Listener comment:
“Hi, I'm curious as to whether you know of any couples where infidelity within the marriage has been the catalyst to start swinging, either through being found out or one? both? Of the couple disclosing to the other their infidelity?
Alternatively are you aware of any swingers who for whom the infidelity was a pre-cursor to swinging, but where the other member of the couple wasn't aware?
I realize that the whole swinging lifestyle is one based on trust, however note Cooper's comments about how swinging saved his marriage and it seemed to me that infidelity could present as a potentially ‘safer' option to maintain the image of being happy within a monogamous relationship than having the ‘I want to have sex with other people' discussion with your partner with potentially dangerous consequences (if the other partner isn't interested & takes offense leading to breakup / divorce).”
In answering this listener’s questions, I must first start with the last sentiment:
“…it seemed to me that infidelity could present as a potentially ‘safer’ option to maintain the image of being happy within a monogamous relationship than having the ‘I want to have sex with other people’ discussion with your partner with potentially dangerous consequences.”
Infidelity has definite dangerous consequences: completely undermining your relationship and destroying every bit of trust built between you. You really have to decide what you want. Do you want a relationship with your partner built on trust, honesty and mutual satisfaction or do you just want to fuck other people? In being honest about your desires, you have the potential to have both or you may find out that your partner is not built to handle non-monogamy. In which case, you must decide if you can maintain monogamy or if you must end the relationship with your current partner to create a relationship with someone who is also interested in non-monogamy.
Granted the risk is huge, but so is the reward. And the alternative of maintaining a farce of a relationship by being a dishonest cheater sounds horrible, as it should. No one deserves that type of partner.
I must share that I don’t have much experience with play friends who came to swinging through the door of infidelity. I have had many conversations with other swingers who braved the tough conversation and broached the subject of desiring other people with their partners; and that is how they ended up swinging. Of course, I haven’t had similar conversations with the people who experience negative reactions from partners, as those people don’t end up at swing parties.
Ultimately, although some people find their way to non-monogamy in response to infidelity, I submit that raising the issue gently and over time BEFORE a breach in trust seems much more productive. With the caveat, of course, that it is indeed possible for your partner to have a negative reaction. I always suggest sharing resources such as The Ethical Slut, Opening Up and listening to our own Life on the Swingset or other podcasts to dip your toes in the water together.
Good luck!
7 Comments
It is interesting to read the above story. Jake was interested in swinging for a long time but we didn’t discuss it. I am ashamed to say that I did cheat on him once. We had an open and honest discussion about it quite soon after the event. Eventually we worked our way into the swing scene.
Jake now maintaines that the infidelity showed him that he could deal with me having sex with another person as long as there is no lying. So in actual fact the infidelity has a direct link to our choice to enter the lifestyle.
We have met one other couple who followed the same pathway. So I believe that it is not uncommon. For us the key is the definition of cheating; cheating is not engaging in sex with another partner, it is doing something you are not comfortable with your partner knowing about.
We came to swinging through infidelity. It was a long road, filled with loads of guilt, depression, anger, (rightly-placed) mistrust, communication, understanding and forgiveness.
One of our favorite couples is actually a couple based on infidelity. That is, as far as we can tell, they have parters at home who don’t know about their adventures together. We didn’t find out about this compilcation in their lives until after we had played with them and got totally hooked by their hot and sexy ways. They are only available to play with us during the week, because I think they get together on “business trips.” We’re not totally comfortable with their choices, but honestly the sex is so great with them that we overlook it. They live in a city far away from us, but we look them up whenever we are in town.
One of our favorite couples is actually a couple based on infidelity. That is, as far as we can tell, they have parters at home who don’t know about their adventures together. We didn’t find out about this compilcation in their lives until after we had played with them and got totally hooked by their hot and sexy ways. They are only available to play with us during the week, because I think they get together on “business trips.” We’re not totally comfortable with their choices, but honestly the sex is so great with them that we overlook it. They live in a city far away from us, but we look them up whenever we are in town.
My husband and I very recently had this situation happen to us. A little over a week ago, we were having a small party which included tequila. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up a little while later to use the bathroom. As I was walking by the living room, I saw my husband and my best friend in a very intimate embrace. As I gathered my composure, listened to the conversation, and heard the giggles, I knew what was happening and decided to break up the little party they were having.
It took a day to process my overwhelming and conflicting feelings. I had been rather active in the lifestyle in previous relationships, but this one was monogamous, with no prior discussions on the subject of opening things up. We were happy in our marriage and our sex life was more satisfying than either of us had ever experienced in our lives. My husband and I had clear boundaries, had revealed fantasies, but never actualized them. However, I couldn’t deny the sexual feelings they had for each other. I decided to talk to my husband about the situation from a calm point of view. I revealed my pain, hurt, and fears and he was very contrite about the situation. He told me (and later she confirmed) that it started with the two of them dancing to some great music and then one thing led to another…I believe them with my whole heart, given that we are very close to my best friend — and she is beautiful. Through the conversation, I noticed a long hidden feeling emerging. I asked my husband to tell me everything that happened (that he could remember) and I was highly turned on. We had the best sex! It was stunning how easily I slipped back into my old lifestyle mode.Later in the day, we all three sat down and talked about the event. It hadn’t gone all the way to sex, although there was tons of kissing, fondling, groping, and some minor oral sex (she went down on him, but they stopped after a few minutes). They hadn’t had full-on penetrating sex.Coincidentally, my birthday was 3 days away. I asked them if they would give me a birthday present – a threesome. They agreed, given that I was experienced and promised to be a good guide for us all. Yes, they were afraid and nervous (which only made me more turned on). They were concerned that it would hurt the friendship, would cause me to feel jealous, or worse.
The first thing I did was bring up Ground Rules. We all had the opportunity to discuss our fears, and created guidelines for the experience. For example, I told them that my hurt and pain came from not being involved, that I wasn’t comfortable with them being together sexually without my involvement or permission. At this time, I’m not ready to know that they are together without me being there. I also told them that any deception would destroy relationships and complete honesty (no matter how uncomfortable) was a must. I also asked that my husband save his orgasm for me alone, unless I gave him permission.
My birthday was amazing! We all had so much fun. They were great together and we all three felt so comfortable together (we’ve been friends for a long time). The first time was interesting, too. My husband had never been with two women, which had been a long time fantasy of his. He was also very turned on and while he tried not to come quickly, his control was a bit off, and I allowed him to orgasm, but I went down on him while he did. During and after the adventure, we all three talked more deeply about the experience, how we could improve, what we enjoyed, what we wanted to do differently, etc. It was very nice!
We enjoyed it so much that we set another date a couple of days later. This time, it was more relaxing and satisfying for everyone. It lasted several hours, to our surprise. My husband came twice and showed enormous control, so I allowed him to come inside her this time. I realized this Guideline was more fun then necessary – I just wanted to be in control. But he liked that! I still get hot thinking about his sweet voice begging me to let him come while he had his way with her. Even now as I think about this I want to jump his bones again.
Basically, we’ve had more sex in the last week or so than we’ve had in the previous month! We are insatiable and while we are both being careful with this new situation, we also realized we are closer now than ever before. We’ve revealed things that we never dared before and are both amazed at how this has changed our relationship (for the better) between all three of us. I’m looking forward to how this develops. I would’ve never guessed I would feel this way and I think the love we all feel together has been enhanced.
we have friends (with benefits) that were both sleeping around, discovered those facts, and decided to try the lifestyle, Their relationships were sexual, not romantic. In those situations, I think it works, but what do I know.
We came to swinging from infidelity. My husband cheated 4 times in 16 years online. We have had therapist sessions together, where his therapist has described his sociopathy to me. He loves me dearly, considers me an anchor in a world full of people whose words and actions are always confusing, and that he finds me very sexually desirable. However, due to extreem emotional, physical, and sexual abuse during childhood, he has disassociated sex with emotion. He craves the chase, the rush of excitement when participating in a new flirtation. However, because he cares nothing for them, he can be manipulative, destructive, and downright dangerous in the alternative relationships. The therapist told me that this will probably happen again. Combine that thirst for thrill with little impulse control and a lack of consequences, and this is what you get. He taught us how to communicate with each other.
During that communication I burst out (surprising us both) with the fact that I was tired of denying what I wanted and always being the adult. I am bisexual and met my husband in high school, and I was furious that he thought he deserved as many women as he wanted, when I had given up the option entirely for our marriage. Knowing that he shared nothing emotional with these women helped a lot. My main concern was being able to trust him, and once we admitted some deap dark secrets he was like an avalanche of information.
It’s been a process, but it has netted an amazing change. We only play together with couples, so we share the initial flirtation period. All the excitement and curiosity and strangeness of new attraction is now something we share together. In addition, my presence is able to mitigate his harmful behaviors, keep everything on even footing, and stop him from twisting up some woman who has no idea what she is dealing with. It’s not for everyone, but for some people monogamy is not an option.