This week, for the first time since I’ve been out as (almost-)polyamorous, I got an OkCupid message from a married, poly man. He’s not really someone I’m interested in romantically or sexually, but in this apparent online drought of ethical non-monogamy it was nice to be messaged by someone who knows the score, and is able to share a little conversation from my side of the tracks. A few days ago he sent me a message that contained (some version of) this question: “How did you come to be non-monogamous?” When I started writing for the Swingset I knew that…
Author: Harper Eliot
Harper Eliot
Harper Eliot is a writer and podcaster whose work mainly centers around eroticism and social observation. You can find an archive of work, and links to all her other projects, on her website Harper Eliot. Harper lives in London, but rarely sees her own house, spending most of her time on public transport, listening to podcasts and tweeting too much. Her vices include cigarettes, lubricant, Earl Grey tea, opera, nail polish, and pinwheels.
You might think that being non-monogamous would open up my options in terms of partners; that I wouldn’t have to be so selective, because I don’t need to find one person to encompass all of my desires and needs. There may some truth in the latter part of that, but actually, identifying as non-monogamous is proving to bring its own details and definitions to the table. Now, not only do my partners need to match my personality and attitudes and (to some extent) tastes, they also have to be non-monogamous – or, at least okay with me being non-monogamous. And…
Over the past few days I have found myself torn between two opposing, but equally thoughtful, takes on how best to go about dating and/or seeking partners. On the one hand I have the often correct, and somewhat magically optimistic view that you can’t manufacture love: it simply happens. You can’t choose who you fall in love with, or when, or why, and so you might as well keep yourself busy with something else, because purposefully seeking what you want is bound to be futile. (And perhaps you don’t really know what you’re looking for until you find it anyway.)…
Last week, between the haze of drunkenness I accrued in the company of my cousins, I was fretting over definitions. After spending a couple of hours weeping onto the arm of one lover, and a full morning alone in bed lamenting the loss of another, I felt conflicted and unsettled, and some part of me decided that what I needed was definition. I needed something that I could point to and describe in as few words as possible. Of course, it doesn’t really work like that. Labels rarely do justice to the thing they’re describing, and whilst they may be…
Yesterday I broke up with someone very dear to me. There was nothing anyone could do; it was just a matter of bad timing and extreme misfortune. But no matter how cleanly and reasonably we may have parted ways, it still fucking hurts. Over the past few weeks, as I’ve tried to save this crumbling situation, I’ve also struggled not to put the strain on my other relationships. Craving comfort and needing support, it is all too easy for me to show my red-rimmed eyes and curl up in someone else’s kindness. But I’m not at all sure this really…
One of the most difficult parts of opening myself to non-monogamy and, really, to polyamory, has been letting go of the ideals of monogamy. Deeper than our drive to find ‘the one’ seems to run our drive to be ‘the one’. We seem to be socialised to want to be the still point of the turning world for our partner; and there’s definitely some truth in how that idea has made me feel for most of my life. I’ve always wanted to look at someone and feel that they love me uniquely and for me, and only me; that I…
There is a somewhat unspoken belief that people in open relationships don’t feel jealousy; and for quite a while this was my excuse for not exploring non-monogamy: I was just too jealous a person. The problem with this was that I never really believed it. I don’t believe that you have to be devoid of jealousy in order to be non-monogamous. And I definitely don’t believe that people who are non-monogamous don’t feel jealousy. What I do believe is that 1) jealousy is something the majority of us feel, 2) it’s never a positive emotion, and 3) we would all…
Allow me to be frank at the commencement: I feel a little like a fraud. Why? Because when I take on a new project, I like to have experience under my belt. I like to have done my research and be able to offer an informed voice. But when it comes to non-monogamy, I feel like a novice; I’ve been calling myself non-monogamous for all of a month. What right do I have to sit under the hallowed halls of Life on the Swingset, and tell anyone about swinging? Except it’s not quite that simple. I have actually been non-monogamous…