Questions for the Future – Things We Want To Know From Future Swinging Partners


Just got back from a crummy meet and greet experience. Mr. Doubleplay and I ignored some red flags and just neglected to do our homework for this meet up. As a result, in many ways, I feel that we wasted an evening.

The couple that we met was sweet and good-looking and discreet. We did right on those issues. But we skipped some steps.

First of all, we met this couple on Craigslist. Now, we had met our new young friends on Craigslist (see previous blog) and that worked out fine. We got lucky, I guess. Plus the meet up was local so not much lost if it didn't work out.

What Craigslist is lacking that swinger websites have are structured profiles that give the information that you want to know about a couple. Without such information, the impetus is on us do that inquiring. In the future, I want to be sure to ask the following questions. And make the following statements:

– Question One: Do you smoke? If you smoke please refrain from doing so in our company. Honestly smoking is so rare anymore in our state given restrictions in public places, I forget I need to ask this question. Much to my surprise, the couple tonight smoked like chimneys without a word of,  “Do you mind if I smoke?” I tried to take one for the team and ignore the smoke as we sat at the strip club. But after a while my eyes turned a very unsexy puffy red and I couldn't breathe through my nose anymore. The back of my throat felt itchy. Not. Hot. At. All. Not to mention I now smelled like an ashtray. All I wanted to do was find a drug store where I could take a Benadryl.

– Question Two: How long have you been together as a couple? Turns out, this couple had been dating for only 9 months. Not really solid ground there. I think we assumed that because they were in their forties, they were in a long-term relationship. We need to ask next time. I suppose some couples meet and have immediate stability, but in out experience most couples in the first year of their relationship make for swingers who don't really know what they want with others because they aren't totally clear about each other yet.

– Question Three: How much experience do you have in the lifestyle? I'm thinking we need extra rules for newbies. Understandably, they are more unsure. The odds of a great connection are much less because they are nervous and unclear. Given these constraints, I think Mr D and I should only agree to meet newbies if the evening would be fun if nothing else happened. So we should make sure to go to a fun bar, have a good meal, meet up at a club, or otherwise have a plan that in itself would define a sexy evening. This would be a good plan.

Want an example of a bad plan? Agreeing to meet a couple halfway the distance between our houses when there is nothing halfway at all beside a little pizza joint and a shabby strip club along the interstate where you are the only customers. With a crazy sure-thing couple, such places could be wild foreplay. With a polite, but unsure couple, such places are drab and a bit depressing, plus a long drive home!

-Question Four: Asking the lady, what are you into? What are you looking for in an ideal evening? After spending an evening with our recent newbie couple, I felt that I knew less about them rather than more.  They did not want to talk openly about sex, their past, their interests. Maybe they felt shy or maybe they didn't know. Either way, some more advance communication would have helped. I flirted , I asked probing questions, I shared some of our stories. Nothing. I even casually switched places with the gal so that I could talk some with her guy and she could talk to mine. “Switch back please!” the gal said. Okay…..And yet when we decided to finally leave (after Mr D said he wasn't feeling it; and my eye was swelling shut from the cigarette smoke) the couple seemed really disappointed to see us leave. Maybe they could come to our hometown for a visit? Or we could meet in a club sometime? I wanted to say ” Maybe if you put a little more energy into tonight we would be talking about a hotel room rather than an exit strategy.” But again, they weren't rude. However, I felt that we could have been sitting in that strip club for three more hours without any chemistry building up. They just didn't know how or didn't want to escalate things or they were scared? I don't know.

Maybe I'd agree to seeing them again. But, if we met them again, our new rules would be in place. More dialogue beforehand. A fun evening planned in case they were not. Less investment in transportation and time and energy until we saw a greater potential in a possible connection.

I know that it seems to be a requirement in the lifestyle to say, No guarantees. No expectations. Certainly I would never want to play with someone who was taking one for the team or feeling pressured into playing. That is a huge mess. But in our lives, when getting away for a sexy evening requires babysitters, lots of advanced planning and a pinch of luck, wasted opportunities need to be prevented whenever possible!


Mrs. Doubleplay is 40-something mom living in the middle of America with kids, a career, and pretty house in the suburbs. She’s active in her local church, coaches the kids’ soccer games, and happens to have a secret life as a swinger. Married to her high school sweetheart, Mr. Doubleplay, the couple dipped their toes in the lifestyle for a couple of years but then dropped off the radar to have kids. They rejoined the lifestyle in 2005 and haven’t looked back. They have been soft swap from the start but are working their way toward greater forms of adventure as we meet hot couples on lifestyle vacations, swinger clubs, and online websites.

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