Jealousy? – When Attraction Levels Differ


Jealousy in SwingingWe had a “date” this weekend with a couple–The Wonderfuls. We met them online at Swing Lifestyle (SLS). After some exchanges of e-mails and photos, we met them person for dinner while visiting relatives in the “big city.”

Over some delicious sushi, we immediately all clicked. To be fair, though, Mr. Doubleplay and Lady Wonderful clicked more. We were sitting at a Japanese Steak House and were seated along the hibachi table in a row. With that arrangement, we had to have 2 separate conversations. I talked with Mr. Wonderful and my Mr. Doubleplay talked with Lady W. Without a doubt, Mr. W. and I had a GREAT deal in common—kids the same ages, we had both lived in the same area of the West Coast, Lady W and I were in the same profession. So much to talk about. Such a nice guy. Could be a great vanilla friend.

I came to realize that Mr. Doubleplay and Lady W were clicking as well. But unlike my polite conversation, THEIR conversation was almost entirely about sex. What experiences have you had? What turns you on? So what exactly are the boundaries of for you and Mrs. Doubleplay? The chemistry, the electricity was SIZZLING. It was fun to watch although I couldn’t hear a thing in the noisy restaurant.

We paid our bill and headed to a nearby club to get some drinks and listen to a live band. Too loud to chat again and crowded. We finally found a bench where once again we were sitting in a line. I start chatting away again with Mr. W. I look over at Mr. Doubleplay and he is making out with Lady W. When did THAT get started?

Mr. Doubleplay later mentioned that he was trying to get my attention. I supposed I was purposely ignoring his attempts. I loved that he was getting some action. But if I acknowledged what THEY were doing, I would have felt obligated to do the same with Mr. W. And I wasn’t feeling it right then. I did however happily exchange some delicious kisses with Lady W when she turned my direction.

It came that time of the night when it was time to make a swinging plan. We suggested a hotel room and instead they offered to bring us back to their house. I rode with Mr. W in his car and Mr. Doubleplay took Lady W, so that we could all find the house safely. Again, I had some great conversation with Mr. W. In the other car, my Mr. Doubleplay had hand caressing, dirty talk, and a whole lot of that flirty build up that drives us crazy!

When we arrived at the house, we had some wine and got it ON amongst the four of us. Mr. W. was as kind and gentle in bed as he was as a conversation partner. And we had some very hot sex.

But what made the night sizzle was the electricity between Mr. Doubleplay and Lady W. After we were too tired to play anymore, the four of us talked for another hour, with Lady W tucked under Mr. Doubleplay’s arm.

The night got me to thinking about the difficulty of compatibility among four people in a swinging situation. I had fun, but was I…maybe…a bit jealous of the chemistry between Mr. Doubleplay and Lady W?

I think jealousy is the wrong word. I really enjoyed watching them all night long. In fact while I was being fucked very hard and very well by Mr. W., I had a full view of Mr. D and Lady W. It was so exciting to watch them that it made my orgasm all that more intense. Superb in fact. So, it was not jealousy in that I certainly want to watch Mr. Doubleplay have such a good time—it was a HUGE turn on for me. But it was jealousy perhaps in that I was longing for such a rare and deep connection that evening as well.

Mr. Doubleplay is an extremely attractive guy and he finds me the same. We talked the next night over a glass of wine during a sexy bubble bath about how hard it is to find others in the lifestyle who are extremely hot to each of us personally. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy playing with a whole lot of different kinds of people. But when you do come across that person for whom you have a deep attraction, the night is a special one. And it is rare. Perhaps even more rare than the finding the fabled unicorn (a hot, single female who is interested in playing with a couple).

The experience with Lady W caused us to discuss what the limit is. If we know that one of us is extremely hot for someone, how far is the other willing to go to give that person the opportunity to fulfill that fantasy? I found Mr. W. to be attractive and fun, so it wasn’t a concern for that evening. In the future, however, when one member of our Team Doubleplay is aching for someone and the other is not feeling it for the partner, what are the rules? Would we ever agree to one member of our team playing while the other sits out? Would one member “take it for the team” and play when it didn’t feel right?

For our relationship and boundaries, we agreed that we still would not go our separate ways—we play in the same room, we play together. We also agreed that if the other person was “good enough”—an ambiguous concept of course—then we would stretch for the other person. But if the chemistry was too imbalanced then we would limit the type of playing that we would do based on what the less attracted person was comfortable doing that evening.

I’m sure the resolution varies greatly from couple to couple, and I’d be curious to hear how others in the lifestyle handle such unbalanced attractions. It’s an important discussion to have as a swinger, I think. If a goal of being in the lifestyle is to enhance your relationship with your spouse, then a delicate balance exists between pleasing one’s partner and keeping one’s own boundaries based on the situation.


Mrs. Doubleplay is 40-something mom living in the middle of America with kids, a career, and pretty house in the suburbs. She’s active in her local church, coaches the kids’ soccer games, and happens to have a secret life as a swinger. Married to her high school sweetheart, Mr. Doubleplay, the couple dipped their toes in the lifestyle for a couple of years but then dropped off the radar to have kids. They rejoined the lifestyle in 2005 and haven’t looked back. They have been soft swap from the start but are working their way toward greater forms of adventure as we meet hot couples on lifestyle vacations, swinger clubs, and online websites.


  1. I often hear about how uncomfortable it can be to find oneself sitting out of activities while everyone else is having a good time. Truth be told, I’ve always had some envy issues with others having a good time, wishing I could be a part of the action. To paraphrase the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the feeling that everyone else is having far more fun than I am is very unsettling. For some reason, though, this envy only comes up when it involves people I’m not with.

    If Dawn and I were playing and I found myself on the sidelines, as long as she’s feeling good and having fun I wouldn’t find myself envious of her pleasure or feel like I’m missing out on something. Of course, this is just speculation on my part because my field experience is rather limited. The only incident so far that could possibly count is when she made out with a guy at an SCA event that I had to miss because of work. In that case, the only disappointment I felt was that she wasn’t feeling very good at the time and didn’t get a chance to enjoy herself. If she was feeling right and really into someone, I feel that she would deserve the opportunity to explore her feelings or physical attraction for that person. I’m a giver; I would love to be able to offer her experiences that help her grow or give her pleasure.

    I suppose my lack of similar generous feelings for people I’m not with simply mean that it’s challenging for me to share something that I don’t have. Eliminating those envious snags is something I’m working on. 🙂

  2. MrsDoubleplay on

    In your relationship would you be fine with Dawn playing solo without you? Mr Doubleplay and I are debating this one. I have a business trip coming up and a chance to play with a couple that we have tried to meet up with before. I think Mr D is comfortable with me playing with the girl alone but not couple as a pair or the guy alone. We are taking baby steps on this one to be sure we are both comfortable with this new step!

  3. We had just such a situation with a single female several years ago. I was not attracted and wanted a veto but Trbl wanted to take her to bed so I guess you could say I took one for the team that night and we played but it was very obvious to Trbl that I had only done it because he wanted here and therefore made for less enjoyable playtime for him. We haven’t encountered this since so haven’t talked much about the guidelines of such a situation.

    It is awesome that you were able to openly discuss it and create a new set of boundaries. It’s amazing how the rules are ever-evolving in the lifestyle and good to be able to communicate as new situation arise. 

    I loved the article. Thank you for sharing 🙂 

    ~xxx~ Jezzy

  4. The “No taking one for the team” rule is a good one that is bandied around a fair bit.  It is easy to apply when there is one half of the couple that is a definite no go. Like you say though, what happens when it is just that some are more into it than the rest.

    We are the same as you. We play together, not always in the same room though but together. However we have a loophole. Solo play is allowed for special occasions. If it is a particular fantasy scenario that is about one person or a fantasy person. These kind of dates are treats and only occasional not the norm. Generally we wouldn’t have an ongoing solo arrangement with a particular person.  Not at this point in time anyways.

    Like you say in the article. Things evolve as you grow in the lifestyle and your experiences. There may be a time in the future where we feel it is healthy for us to have separate poly style relationships. There may be a time in the future when we feel any extra marital activity is not a good idea.

    As long as we keep communicating about it we will be on top of the situations as they arise.  

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