Confessions of a Wannabe Anal Queen


I want it in the butt. Or, more accurately, I want to want it in the butt.

Anal has always been a huge obsession of mine; my porn of choice has almost always been anal, I've written a ton of gay male slash fic centred on anal sex, and I'm a huge fan of pegging. Anal is something that has fascinated and excited me ever since I knew it was a thing. Problem is, I don't enjoy receiving it.

Like most people, my introduction to anal wasn't ideal. When my first boyfriend suggested it, I didn't know of any reason to say no. It seemed like an odd request, but since he was way older, my 15-yr old self figured he knew what he was doing (I was going to say not to panic, we were in Canada and the age of consent at time was 14, but turns out that age of consent (AOC) for anal is STILL 18–Unmarried persons under the age of 18 cannot consent to anal sex–clearly homophobic remnants of old laws when vaginal AOC is 16). He didn't know what he was doing and a bit of vegetable oil did not prevent the searing pain that ended that first attempt as quickly as it started.

I tried again many years later with Flick and we knew about using proper amounts of lube, but still knew almost nothing about warming up thoroughly and taking it incredibly slow. Although I would occasionally consent to it, even suggest it, when its deviant allure was calling to me, I didn't ever actually enjoy the physical sensations involved, and would pretty much just endure it. The memory of drunken, cruise ship balcony anal in the Caribbean is still a good one, despite the remembered ass pain the next day.

I love tongues and fingers in and around my ass. Such a huge fan of both of those things and I can firmly add them to the Hell Yes column. Where I run into trouble is when I try to go beyond those, and I always want to go beyond those. It's sexy! It's hot! It's what the cool chicks do!

We're going to return to that last thought in a bit, since it is pretty much the crux of my problem.

Now that I'm a sensible woman in my 40s and not a clueless teen or twentysomething, I've read the books on anal, listened to the podcasts, attended the seminars, and know that the key to pleasure is going slow. With those tips in mind, I have enjoyed reasonably sized plugs in my ass on a somewhat regular basis. I've had a lot of solo fun with decently large dildos, DP'd myself, and with enough preparation, I've even had really pleasurable anal sex with Flick. My first anal creampie (a huge porn turn-on for me) felt like an incredible victory.  And when Iris and Flick DPd me, I had a geyser of a squirting crygasm that felt like it would never end.

Trouble is, it takes so damn long to get there. I'm talking two hours to get me there. And the necessary preparation isn't decreasing through repetition.

That connected time felt really awesome and hot the first few times Flick and I made a point of having an anal night. It was really intimate and I loved being at the centre of his attention as he warmed me up and we progressed from tongue to finger to fingers to small dildos to cock. As long as we waited at each step for my body to get over the nerves freaking out, sending really strong, panic-inducing sensations of numbness down my leg, I could progress to the next and eventually get a lot of pleasure from him fucking my ass.

I was doing it! In the butt!

Unfortunately, every time we revisit, we have to start over from scratch. I would expect the freaking-out nerves to desensitize to stimulation with repetition but each experience they react like they've never been touched before, my leg goes numb, I panic and can't imagine how it could ever feel good, unless I wait and breathe through a two-hour process and we eventually get to it feeling great.

I want to jump to great, or at least feel like great is achievable in noticeably decreasing increments. I simply do not have time in my week, or my regular sex life, to include this kind of preparation when there are so many things that feel great immediately. I get burned out on repeatedly answering that yes I want to keep going despite the scrunchy look on my face because I know it will subside with time. With a LOT of time. But unless I do it regularly, there's never going to be any chance for it to improve. I seem to be fucked. But not in the ass.

I eventually get impatient and start rushing it and then it doesn't feel good and the experience doesn't work for anyone and I'm back to the feeling like a failure.

If I'd never experienced real pleasure from anal sex it would be so much easier to write it off, put it in the ‘not for me' column and move along. But the ecstatic moments I've experienced when I've put the right amount of time into preparation are enough to have this rat keep smacking the shock bar desperately hoping for the pleasure burst when normally pragmatic me would have given up long ago.

Anal pleasure seems to come so easily to women I know and those out there in the world. I'm always reading blogs and listening to podcasts and it's all about the awesome anal G-spot orgasms, the DPs, the global entries. It's effortless for most women, it appears, and I feel so much shame that it isn't the same for me. The messages couldn't be any clearer: Cool, adventurous, GGG, sex-positive chicks love anal.

My stomach clenches with shame thinking about it. I feel disqualified from being able to claim any of those descriptors due to my inability to take it up the ass. I know intellectually that that is ridiculous, I am all those things and it has nothing to do with how many access ports I have available. I would never feel shame about not being able to reach the Z key and delete key on my keyboard due to my small hands, the inability to easily accommodate a cock in my ass feels like a character flaw.

The secondary, and incredibly related problem, is that every guy I date or hook up with wants anal, and not all of them have been gracious about the Hard No I give them from the beginning. I set my boundaries and don't budge on them, but I've had some pretty unpleasant experiences with the reactions and the ‘teasing' I've received from men I've barred from my ass, and it feels awful to feel so devalued for providing ‘only' my outstanding mouth and pussy for their pleasure. This is not an ‘inconsiderate douchecanoe not worth your time' problem. Otherwise, decent guys react this way too. I consider myself incredibly lucky to just get a disappointed ‘damn!' when they ask and I say no.

And despite the frustration of dealing with being a ‘terrible disappointment' sexually, I don't actually want to love anal sex for the men who want to fuck my ass. I'd be so happy to have it feel good so I could love it for me, share it with a special person or two, and continue have it be a Hard No for casual partners. It's delicate tissue and not somewhere I want any ol' rando poking around. But I want to get to make that choice, not have my over-reactive secondary sphincter make the choice for me.

I know there's not a magic fix and that all I can do is be patient and go slowly. Patience is a virtue, but if you've read much of this blog, you'll know I ain't virtuous. If anyone has any suggestions of what has worked for them, I'd love to hear them.

For now, I'll be in bed with a lot of lube, some nitrile gloves, and a series of progressively larger plugs and dildos. [Cue theme music from Rocky]


Kat (she/they) is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and they almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but they consider themselves non-monogamous and polyamorous, though they occasionally swing. She's also a podcaster - On The Wet Coast Podast - and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Their first book - Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut - is available on,, Inkterra, and Kobo.


  1. To your ” This is not an ‘inconsiderate douchecanoe not worth your time’ problem. Otherwise, decent guys react this way too. ”

    Decent guys don’t question consent when it isn’t given. Decent guys don’t tease, guilt trip, or otherwise coerce people into sex or sex acts. Contrary to what you think, those guys are also douchecanoes (or worse) even if you have somehow been convinced that they aren’t.

  2. I’ve been enjoying anal for 20 years and I absolutely adore it. Everybody enjoys a different things and not being into anal should be considered a handicap, there’s probably a few things you’d down for that I might not be! Just a few things I’ve learned along the way.

    1. When you’re starting it should be more of a side dish, than a main course. 2. If you know your clean in advance it can help a lot. 3. Orgasm(s!) prior to anal can be suuuuuper helpful, and should be mandatory for beginners. 4. Oral pleasure while slowly working up the ass play up with fingers and toys is beyond amazing. 5. Open communication with a receptive partner you trust and who understands your body (so you feel like you have to oversee, or micromanage the events happening below) is absolutely crucial.
    And lastly because so much of sex is psychological, you really have to submit and give in to an extent. I don’t mean submitting to your partner’s whims, rather accepting and embracing the feeling of things entering a place that is normally an exit. As physically pleasing as I find anal sex, so much of the turn on remains for me the fact that it is taboo, naughty, feels too tight, and like a penis shouldn’t nessasarily be there (oh, but it should!), and of course the little bit of wonderful delicious pain from taking something big and making it fit somewhere so small.

    PS, tip play/rim is a great way practice/get use to the feeling of entry, then once you can take the length grinding generally feels even better than thrusting, and for me, those pesky anal orgasms require quite a pounding!

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