under the hood she was actually more of a Marc. I was fine with that, having realized some months prior that I was definitely bi-curious.

    It was a clumsy try for us that failed sexually. Marcia desired penetration and I was experiencing one of those blasted moments of performance anxiety due likely to a bit too much drink plus the newness of the behavior. I felt like a real jerk but Marcia was ever so kind and understanding about it. After composing ourselves, she was concerned that we should not leave the room together. It seems that a number of people there knew she was a trans woman and was concerned about what the male-bi-phobic swingers in the rest of the party suite would think of me (I’ll avoid voicing my tirade on that subject, for now). I assured her that it was not a concern of mine. I enjoyed our time together chatting and relaxing. She was very interesting and /explan-o-brag at least 20 years my junior /explan-o-brag off.

    While initially a bit anxious, I later shared the stories of the entire evening with my sweetie. She enjoyed it and encouraged me to explore my bi side as I wished. I’ve not since had a chance to do so, but have done a lot of thinking about it. That was the first time I’d spent at all with a trans woman. I realize that it took a lot of guts for a trans woman to attend a ‘pure swinger’ party. I’m very sex-positive, but now even more so. This experience has freed me from any lingering bias regarding transsexuals and I look forward to sharing a better experience in the future.


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