Translating Swinger-Speak

I think I’m finally beginning to master Lifestyle-speak. I picked up the vocabulary fairly quickly, but I had a couple of slap-my-forehead moments before deciphering the subtext of some commonly heard statements and phrases.

So today, in the spirit of openness, I’m passing along a few useful translations and interpretations that might be helpful to newbie swinging singles and couples:

She’s bi-situational. If we ply my wife/girlfriend with enough alcohol, she’ll play with girls. Help me keep her glass full tonight so I can watch some hot girl-on-girl action.

She’s very bi (with the emphasis on “very”). My wife/girlfriend might consider going full swap tonight, but don’t count on it. She’s all about the pussy.

Couple to a single woman: Come to our party. It'll be just a few close friends. We’re in desperate need of some variety. I’ve gone down on my wife’s best friend so often that the expression “getting some strange” has lost all meaning for me.

Single guy to a woman: Do you always use condoms in your primary relationship? How much time and energy do I have to put in here before you’ll let me fuck you without one?

“Single” guy to a woman: Do you have a condom? My wife doesn't know yet that we're in an open relationship; or, I know it’s a high school move but maybe I’ll get lucky.

“Single” guy to a woman: Can I see you next time I’m in town? If you fall for this one, I won’t even have to bother with the condom.

There are also volumes of unspoken information to be gleaned from the finer details and carefully couched wording in the profiles swingers use to meet each other online.

It’s safe to assume the following about basic physical descriptions:

• Everyone weighs more than they claim. Add 10 pounds for a woman and 25 for a man.
• Men add an inch to their height and won’t list it at all if they’re under 5-feet, 8-inches tall, which means that …
• A man who doesn’t reveal his height is a maximum of 5-feet, 7-inches tall. (See how that works?)
• If there are no photos of a woman, she weighs at least 20 pounds more than she thinks she should – which isn’t necessarily the same thing as needing to lose that much. Men won’t begin to feel self-conscious until it’s at least 40 pounds.

Thanks for the validation, but I don’t post all of them on my swinger’s profile. Oh, my God! I don’t want anyone to think that I might have had sex with you.

We haven’t had sex with everyone who validated us. Yes, we did. But you might not have sex with us if you think we’re slutty.

No single men. This one is self-explanatory, but because they usually look only at the photos, single guys will send e-mails to you anyway. My best advice is to remember this: The delete key is your friend.

If you have any other helpful phrases and translations, please pass them along so I can share them with the class.