Author: Kat Stark

I am eminently reasonable. In theory, it’s a great quality to have. I’m able to see and understand all the different sides of arguments and generally try really hard to make sure everyone is happy (often to the expense of my own happiness). I rarely fly off the handle and will almost never stomp on someone else’s needs to get mine met. Always the peacekeeper in our household when I was a kid, I’ve never been able to shake the need to get everyone to a place of calm understanding no matter the personal cost. My personal needs in those…

“Love is infinite. Time is not.” It’s one of the oft-repeated truisms of polyamory and it can be easily forgotten when we’re in the throes of New Relationship Energy (NRE) or surrounded by new, sexy people. Of course, we still care about and/or love the people we’re involved with and will talk to them, but this new person is just so interesting and exciting to get to know, and where did that 4 hours just go? I totally meant to reply earlier… I have very mixed feelings when people I love start connecting with someone new or reconnecting with an…

My husband, Flick, and I recently celebrated three years since our gateway threesome with the good friend who helped us achieve that originally. I’m so happy that it has never been weird between us since we started sleeping together when it works for all of us—maybe three or four times a year. There’s so much fear that getting sexual with friends will ruin friendships, and I’m sure it’s possible, especially if one party develops feelings that aren’t returned, but we’ve been very fortunate to be able to pull off a sexy friendship transition. Especially at present, when I’m just coming…

I dreamt about owning a Doxy Die Cast for at least a year before I finally took the plunge and bought one. I’m someone for whom external clitoral orgasms don’t come easily and after hearing the magic words “More powerful than the Magic Wand” I spent long hours fantasizing about the Die Cast. With limited options in Canada without a bajillion dollars in shipping (though of course, once I got mine, Come As You Are started carrying the gorgeous red one I REALLY wanted), I ordered the white one. I was a little sad but my Magic Wand is white,…

This year at Swingset Takes Over Desire wasn’t the endless hedonistic revel it has been for the past 2 years. I didn’t understand it at the time but I was in the midst of a fairly severe depression that flattened my pleasure and increased my sensitivity to rejection. I came home from the trip feeling worse than I had in ages and even less connected to my partners, rather than the increased closeness I’d been seeking going in. This unhappiness was one of the indicators that finally led me to take steps to treat something that wasn’t getting better on…

Non-monogamy is an inherently challenging relationship style, and not just because of the things many on the outside imagine, such as jealousy and time management. Those are indeed challenging things, but I’ve discovered that what turns out to be even more complicated are all the interconnected relationships between all the parties involved. It’s no longer A&B sorting out their relationship, but if they’re involved with C&D, we have A&B, A&C, A&D, B&C, B&D, C&D, plus all the ABC etc. combinations. Even if some of those people in those relationships haven’t met each other or don’t have personal communication, they all…

We all have the ideal visual in our heads of what it’s going to be like in a sexy situation. We often picture the mood, the lighting, the location, the outfits, and the dirty dirty things we want to do to each other. In these fantasies, although we don’t tend to consciously think about it, everyone is usually healthy, energetic, and happy. In real life, that’s simply not always the case. Sometimes the glitches and complications are severe enough that we need to cancel plans and reschedule. But sometimes, in the case of special occasions–or even more so, travel–it’s not…

Listening to a podcast recently, an author was discussing his book on loneliness in gay men, and how much being in the closet and hiding who they truly are carves grooves in a person’s personality. Someone who has lived the majority of their life hiding who they are never loses the fear of letting people in. That fear of being rejected if someone knew the real you becomes so integral to your experience that you never entirely shake it. I teared up in the car as I listened because I’ve lived the majority of my life hiding what a pervert…

Our eyes meet across the hot tub. You smile. Oooh. That’s a nice little zing. I smile back and in return you give me your best smouldering gaze. “Heyyyyy, Kat.” *record scratch* Hearing the timbre of your voice change from your regular conversation tone to a slick slide, I recoil a bit. Did I just get a ‘the look’ and ‘the voice’? Oh Hells no! I look down at my drink then quickly get ‘distracted’ by the suddenly very interesting conversation happening next to me. I avoid all eye contact from now on, hoping you’ll point that player game someone…

I’m not a monster. Or a robot. Or any of the other negatives I’d been labeling myself with for ages in response to some really uncomfortable feelings I’d been having regarding a couple of my relationships. The closer they wanted to be to me, to tell me how into me they are, how special I am to them, the more I wanted to push them away. Far away. Yet, the more another partner kept me at arm’s length, the more desperate I felt for their attention and connection, the more I wanted to hear them tell me how into me…