Author: Star

You can find Part 1 here. I want to initially apologize for writing so deeply within a heteronormative frame of reference, but let’s face it, that’s the world we live in. Many of the issues I find myself confronting when it comes to rape culture and sex-positivity are within the context of stereotypical masculine and feminine traits: the ways that men lust after women, the feelings women have toward one another regarding competition for men, and the way women “ought to” feel about being desired by men. There are worlds of other issues when we consider queer issues alongside this,…

Alternately titled, let’s see how many current events buzz-words I can fit into one title. Recently I’ve become very interested in the debates surrounding American rape culture, specifically its intersections with sex-positivity and feminism. I stipulate “American” rape culture, because the cultural norms and expectations that produce drunken frat-party violations are vastly different from those that produced the recent gang-rape reported in India, or others outside our Western frame of reference. As a sex-positive non-monogamist, I often feel that in the mono-normative world where sex is a commodity, subject to supply and demand, my sexuality is devalued and I am…

I went to therapy for the first time last week. Between the recent breakup with my (our) girlfriend, and general marital stresses at home, it was time to find someone to vent on that would actually be able to help, instead of just thoughtfully nodding at me and offering hugs. Not that I don’t like hugs. One of the questions that my new, delightful, poly-friendly therapist posed to me was about marriage. We were discussing commitment, and she asked what marriage meant to me in terms of commitment, and how it’s different from a long-term boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. This…

Several months ago my boyfriend asked me one of those really scary big questions that come up for every couple: “What comes next? Where is our relationship going?” He went on to elaborate that in a more traditional monogamous relationship, this would be the point where we’d start talking about spending more nights together, maybe eventually moving in together. The sort of conversation that signals major lifestyle-altering commitment. In our living situations, our polyamorous groups, though, moving in together is simply not a viable option. I live with my husband and one of his girlfriends – my boyfriend and girlfriend…

One of the biggest issues I’ve been struggling with in my current relationship dynamic is the idea of “polysaturation.” For those who don’t know, polysaturation is the point in polyamory at which a person is in so many relationships that they don’t have the time and energy to devote to any more. It is maximum relationship capacity. The reason this is a struggle for me is because on a practical level, I understand polysaturation, and feel like I’m getting there in my own life; however, I’m fiercely resistant to the idea on a personal emotional level. Here’s the rub: one…

One of the most common questions that I’ve been asked about my lifestyle is “how did you get started?” Though my origin story is not one with whirlwind romance, wild adventure, or radioactive spiders, I think that it differs enough from many of the writers here on the Swingset to be worth telling. To start with, I’m sharing a new diagram of my Constellation. When I first started writing, we were a family of five that were fairly easy to represent with my little star-chart, especially since I was on an end so my star was easy to point out.…

I live by two non-negotiable rules in my relationships, which are the foundation for my sense of security and trust with any other human being and the starting point from which all other relationship boundaries are built. The rules are, “Talk about everything, all the time,” and “No surprises.” The first rule is the most important, as the second is something of an offshoot from it, but these are the standards to which I hold myself and the people with whom I surround myself. Talk about everything, all the time. This sounds like the simple answer that is always given…

I will confess, this post is not directly about swinging, poly, etc. However, as a sexually liberated group, I felt like I needed to share my feelings on a particular issue with this readership. Penis size judgement. I have fallen madly in love with the body-positive movement. Let’s do away with body shaming of all kinds, and teach people who the only person who needs to love a body is its owner. Your value judgment is not a part of my body. I am in favor of this, and women everywhere are learning to embrace their ribs, their rolls, their…

I often feel like people who live fairly normative romantic lives place their social relationships into discrete categories: George is my friend, Sally is my wife, Fred is my brother, etc. I believe that people in non-standard romantic situations, be they open, swingers, poly, or other – and the people who spend lots of time around us – use more of a spectrum of affection to describe relationships. For instance, which standard relationship box would a swinger use to contain a frequent sexual partner, with whom s/he has developed affection, but with whom s/he is not in love? What box…

I am a people person. While I wouldn’t quite call myself an extrovert (I hate strangers and get anxious in crowds) I am the sort of girl who is happiest when I’m surrounded by people who I care about. When given the option of going home for a quiet evening alone or going out to the bar with friends after work, I’m at the bar every time. That said, there are a handful of things in life that I really prefer to do alone. And because my significant others and I work opposing schedules, I typically have about three hours…