When people consider exploring non-monogamy, we tell them to picture a pretty good but occasionally difficult relationship (ie, every relationship) and then picture it expanding exponentially because you've added more people. Eventually becoming a tesseract of interlocking and interconnected parts. Each of those parts, believe it or not, have a mind of their own. We've all been in moments where it seems insurmountable, where we acknowledge that this whole damned thing is just too hard and consider the days of monogamous yore. We discuss what pushes us to the edge, and what keeps us going, because playing with and loving others feels so fucking right.
Dylan starts the discussion with a personal update; Tonia feels isolated, not having people she feels she can talk to openly even when she's surrounded by friends contributes to that feeling. It's made her consider giving up this whole non-monogamy thing and it's left Dylan feeling useless since there's not a lot that Dylan can do to directly help. Dylan's feels guilt over some recent success and he hates the feeling that he's leaving her behind.
Cooper mentions that, acknowledging the negative feedback loop Tonia's in, that multiple partners bring a particular joy that we all seek, sexually and emotionally, Dylan explanabrags a bit but then admits that his #1 attraction to this lifestyle is that he no longer has to feel along, because he's part of this exclusive (but very inclusive) club. Ginger seals the point by stating that the relationship choices we make enrich our lives through the people we connect with, and that we bring that energy back to the relationships with those we've built a life with.
Ginger recommends a book, Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples, by Nena O'Neill.
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Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). Find Cooper on Twitter @CooperSBeckett, Dylan on Twitter @DylanTheThomas, and Ginger on twitter @GingerBentham.
You can Cooper’s novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous, at alifelessmonogamous.com or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory at mylifeontheswingset.com as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook and if you buy them from his sites, use promo code SWINGSET to save 10%!
Today's podcast featured music by:
Anna Yvette & Laura Brehm – Summer Never Ends
Cooper S Beckett
Ginger Bentham
Dylan Thomas
3 Comments
I’ve recently reconsidered my non-monogamous desires. I feel like I’d most like to swing and be able to have crushes on play partners, but not do any of the full on courtship rituals. This comes after swinging as a single male on and off through my 20’s, then being a poly secondary for 6 years. I was an active and respected part of the poly community in my metro area.
I think it was a great idea to have this episode and hear people hash out the options and the deep seated motivations as well. I do wonder why moving from poly to “just swinging” wasn’t mentioned much as an option? It seemed to mostly be moving from poly to monogamy. I listened to it twice, and I did hear swinging mentioned a little more, but not as base to move to after feeling that poly doesn’t fit a given person, or couple.
We didn’t mention as an option not as an oversight, but because it didn’t come up while we talked about it but I definitely know people that in their words “Went through the emotional washing machine of polyamory” and decided that it was not something they were interested in continuing, but still wanted to fuck other people so… swinging. My wife and I have been responsible for a couple crossovers in both directions so… those people and stories definitely exist, we just didn’t get to them.
Hmm…..
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