The box containing California Exotic Novelties’ Vibrating Pleasure Periscope makes a number of bold claims, all of which the toy itself completely fails to live up to. The packaging assures me that I will be able to “explore the innermost hidden recesses of [my]pleasure zones.” It’s clearly a novelty toy, and my expectations were low to begin with, but this piece of flimsy white plastic managed to fall so spectacularly far below them that it found a home somewhere in the Marianas Trench of my regard.
This “hi-tech vibrating probe” is billed as an “intimate self-examiner.” It’s exactly what it sounds like: a dildo with a clear tip and a mirror angled so that, using the view window, you can peer deep into your fleshy insides. It even has a light built into it (complete with disclaimer explaining that the light may get warm, and that you should avoid burning your delicate parts with it), to make your foray into the undiscovered country a little less Stygian.
Unfortunately (or perhaps not so unfortunately, since I admit to a distinct lack of interest in scrutinizing the depths of my own lady bits), it’s all but impossible to actually engage in any self-examination with this thing. The view window is situated in such a location, at such an angle, that only an accomplished Romanian gymnast or a giraffe could actually manage to look through it when it’s fully inserted, and the gymnast would struggle. Even the giraffe would be doomed to disappointment, though, since she wouldn’t be able to see anything through the view window but a pink blur. You can make out exactly no details through this thing–you get colors, and, at best, vague shapes. Keep in mind that there are only so many colors and shapes to see when you’re plumbing your own depths. It’s not the most exciting visual experience, should you even manage to get your eye close enough to the view window to see anything.
But wait, that’s not all! In addition to being utterly useless as a self-examiner, the Vibrating Pleasure Periscope is also thoroughly ineffectual as a vibrator, proclamations of being the “ultimate self-stimulator” notwithstanding. Oh, sure, you can push a button and the thing will buzz loudly. I assume the noise is intended to inform you that the “powerful vibrations” have begun, since you’d be hard-pressed to verify that by feel. The Pleasure Periscope is full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. The probe itself is the diameter of a quarter (literally–I grabbed my wallet for comparison) and is perfectly smooth and featureless. I have kitchen implements that would make a better dildo.
One a scale of 1 to 10, this toy ranks somewhere in the negatives. It’s poorly designed, cheaply made, and completely unequipped to provide you with any actual pleasure. To make matters worse, it seems to typically retail in the $40-50 range, making it awfully spendy for something that is, at best, an amusing gag gift.
Don’t waste your money or your time on the Vibrating Pleasure Periscope. It is one of the most phenomenally useless toys I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter.
