Pardon me. Please – Learning Swinger Etiquette

Today I’m a swinging unicorn, but if you dig through all the other labels I’ve worn over the years, the one that’s always been firmly attached to my psyche is “southern girl.”

There’s more to that than owning a set of iced tea spoons and being able to use the expression “ya’ll” without a trace of irony. The Southern girl concept can’t be completely grasped without understanding that politeness counts and proper etiquette is mandatory.

Making that perspective mesh with the Lifestyle has been challenging. The social complexities of swinging aren’t included in Emily Post. Without any written guidelines, I’ve been forced to guess at the appropriate response to unfamiliar situations and hope I don’t commit a faux pas so offensive that my license to swing is revoked.

Proper orgy etiquette alone could fill an entire chapter, beginning with the simplest of questions. What’s the appropriate arrival time for an orgy? In the vanilla world, it’s okay to be 5 minutes early or 10 minutes behind schedule, but anything outside that range is impolite. Will I appear too eager if I show up on time or disinterested if I get there too late? My Southern girl training refuses to budge on this internal debate. Despite the risk of looking like an excessively horny unicorn, I’m always one of the first guests to arrive.

If I’ve completed a sex act with one person, can I decline another partygoer’s offer to demonstrate his techniques in the same skill? If I was clearly enjoying myself moments earlier, does turning down his offer make it too obvious that what I’m rejecting isn’t the act? I understand that “no means no,” but I don’t want to be rude to a guy just because he doesn’t turn me on.

I consider it de rigueur to drop a note in the mail to the hosts of any dinner party I attend. Should I do the same when I’m invited to an evening of debauchery among friends? So far I’ve skipped the thank-yous in a nod to discretion. That’s the kind written evidence that can come back to haunt you later.

First dates are another mine field of opportunities to offend. Who pays for dinner when I’m out with a new couple? Because we’re essentially interviewing prospective sex partners, is it a business meeting, in which case I should pick up my half of the check, or is it a date? If it’s a date, I’m stuck with the same perplexing questions that I’ve faced on vanilla dates. If the couple extended the dinner invitation, should they pay? Or should I pick up my half of the check because I can take care of myself?

An excruciating exchange of emails over the topic almost destroyed any interest I had in a couple that initially I was eager to meet. Ultimately I realized that what they wanted to know is if I’m a gold-digging unicorn who expects to be wooed with lavish dinners and gifts. (I’m not and I wasn’t, by the way).

I’m a fan of the Lifestyle, but as a newbie I’ve had to learn many of the written and unwritten rules of etiquette on the fly.

Even an act as innocuous as a good-night kiss presents questions that I’m still not sure how to answer. Do I kiss the Mrs. or the Mr. first? And can I get away with slipping them both a little tongue?