I’m More Attracted to Men but I Have More Sex with Women


Her tits smacked me repeatedly in the face as she rode me and I had no idea that it was something I'd be into but oh yeah, I was loving it. Just one more thing to add to my ‘Who knew?' list of sexual Hell Yeses. When we eventually collapsed together, the hands of multiple women continued to stroke us, and I felt several other bodies press in beside us on the bed.

Oh, the lady pile. Such a delightful place to be with the silky skin, curving hips, breasts ranging from shy buds to the bounteous beauties I'd just had a close encounter with, incredible noises from soft gasps and sighs to the loud orgasmic cries that can be heard through walls. It's a place I've found myself more often than I'd have expected to do so, considering that I find myself more into cock than pussy.

When I'm in an unfamiliar location or play party situation, I almost always find myself buried in a pile of women. I hadn't noticed this pattern until I was reflecting back on this year's trip to Desire Resort and Spa with the Swingset crew when I realized I'd had far more sex with women than men while I was away. I'd had a whole lot of quality time with Ophilia both solo and at her Lady Bang. Peach and I had some wonderful strap-on fun and then orgasmed what felt like forever after we rode a double ended dildo attached to the Hitachi Magic Wand (the attachment and double ender were immediate purchases when I got home). I fucked, elevened, and got fucked by three different babes at the women's orgy. Raina and I had several sexy encounters and I came at least once just listening to her come. I licked and fucked, and then squirted all over Eliza's face (and multiple other body parts) during a threesome.

I definitely played with men on the trip, but it was only guys I've played with previously and with whom I have established relationships. I'd expected to connect with other guys, such as one I made out with previously while traveling, and flirted with heavily before the trip intending to seal the sexy deal in Mexico, but it just never happened.

When I think back over the year, I realize that every trip play party I did – Wes's birthday in San Francisco and the party Will and Elle hosted when I visited Chicago – I played almost exclusively with women. Not to mention my own birthday Lady Bang where five wonderful women feted me thoroughly. Even the failed attempt in Portland. I'd intended to only play with women that night.

I've been trying to figure out why that is the case, since as a general rule, my natural attractions run stronger towards men than women. I think it comes down to a few different things.

Comfort – When I'm in a situation I'm not fully at ease in, I'm not able to do the usual pieces that I'd do to get to know a guy and figure out if we'd be a good sexual match. There's a lot of focus required to do that for me and in play party group dynamics, I'm not able to have that focus. With women, since I don't associate them with the romantic aspects of getting to know someone, I can ease more simply into the moment and enjoy all the sexy opportunities on offer.

The Vortex of Will – I feel a lot of guilt over this, but when I'm in the vicinity of Will, I have a hard time fully seeing anyone else. The intensity of my attraction for him and the way our relationship has been interwoven with almost every important piece of my non-monogamous evolution means that when we're in the same geographical location, I tend to be focused on him. It's difficult, confusing, and sometimes painful (for both me and my other male partners). Flick was hurt by it our first year at Desire when he complained that when we were together, it was like no one else existed. I tried to be considerate this year and burying myself in women served a coping/self-distraction strategy.

Doing instead of Being – When I don't feel entirely relaxed, it's much easier for me to focus on doing things. I will often volunteer to run things or do tasks at events so I don't have to be so aware of the socially awkward pieces of being at those events and interacting with people. In play party situations with women, I'm usually the one wearing the strap on or wielding the eleven so I can concentrate on doing those things. When I've been with men in these situations, I usually end up focusing on blowing them or giving handies. I can put the attention on someone else's pleasure or giving someone an experience they haven't had before so I don't have to think about how out-of-place I feel.

Safety – Although I've been fortunate to be surrounded by wonderful men in my life, not all men are wonderful. There is a lot of inherent risk involved in being someone who has sex with men and my physical safety is a big piece of why I'm not inclined to have sex with those I haven't spent time getting to know. I would like to trust that guys I meet in sexy party settings have been vetted by my people, but I have too many female friends who've been pressured into acts they weren't comfortable with at parties, or bullied and hassled when they stood their ground on barriers, or had men try to breach clearly set boundaries. Those women beat themselves up after the bad situation hyper-analyzing everything they did wrong instead of placing the blame where it should be: on the men who crossed the line.

It sucks that much conflict and angst related to sexuality breaks down into me offering yet another critique of the patriarchal society we live in, but Women have been socialized our whole lives to acquiesce to men's needs and desires and it makes us vulnerable to going along with things we don't want to do because we second guess ourselves and our boundaries. We're also vulnerable because the men we're with have been socialized to expect us to resist and be unclear, and told that if they ask enough or push enough, that ‘no' will turn into the ‘yes' they want.

A further consideration is that physically, if I had to, there's a good chance I could take, or at least get away from most of the women I play with. The same is not true for the men, and in fact, probably any of them have physical strength superior to mine. That knowledge is also part of why it feels safer to relish in the female form in a way I wouldn't consider with unknown guys (though I know that stats show most women suffer violence at the hands of known men and the ‘stranger danger' we've been taught gives us false security/fear).

Slut Shame – Sex with a man I've just met at a party seems slutty, and although I embrace that label externally, some residual internal slut shaming stops me from jumping on the cocks of guys I've just met. I hate that it's a factor, but I also worry about the feelings of my established male partners, and how they'll react. I don't generally have sex with men in front of my male partners, have had three mfm threesomes (vs countless ffm threesomes), so I've twisted a bunch of things together in my head to make the combo of me and other dudes a bad thing that my guys can know about but can't witness.

I wasn't conscious of any of these factors until I sat down and analyzed them, I only knew that I tended to find myself engulfed in a lovely jumble of lady flesh in social sex situations. It certainly isn't any kind of a problem place to be. It may also be that I am more queer than I think I am, which is something I've had inklings of this year. And as much as I love bio-cock, I may need to have much more of a connection with the person wielding it than I do with those who wield the silicone kind.


Kat (she/they) is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and they almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but they consider themselves non-monogamous and polyamorous, though they occasionally swing. She's also a podcaster - On The Wet Coast Podast - and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. onthewetcoast.com @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Their first book - Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut - is available on Amazon.com, Amazon.ca, Inkterra, and Kobo.

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