Author: Ms. Scarlet

At heart, I’d like to be a relationship anarchist but I’ve gone along with my partners (yes plural) who wanted rules and because it wasn’t worth fighting over. And frankly, I barely have time for what I’ve got on my plate right now. My to-do list is two pages and that is just for this week so I’m procrastinating by blogging. Failing at RA, for the past four years I’ve pretty much had a non-hierarchal quad of 3 primaries. Well, good things often end. It was spotty if we’d see the Foxes again but it appears we are going to…

For newbies and many experienced people, the greatest fear of swinging is being found out by vanillas. That’s not surprising since it would subject one to at best judgment, possibly condemnation and potentially the loss of a job or even one’s children.   The second biggest fear is running into someone you know. I know people who have run across their siblings and yes even parents in profiles, blocked them and run fleeing the other way without letting the other party know that they know. I know a person who ran into her cousin at a hotel takeover. Awkward. “Uh,…

This is Part 2 for the title but only because I got side tracked in writing Part 1. We recently went to a house party. Ostensibly it was for swingers but there were numerous poly folks there are well. During a period of formal introductions, everyone was asked to answer what they were up for that evening.  I understand the rationale for such a question during introductions. It can help people put out there immediately if they are no kissers or soft swap or newbies or whatever. In theory, it facilitates communication or puts everyone on the same page.  …

Life gets busy when you’re … well you know the drill. Another year of poly and swinging and I find that I haven’t written anything here for nearly a year and haven’t checked my lifestyle specific email for about eight months. So after purging what is primarily spam or about events long since passed, I’ve decided to catch up on LOTSS. It’s interesting after several years in the lifestyle how little we actually use any of the websites or technology available to facilitate swinging anymore.   I will occasionally login to the two major sites where I live to see…

I started this blog when I was brand new to swinging and the idea of open relationships. You may have noticed a drop off in articles considering I haven’t written anything in months. I haven’t disappeared. It’s just that I seem to have found some balance (knock on wood) and don’t necessarily need the writing therapy that comes with writing blog articles. Most of the time, I think we’ve got the hang of this. Unfortunately, when there isn’t any drama, there is a lot less interesting stuff to talk about.   I still read various poly and swinger online sites.…

I am talking about the overlaps between polyamory and swinging at the upcoming Beyond The Love Polyamory conference. It’s November 13-15 in Ohio if you are interested. http://www.beyondthelove.org/ Anyway, even though there are those who are judgmental on both sides, I think there is a lot of overlap and I am perfectly happy with a foot in both worlds. That said, I do think that there can be issues because it isn’t always clear when it is poly and when it is play. There are plenty of swingers who are very clear in the fact that their boundaries are to…

One of the good things about writing is that it gives you a chance to collect your thoughts. This is one of those articles. What I want to talk about is when you get to ask someone to stop seeing another person in the context of the poly-swinger world. When is it fair to do so? When is it right to do so? When is it wrong if they say “No” to the request? When does it become a deal breaker? I don’t have answers, but I have noticed a trend in our family. In the vanilla world, this is a…

The forums I read seem to have endless bitching about whether or not people are “true swingers” or “social swingers” or whether some swingers are just complete sluts or (gasp!) bednotchers.  It’s all kind of ridiculous. Some probably think we are bednotchers after an evening of complete debauchery involving hooking up with 5+ people at a party. Some others think we are social swingers or even posers since we will also go to clubs or parties and just play with each other or even just go home after socializing having had no sex at all. I think there are plenty…

This post was written in response to the If I Knew Then Project, asking us who care about GBLTQ youth to write a note to our younger self.  http://ifiknewthenproject.webs.com/submissions Dear High School Ms. Scarlet, I’m writing this letter and will be putting it in a bottle and sending it back to you via a time machine in the hopes that you find it and know that everything will be ok and work out even more awesomely than you can possibly imagine. You will find happiness. Even though you aren’t popular. Even though no boys ask you out. Even though no…

The Doctor (is that a Dr. Who reference? Be still my, beating heart) recently opined on the judgmental swingers he comes across who don’t care for his asymmetrical style of play. You don’t have to be in the lifestyle very long before it is quite clear that swingers are a judgmental lot. They also judge poly folks and poly folks judge them. Both camps seem to think those of us who are both are some sort of freaks. As a general rule, pretty much everyone judges those who don’t play the same way as they do as some sort of…