What comes first, the f*ck or the fun?


What comes first, the f*ck or the fun?It's been a few weeks since I stopped seeing the Potential Stallion (PS) and I'm in a very good place. He and I have settled into being vague text buddies, with no real hard feelings or awkwardness between us. After the first few days apart, I didn't even miss him much, and although I still occasionally felt twinges of disappointment that things didn't work out, I know that ending things was the right choice to protect my heart and my sanity.

It wasn't as if I'd been living a life of celibacy and solitude since then, either. I'd gone on a couple of trips, one for business, one for pleasure, and those experiences definitely distracted me from any unpleasant thoughts or reminiscences of PS.

The pleasure trip was, of course, the more interesting one. I'd decided at the last minute to accompany a friend to a LS takeover in another city. While I had attended several takeovers in my city in the past, and even vacationed at adult resorts, this would be the first time I'd gone to an out of town “takeover” for an entire weekend, Thursday through Sunday. Now that I was back to unicorn status, I wasn't sure how things would fare for me.

Overall, I had no need to worry. I had a really good time. I saw couples from past events, everyone was very nice to me, and I even had soft-swap sexy fun with a couple I met with PS previously (do you remember the couple that seemed tied to another in “Party Time, Excellent?“). It was such a great surprise and treat to have seen them, and they were wonderful in every way. I have to admit, I did feel vindicated and had a moment where I thought “Ha, so there!” regarding PS after I finished my fun and frolic with them. If he'd played his cards right, we might have shared in that experience together. Yes, I know… somewhat juvenile, but still.

Probably the highlight of the weekend, though, was that I met a fantastic guy, one of the rare exceptions to the “no single guys” rule, who was the perfect “weekend boyfriend.” We'd begun chatting the week prior, having met through one of those “private” Facebook groups, and we seemed to hit it off. In person, he was just as great as his online persona- cute, attentive, sweet, gentlemanly, and awesome in bed. Uh… Did I say awesome in bed? Cause… Yeah. Even though it could have been an act, he seemed totally into me. It was perfect.

One of the best, and most remarkable things about him and our weekend experience was that he didn't pressure me/us to have experiences with other couples or women. There really didn't seem to be any expectation for that, at least not then. From what he told me, he was pretty selective when it came to picking partners for play situations, and said he was more about having fun, meeting great people, building friendships, and if anything happened, then it was just a bonus- icing on the cake. Exactly like me. In ways, it was a little bittersweet, because I remember thinking, “wow, this guy has almost the same attitude about the LS as I do! This is what I wanted to find in a “stallion.” But of course, as fate would have it, he lives in another state. I tried to enjoy the moment without overthinking what would happen next with us, if anything. Difficult for me, but I didn't let it put a damper on our fun.

However, not everyone has the same attitude when it comes to the LS, and especially to takeovers, which brings me to the title of this piece- which comes first, the fuck or the fun? Which is the priority? This event in particular seemed like many (most?) people set out and attended with the express intention of having sex and hooking up as much as possible, and if there was fun to be had as well, that would be a bonus. Overall, people seemed much more overt and “in your face” with their advances, and there was much more public sex than I was accustomed to.

I am the opposite in my attitude, with my intentions in attending these things being to have lots of fun, and if sex happened, then that would be the bonus. Especially now as a unicorn, I tend to be a bit more cautious and tentative when I meet people. I generally didn't want to play with someone I just met for the first time, or at least hadn't had a conversation with before. The idea of random sex, unless it was just utterly amazing and unbelievable chemistry, was unappealing to me. I was now one of those girls who didn't f*ck on the first date, I guess. At least not at the first conversation.

However, I don't think that I was always that way. I remember when I was married, going to LS parties with the express desire and intention of playing with women, (or on rare occasions, if the stars aligned, a couple) and coming home disappointed if that didn't occur. I don't remember exactly when my shift in thinking happened, but I do remember having much more fun and being much less disappointed when I adopted the “just have fun, and whatever else happens is just icing” attitude.

In defense of the “fuck over fun” perspective, I guess at its core, the LS is about sex, right? This attitude says that fun can be found mostly anywhere, but the LS is a sexual outlet, one where we know that at events (most) people are there for the same thing. And why would people spend that kind of money on party tickets, hotel rooms, costumes, and alcohol, if “getting some” wasn't at least in the back of their minds, if not the forefront? For them, these events may be about meeting (and having sex with) new people, not the same people they could engage with in their hometowns every weekend. Some people go to only one or two “events” per year, and see them as their only opportunity to engage in LS fun (sex), and if it doesn't happen, it's a disappointing loss, almost a waste of time for them.

I don't think that there is any “right” answer, simply a difference in perspective and intention. Luckily, most people are respectful enough to accept “no thank you” or intuitive enough to realize when attitudes and desires don't align and move along with no hard feelings. Thankfully, no one came out and said to me “So why are you here, if you're not gonna have sex with other people??” I expressly remember hearing that at another party and being pretty annoyed by it. Am I not allowed to just enjoy the sexy atmosphere and vibe of a party without being “required” to play?

So… I leave you with two important questions:

1) Which one is more important to you in the LS? Fun or sex?

2) What acronym or nickname should I give to this new potential contender?? We've been talking daily since the event and have a trip to see each other planned.

-PLD (potential long distance)?

-PS2 (that sounds like the gaming system, and I think he should have his own acronym anyway)?

OSI (out of state interest)?

Help me think of one!

….till our next installment



Devin has navigated her way through the lifestyle as both a married and single woman. She seeks to quiet the slut-shaming voices in her head, be present in the moment, and push her boundaries, all in the throes of friendship, community, relationships, and love... With a little submission for good measure.


  1. I vote for fun but I agree that my intentions have changed over time. I think at the beginning you are like a starving person set loose on a buffet of sex. Even crappy sex is better than nothing. Later you realize you’re no longer starving for variety so you can be more particular and just enjoy the most appealing things. Also you realize there is no end in the adventures and you have many more instances of play to come.

    If you are thinking continued horse theme: Potential Mustang. Or Mr. Pegasus.

  2. I come down on the side of fun. My husband and I usually play together at lifestyle events, rarely with others. We like to absorb the sexy atmosphere but haven’t ever clicked with another single or couple enough to jump right to it then and there. Not saying we wouldn’t but we haven’t yet.

    You’re never required to play. Watching is participating, being in a sexy space enjoying it is participating, and anyone gives you a hard time about not playing can fuck off.

    I vote for Scarlet’s Mr. Pegasus. 😀

  3. Good read, and after an experience I had at one of my last parties I agree with your fun outlook. But then it’s all about expectations, and setting them appropriately is the key to any situation really.

    Here’s how it happened for me: my wife and I had been poly for a year and had started attending a few parties as well. But this party, I had a bit of a convergence – not only was my wife coming with me as usual, but a woman I’d been seeing (but not yet done anything but make out with) was also coming. I was excited to say the least, not only by getting to go to a great party but also getting to potentially have sex with my wife, finally with my girlfriend (just to make it easier to tell who’s who), and maybe with both! Exciting to say the least.

    But – and there’s always a but – I was so set on my fun being predicated on the ‘fuck’ aspect of the night that when it didn’t happen with either (let alone both) my whole night was ruined. It shouldn’t have mattered that when we got there I saw my girlfriend and her friend in line with two black men as their ‘dates’ or that once we got in my wife suddenly started her period, but suddenly I felt like the desperate single guy running around the bar trying to find a hook up before last call.

    I spent plenty of time dancing with my wife and enjoying that, and that should have been enough. I guess it got pushed over the top when my girlfriend kept blowing me off whenever I tried to talk to her (and not in a good way, suffice it to say we aren’t seeing each other any more) but I had to look back to see that my expectation of sex for the night was the only thing driving my measure of success for that night.

    So, while I definitely want to build more relationships within the community and regular crowd that I see at these parties, I’ll have a different perspective for future parties that the fun comes first and the fuck will just be the cherry (or two, or three) on that spectacular sundae.

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