Relationship Repair: Have A Device-Free Day


So yeah, life sucks right?

Well no, actually. Life is pretty good for us poly pornographers, hence my absence. Too busy living it to blog much about it, so thanks for your patience with my neglect. Summer’s gone out with a bang – in a tent….because camping…and tent sex – and fall descends with a whimper. Temps are still high, things overall are pretty good. I’ve been doing this weird “making friends” thing and am hitting the bars with two kickass girlies tonight. To paraphrase a song I won’t listen to but has a pretty goddamn catchy title: we got 99 problems that really boil down to one.

So we persevere. We’re working on that one real problem we have. It’s a problem of practicality, not polyamory, so no real drama to report. It’s just that life is hard and shit goes down but we work on it. Together.

Quite a lot of others apparently just whine a lot about it. “Wahh…..wahh….life is hard! No one told me! I grew up watching sitcoms that wrapped up all their problems in 24 minutes or less (including commercials for Summers’ Eve douche) and this real-life stuff is totally unexpected! And in Jennifer Anniston movies, this kind of thing NEVER happens.”

Blow me. Welcome to life outside a chick flick. Crying gives you wrinkles. Stop it.

The truth is this: you’re always gonna have problems. Some of you, more so than others. My first reaction to a problem: the initial blast of rage/pain/hurt/fear/whatever, then I blow my goddamn nose and think: “What can I DO about this?” This may come as a shock to you Dr. Phil fans who’d rather sit around, picking each other’s crotches, whining about it all goddamn day but most of the time, there actually IS something you can do.

Disclaimer: if you’ve got cancer, live in a war zone or are otherwise dealing with violence, serious illness or abuse then yes, by all means: whine. You’ve got some real problems and have my full sympathy. Except even then: there are a lot of people who still don’t. You're amazing. All of you.

If it’s a relationship problem…well, judging from how much time we all spend on the internet or our flashy-screen thingies, one suggestion I have that could vastly, IMMEDIATELY, improve the quality of all our relationships is TURN THE GODDAMN THINGS OFF. Yes indeed, that yell was to me as much as you. I spend way too much time on Twitter (to the point where Joe actually initiated The Talk about it); we all spend too much time on our phones, PCs and watching television.

TURN EVERYTHING OFF. Go for a walk. Go get ice cream. Go outside. Look at the stars. TALK TO EACH OTHER. No, for the love of hell, not about anything serious. Are you crazy?! Why ruin the moment? I’m talking small talk. Chat. With a live person right in front of you, for a change. You’ll be amazed at how pleasant it can be (despite how popular the I hate real-life people joke format is on Twitter). Half the reason many people claim to be on the internet in the first place is loneliness. Odds are, there’s an actual live person around you right now who might enjoy a little attention. You know…with like…eye contact and stuff. I know, weird huh?

Plus, there’s the added bonus of reinforcing positive neural connections for a change, also known as making GOOD memories. It’s a proven fact of psychology that the more often you fixate on the negative, the stronger those memories – and their associated neural pathways – will become, overtaking anything good in your life and reinforcing a self-perpetuating depressive state. You can combat this by doing something…anything…fun or even minimally distracting. Stop overthinking. Your brain is an asshole.

Yes, of course this (rather cunty rant) is a vast oversimplification of how a lot of problems can be dealt with. Places like Twitter can be useful and liberating in that they’re a purely cerebral…and shamelessly sapiosexual…outlet which thrives on nurturing the development and evolution of personal horizons. Add in the 5 bajillion users factor and you’re bound to make friends (unless you’re a total douchewad) who will periodically lend a sympathetic ear and tell you bluntly (probably using an anal sex metaphor) just how you’re fucking up your life. But none of that feedback will do you any good if your only response to it is to heave another deep watery sigh and return to breast beating.

Which brings us, I suppose, to the point of today’s post: go fucking do something. Get off your phones, shut off the computer and tv, and go make a good memory for a change. The old clichés are true: we don’t have much time, so get the fuck on it before it’s too late. It does get too late, you know.  All the time.

Stop talking. Communication is important and has its place, of course but like the old song says “then you go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like….” Well, whatever it is you think needs to be said NOW. I bet it could wait until you’re done watching that sunset, or taking that walk. Or going down on your partner.

Go have some fucking fun, even of the non-nakedy sort. You and your partner will be glad you did. Reinforce some positive moments for a change, and I promise you one thing: they’ll breed. You’ll have more of them, vastly improving the quality of your relationship.

Ok, bye. I’m going to do something fun.


Mina Gorey is a polyamorus pornographer who shares her sex life with fiancé Joe via her websites, and their personal life via spycams. That was all cool and boundary-broadening, so then she went polyamorus, and now she and Joe share other stuff, with other people. She shares a lot of that with the web, via a blog.

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