Whacking For America

Well, maybe not for AMERICA, certainly not CAPITAL USA, but for freedom.

May is National Masturbation Month.  Thanks to the folks at Goodvibes who, in 1995, declared it so.   It's not a THING thing, I mean it's not like they're putting Fleshlights out in front of Walgreens and have kids passing out bottles of lube to their classmates with “Be Yours” written on them.  (Sigh, what a world THAT would be….)   But it is for real and I say it's our civic duty as swingers to not neglect our solo love simply because we can have octet love.  (Oh yes)

Masturbation is finally really coming out of the closet, and it's been 18 years since I wrote my first article about it for a school newspaper, discussing how a certain episode of Seinfeld called “The Contest” had infuriated the censors because of the term “Master of your domain” which, though we knew EXACTLY what they were talking about, there was nothing the FCC could do to shut it down.  My article was of course FLATLY rejected because while Fox and the FCC may have been unable to censor, Marion Jordon Junior High was perfectly happy to do so in its stead.

My next article about masturbation (also flatly refused, this time by high school newspaper advisors) was in 1993, when Joycelyn Elders (who was Surgeon General for about 15 minutes) said that masturbation is perfectly natural and it should be part of the sex ed curriculum.   She wasn't saying that we should be TEACHING CHILDREN HOW TO MASTURBATE for fuck's sake (which is why she got fired) just that they should be taught that it's OK to do so.

I can't believe it's been 17 years, and I sit here with a website that I am the grand poobah of, so nobody can flatly reject my articles, writing a masturbation article that doesn't end with why is our society so prudish.  Because it seems like it's finally okay.  With MOST people.  (Won't say all…there are liars out there after all…and those who stroke it while crying and praying to Jesus [there's a frightening image {with goofy brackets inside regular brackets inside parenthesis no less!}])  Not to mention all the sex toy articles.  ALL FOR FUCKING YOURSELVES!

We're living in a golden age people.  While there still may be some bass ackwards states.  (Texas, i'm glancing in YOUR direction with your sex toy illegality crap, banning the creation and sale of anything “designed or marked as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.”)  To those I say KISS MY HAND AS I WHACK MYSELF OFF!

(Man, Cooper's using a lot of caps and a lot of perenthesis today…perhaps he's drunk.  Oh, and now talking about himself in the third person.  It'd only get worse if he started narrating…he mused.)

So I implore you.  Buy yourselves something nice… (I'm personally sitting next to the Robo-Bator, about to give it a whirl) and go fuck yourselves!

For America.

Ben Franklin would be proud…and inventing new ways to masturbate…