In between perving pictures on Kasidie.com, I usually take the time to actually read the descriptions that the couples post about themselves. Crazy I know, but I’m a bit weird that way. In many, if not most of them, I see some sort of variation of the following:
“Drama free couple.”
“No drama.”
“Not looking for drama.”
And so on and so forth. The Urban Dictionary defines “Drama” as: Something some women and especially teenage girls thrive on. consisting of any number of situations that have an easy solution, which would bring a fairly good outcome, but these girls choose another, shitty, bad way to deal with it, again consisting of backstabbing, blackmailing/gossiping/betraying their friends, or the all-too-common “I want to break up with him but I still love him!”
A slightly more succinct definition is: making a big deal over something unnecessarily
So what is Swinger Drama? There are many forms of it. Most of us have probably witnessed it at some point. I will not attempt to define all the different kinds because, as the lifestyle is uniquely personal, so is the drama it brings. Basically, in my mind, there are 2 broad categories of swinger drama. They are simply this:
Interpersonal: In between different couples.
Intrapersonal: In between the 2 people in a couple.
Let’s talk about Intrapersonal first. Simply put: Couples fight. Some like to have screaming matches followed by hot make up sex. Some discuss things rationally, followed by hot make up sex. The key is the hot make up sex. Followed by the talk about what the fight was about while lying together in post-coital bliss.
All human interaction is based upon communication. Much of that is non-verbal. The classic is:
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.” (Which is usually spoken through clenched teeth with crossed arms.)
The words are saying one thing, but the body language is saying another. Next time you are at a swing club or party, or even a vanilla event (although why we go to those, I dunno), look around. I’ll bet you can tell, without talking to them at all, who’s new, who’s had a little too much to drink, who’s fighting with their spouse, who’s on the prowl. All based simply upon non-verbal communication.
Many years ago, my wife and I came up with a simple rule for our marriage. It goes like this:
“I can’t read your mind.”
In practice, it is simple. Say what you mean and mean what you say. The first few times I told her “I’m fine.” (When I really wasn’t) and she said “OK then” and blithely went on her way were frustrating. Then I learned to tell her the truth. Something was bugging me and rather than expecting her to coddle me until she weaseled it out of me, I would just be up front with it. It has helped us a great deal in our marriage.
In swingdom, this can often translate into “Taking one for the team.” Just the other day, a swinger friend of ours stated that several times recently she had not “felt” it with other couples, but went along anyway because her husband was really into them. As we all know, this is a mistake that will eventually build resentment in the relationship. The first time you do it, it’s not too bad. However, it sets a precedent that can eventually lead to a blowup. Bad juju.
It’s better to simply say “We like talking to you but are not into you.” or something similar at first. This is hard for most of us because we do not want to hurt people’s feelings. This is a noble thought, but the actuality of it can eventually lead to the unwanted drama.
This honesty also applies with your partner. I know my life got a lot easier once I got comfortable telling my wife my fantasies without fear of judgment. Especially since one of the hottest ones I finally told her, she liked too. Now we both are actively trying to make it a reality. All because I finally got over my fear and told her.
Interpersonal Drama
Human interaction is a learned skill. We are taught as children how to behave in our particular society and culture, sometimes with wildly disparate results. Some things we later have to overcome. But specifically, dating and its component skills are a learned skill. I recall my father telling me how to treat the girl right before my first few dates. However, this is a learned skill. How many failed dates did you go on when you were younger? Eventually, I learned that by acting a certain way, I would get into her pants, which is, after all the point.
So, how does this relate to swinging? The same learning curve applies with swinging. The eventual goal is the same, to get into the other couple’s pants. However, rather than 2 people, there are now 4 (or more) that all have to agree. This is also a learned skill. I know of several couples that tried it once, had a bad experience and quit. Imagine where we would be if we all gave up dating after a single bad date.
There is this expectation that we, in the Lifestyle, are all experts in relationships. We may be, in our own, but when it comes to multiple couples, there are still some things to be learned. We may be experts in our own relationship, but very few of us are experts in multiple couple sexual relationships.
With sex involved, emotions are going to be involved. Fact of life, deal with it. How do we prevent these emotions, which are perfectly natural, from boiling over into negative ones and creating drama?
We nip them in the bud. We talk with our partners, prospective partners, and tell them the truth, without expecting them to read our minds. A little bit of hurt feelings at first is better than a major blowup later. We talk with our spouse about our desires, expectations, fantasies and fears before we get to the swing club, not after a few beers and a sexy dance with a couple. For example, my wife and I “check in” with each other before every lifestyle encounter, and revisit our guidelines, just to make sure we are still on the same page.
It’s often been said that the swinger mantra is “Communication.” I firmly believe this to be true. Using communication effectively between all partners is the easiest way to prevent Swinger Drama.
Finally, a special mention goes to what my bride calls “Drama Llamas.” These are the people, much like the teenage girls described above, who make a big deal out of nothing and thrive on it. Llamas because they spit their drama on everyone around them.
There is only one way I know to deal with drama llamas. Run. Run far away, as fast as you can.
