Swinging Advice – I’m Bisexual, But Not Into Her – Uneven Chemistry & Swinging


swinging, polyamory, & non-monogamy adviceWe here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Q. We're fairly new to swinging. We've been together for 18 years and I think I've always been a bit of a perv, shy in some ways, but bent. My first relationship, back when I was a virgin was with two guys, best friends, my best friends, an amazing summer. It was years before I could look at any of my boyfriends then my husbands friends without dying to turn it into a threesome. But the change came for me, I got interested in/busy with other things, work, kids, BDSM aside for one mini, soft, pre-wedding orgy.

I always wanted to watch my husband with another woman or two or three, but was scared I'd be jealous. Last month I got the idea to hire him some for his birthday which he wasn't into. Brought home some of my vanilla friends which wasn't the best idea. He ended up suggesting that we go away to a place called sea mountain.

I learned a lot about myself that weekend. I learned I am not jealous at all, but I do get disappointed if I miss seeing something hot involving my man. That I love cock. That I'm not that interested in one on one sex unless it's with my man. But throw a couple more numbers in and I'm happy to participate or just watch. And I learned I am straight when it comes to women. I mean, it's a total turn on for me when I see multiple women together, especially if there are different skin tones thrown in. But I either am not that interested in fooling around with one woman or need some kind of connection maybe. But if some guy with a huge throbbing cock standing there at eye level comes up to me, I'm jello, maybe not any guy, but… I guess that's the root of my question. There was a really great couple there. The girl was a lot of fun. I would have wanted to hang with her if I didn't have to kiss her. And the guy, well the guy, I had a blast with him and my husband. I wasn't that interested in anyone else after that which wasn't necessarily constructive. It was like I ended up with a mini crush and couldn't see anyone else for it.

So how does swinging work if you are only sexually interested in one of the partners? Are those crushes dangerous to your relationship? Do they get bigger? Should you avoid them? Do you stand the risk of hurting the other side of the partnership if you are not interested in women or is this normal?


A. Penelope

A lot of the “does this work” questions are very specific to your relationship. In general, many people find that the sex of swinging works better when there's the elusive “four way connection” between two couples. That way no one feels left out or neglected, it segments easily, and there are less conflicts. But we all know that broad generalizations are rarely applicable to everybody.

Your question is interesting, though, because it seems like you got along very well with the male half of the couple and your husband got along with the female half, you just don't have sexual chemistry with the female. Everybody recommends honesty, and I do to. Telling the Mrs. that you like her company and enjoy hanging out with her, but really aren't interested in a sexual relationship with her is the MOST ETHICAL thing to do.

But between you and me and the tree, we all know that usually everybody who talks about honesty doesn't really apply that. We skew the truth and pepper it with white lies (or would that be salt it) so as not to hurt the other party.

In your case though, if it's something you'd be comfortable with, you might do well to get away from the “let's all four of us pile onto a bed” scenario and try different pieces of furniture, or even different rooms. This way everybody is being satisfied and you can all meet up after to bask in the collective afterglow.

It may not work. She may end up feeling hurt or slighted, and that's a risk you'll have to take. You should NEVER do anything that you don't want to do just to spare someone's feelings. This is called taking one for the team and is a big no-no in the lifestyle. Nobody wins in that situation.

The part I wonder about, though, and perhaps you can elaborate in the comments below, is the part about crushes. I understand you're more interested in the male than the female, but are you actually crushing on him? In a romantic way? If that were the case it would be a rather different discussion.


About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.

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