When you add more people to a relationship, things get complicated. One relationship can be a challenge. Adding more relationships to your life is not only going to increase the joy and love, but also the drama. With each added person, the issues don’t increase linearly – they seem to increase exponentially because there are what I think of as “ricochet effects.” The bullet may have been intended for one person, but the rebound can hit others as well. One person’s or one couple’s drama can infect all. It wasn’t clear to me that it worked that way when we got into a relationship with Julian and Hanne two years ago.
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Recently some friends invited us to come along with them to a swinger club. I was intrigued. Anne and I have been to a few parties, but had never been to a club. So, we accepted the invitation. First things first, we had to call the club owners and go through an interview process as well as submit an application online. The interview process was very easy and non-threatening. Mostly the club owners wanted to confirm that we knew what we were getting into and that there were indeed two of us, a man and a woman. Once that was done, we made reservations.
As I have explained previously, I have been active in the BDSM lifestyle and its communities on various levels for many years now. I admit, I started when I was quite young, and had an intense interest in the feeling of being bound. I can, and most days do, remember clearly the scent of leather as it crossed the flesh of my wrists and the instant need to run away from what I had done. It takes a great deal of trust to allow some one to bind you, particularly in the bedroom. You are, after all, at your most vulnerable; naked, wanting, bound, waiting… Its an intoxicating mix that makes my head spin when I think about it. I love it. It is a drug that can not be compared to any other, and an addiction that will evolve into a full-bellied beast that never lies dormant. You will always need it, if it is in your blood, as it is in mine.
Hello, my name is Star. I have a husband. My husband has a girlfriend. His girlfriend has another boyfriend, who has a wife, and his wife happens to also be her girlfriend. Yep. Need a diagram yet? Well, it’s a good thing that I happen to have one prepared.
The question is: Do I sit her down and have a little chat about the situation? Something like, “You know that Julian is my boyfriend and Hanne is daddy’s girlfriend. I want to tell you that this is unusual – most people who are married don’t also have a boyfriend or girlfriend. They only have their husband or wife. Most of your friends and their families would think it was strange. You might want to be cautious when mentioning it to them.”
They’re certainly not in the same category as life’s big questions, but the Lifestyle and my eagerness for sexual exploration have presented me with some new issues to ponder. They sort of drift through at random when I’m stopped at a traffic light or staring into space over a hot chai.
So, now I am 30 and have been in the swinging lifestyle for roughly a year. To say this last year has not changed me would be a lie, but I don’t feel changed. I feel as though this is who I always was, it is just now that the inner me shines through without being dulled by the chains and constraints that had been placed on my by myself and society.
Some swinger haters seem to be particularly riled by my active involvement in my church community. The assumption seems to be that swinging and religion/spirituality are not compatible. I figure it is time for me to state my views on this matter.
Some readers may wonder: Why polyamory? Well, for us, this came from the understanding that we do not control the other person’s sexuality. We are very sexual creatures and we are attracted to whomever we happen to be attracted to. We were comfortable in our sexuality and our relationship, and through much discussion we came to an understanding that physical intimacy does not constitute infidelity. Deception is infidelity, but what Ally and I do is right out in front of each other. Full disclosure.
There are a lot of gray areas in life, but I’ve tended to live mine in a black-or-white, all-or-nothing sort of way. Standing in the middle requires a lot of stamina and patience. The first I can manage if something is worth the effort, but the second? Um, yeah… Pardon me as I try to shake off a sudden vision of friends and family laughing so hard that they’re gasping for breath.