I’m Socially Awkward and Dating is a Hellscape


I’m having a rough time with non-monogamy right now. There are certainly highlights and bright spots, and it seems ridiculously privileged to be complaining, but overall, there has a been a whole lot of stress and pain mixed in with the pleasure recently.

Most of last year, I went through a great stretch where I had multiple friends with benefits (FWBs), none of whom I saw very often, but I was seeing someone regularly, sometimes two or three different dates a week. Due to various circumstances and the impermanence of relationships, most of those ended. I have two FWBs currently, but I’m not sure I can even really say I have them since it’s so rare that I see either. Neither are the type to message regularly so it’s more like they pop into my life every few months, bone the hell out of me, then disappear again.

In the reversal of the typical married couple scenario, it’s Flick who is getting all the action, and while I feel so much compersion for the pleasure he’s getting from his relationships with others, it’s tough to be the one on the outside.

I’m working on meeting new people but I’m finding myself more and more challenged by the social aspects of that search. I find myself so easily disheartened by conversations that aren’t easily flowing and can’t bring myself to push a limping text thread along; instead, I write off those potential connections as non-starters. And getting out and meeting people in person feels like an almost insurmountable obstacle recently. I just want to hide in my cave and have the cock magically appear before me (and in me).

Intimacy is incredibly difficult for me. Talking and socializing and revealing myself personally is much more intimate and vulnerable than sex is for me. I definitely need to feel like I have a social rapport before I have sex, but basically once I’ve established the other person I’m attracted to isn’t a psycho, or a Republican, I’m good to go. What is much harder for me is letting people past my walls and getting to know me as a person. Someone has to prove they've earned the right to the real me through the sexytimes and I’m not willing to put in the time and effort to get to know someone until I’m sure the sexual chemistry works.

I’m not having a lot of success recently meeting people who strike the right balance of connection without needing more than I want to give. This shocks the crap out of me because I thought getting casual sex was going to be the easiest thing in the world for a willing woman.

Unfortunately, guys who want super-casual sex aren’t necessarily going to want the friendship click I’m looking for and they don’t make any effort on the conversation front. Sorry boys, ‘Hey!’ just doesn’t moisten my panties. On the opposite end, I’m meeting guys who want multiple dates and a lot of ‘get to know you’ time before we get sexual. I’m not into that. I don’t want to go bowling. I don’t want to play pool. I want to have sex. If the sex is good enough, maybe I’d consider bowling. Nah. Still don’t want to bowl.

Yes, I did use two of the most hated words in the English language in a single sentence in the previous paragraph. I don’t understand people’s dislike of those words and I seem to have started trolling my readers out of sexual frustration.

I’m going to keep at it. I know that the only way to meet the right people is to continue meeting people. I’ve got a date with a new guy lined up, and one of my former FWBs popped up again, and our first go round at hooking up again went well so we’ll see how that goes. Flick and I have started making connections in the local sex positive community and have been invited to a few play parties so I might meet some people I can get it on with outside those spaces too.

Cross your fingers for me. If all goes well, my mouth will soon be too full of cock to need to worry about talking.


Kat (she/they) is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and they almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but they consider themselves non-monogamous and polyamorous, though they occasionally swing. She's also a podcaster - On The Wet Coast Podast - and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. onthewetcoast.com @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Their first book - Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut - is available on Amazon.com, Amazon.ca, Inkterra, and Kobo.


  1. I feel for you Kat! And I do trust and hope that this is just a brief lull. You’re lovely, courageous, and highly appealing and I’m sure it won’t be long before you’re again well occupied in all senses of the word! 8^)

    I have to ask one thing though, as a word lover… what are those “two most hated words?” I have re-read that paragraph many times to no avail! My guess is “bowling” and “pool” but I suspect that’s wrong…

  2. I so very much relate to your situation. It is the story of my whole ‘dating’ life. But I disagree with it being a socially awkward position. I’m NOT socially awkward at all. I’m an extrovert and extremely talkative. I just now think that they aren’t the same as me, ie my species. But that resignation and wishing is still very much present. Online dating didn’t help as much as I thought it would. But thank you for writing about your struggles. My partner sent this to me and it helps to know I’m not alone in my frustration.

    • Thanks so much for your comment, Opal. It’s enlightening to hear that other people with other personality styles have the same struggles meeting their species. It helps me to know I’m not alone as well and wish you all the best in your search.

  3. Kissarisssa on

    I wish I was where you are with sex (though I have a feeling I will be in a few years).

    Although I am far from inexperienced, I do lack the skills/experience to know I can deliver a “good enough” casual sex experience for the other person.

    I am glad there is kink to help me through the challenges and dry spells of dating. But finding kink play partners has its challenges.

Leave A Reply