Ask a Swinger: How Can We Find Friends?

The Swingset received a request for advice the other day, and since I'm not locked in the top-secret Swingset toy-testing lab all day, I thought I'd use the request to launch an advice column.

So bring on the questions!  I'll do my best to answer them and provide any guidance I can.  Just note that the advice is free, and I really know very little about anything.  (Questions may be edited for grammar, clarity, and to best suit the community as a whole.) Email to tyler@lifeontheswingset.com.

On to our first letter:

From: vanilla all around

We apologize for not providing our names. We currently live in the very Northeastern part of the USA and there is nothing around that we are aware of. The area is rural, i.e. no clubs…that we are aware of.

Folks in this region are very judgmental and being shunned is real in this area, hence our reason for not providing names.

We have listened to a couple of your podcasts so far and we are impressed; good work.

We are very curious about the lifestyle, been married for 20+ years, still have sibling(s) in the home, and work in very professional and public settings. We have enjoyed the swinging/swapping stories of Penthouse Letters, Forum, Variations, etc. We are not into anal, we like videos, etc.

Our questions center around: How do we find out more (in our local area) without outing our interests/curiosity to the local judgmental vanillas?

We have, or would like to believe there are others in our area (could already be friends) that are interested and/or already living the lifestyle. How do we find out?

Maybe a podcast about this?

Thanks.

VAA, thanks for writing us.  There is no need to explain your reasons for being discreet. Everyone here uses a pen name to help protect the not-so-innocent.  Let's face it, swinging involves risk.  You're leaving the confines of a culturally-constructed idea of monogamous marriage, and stepping into the realm of the taboo.  There's also Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) to think about, birth control, the strength of your relationship, and the risk of putting yourselves out there and bringing new people into your life.  Swinging also has a way of uncovering personal and relationship insecurities long since buried.

So why do it? Because the rewards vastly outweigh the risks when the risks are managed correctly. Decide how much you want to advertise yourself before jumping in, and make sure you have boundaries well-defined both individually and within your current relationship.   But you do have put yourselves out there at some level and take a few chances in order for it to pay off.

Now that that is out of the way, I would be surprised if there were no like-minded people in your area, but I can see how your options would be limited in a small, rural setting.

To find people in your area, I would start by checking out a national swinging dating site such as Adultfriendfinder.com to see if there are actually people in your area that you could meet. I’m not huge fan of AdultFriendFinder (AFF), since there are much better websites to choose from, but without knowing exactly where you are from, I can’t  say what site would be best. AFF does have one thing going for them, and that’s a large member-base spread across the country.

This is how Holly and I got started; we met some people using AFF and then discovered what sites are most popular in our area from those people.  Hopefully you'll find people in your area and from there make contacts in your local swinging community, as well.

I understand that creating a profile can be scary, but you really need to put up some pictures to have any chance.  Just make sure the pictures you choose show you, without revealing your face or anything else that could identify you.  That means double-checking the pictures for anything identifying in the background, as well as tattoos and unique jewelry. Swingset resident, Miss Rose recently posted a great article on setting up a profile here.

If discretion is your first priority, I would seriously consider taking your swinging on the road.  Plan a weekend vacation to the nearest major city.  Start by creating a profile on a swing site that caters to that city, and find playmates in advance that you would like to meet and try to set something up.

Holly and I happen to live in a major city, and we meet couples from several of the less populated areas that surround us all the time.  They get a nice room, spend some quality time together, and set up a date or two with other couples to meet or play with.

You just have to be prepared that you might not click with the people you are meeting, so make sure the two of you can still have a good time while you're there with just each other.

Do your swinging well-outside your home turf, and you'll be able to protect yourself from your shunning, judgmental neighbors…. That is until you meet a few of them out there doing the exact same thing you're doing. Best of luck!

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