I Kissed A Girl – Poly Zoe Moves Down the Road To Swinging


I Kissed A Girl - Poly Zoe Moves Down the Road To SwingingMy name is Zoe Hanis and I have discovered the terms polyamory and swinger are not mutually exclusive – oh, and I may be bisexual.

I think I am starting to get the hang of swinging; though I am not convinced that it is a whole lot different from polyamory.

I am not having sex with anonymous strangers nor am I having one night stands. Rather I am having sexual relationships with my friends and their friends.  It seems easy and natural. Friendship is a special type of relationship. It is an easy-going one. Friends accept you for what or who you are.  I care for my friends (love even), sometimes very deeply. And it makes sense that sex would be fun and enjoyable with them.

Guy and I were friends before we started dating.  We chatted on-line for months before ever meeting in person. I see a lot of similarities between the beginning of our relationship and the beginning of mine and Hubby’s oh so many years ago.  Hubby and I were friends before we ever got around to dating.  He knew who and what I was and accepted me for it – never asking me to change, but has allowed for and even encouraged my personal growth.

In looking back over the last several romantic relationships, I see patterns in my behavior that are absent now. I tend to unknowingly chameleon myself – to take on traits or interests that I feel that my partner wants me to have.  I become what makes them happy.  I have also been known to hold onto relationships for longer than I should. I am not sure if it is because when a relationship ends, I feel that it is my fault – if only I had been able to do something better, be more of what he wanted, we could still be together. Or it may be because there is a part of me that does not like to be alone and feels that any relationship is better than none – especially if it is a relationship in which what I will miss most is the sex and friendship.

One of the reasons that I had always considered myself bad at monogamy was because when I became emotionally close with someone,. I would try to spend as much time with them as possible. I love being around those that I could talk to; someone who whom I could to take off my mask and know that they still like me; someone who would understand me. And inevitably, I would begin to fantasize about being more physical with them. This tended to make the friendships awkward and many did not last.

When I did end up fucking a male friend, the sex tended to bring along negative consequences of guilt as one or both of was in a monogamous relationships and therefore, cheating.

For many years, I consciously had no male friends. It made the temptations easier to bear. But every so often, when I would find myself drunk or stoned, I would be longing to touch my female friends: to feel their breasts or kiss their lips. But these desires could be repressed easier, for sex with women was even more taboo than cheating.

Last night, I had the opportunity to play with a woman.  It wasn’t the first time the opportunity had arisen, but it was the first time that I felt ready and comfortable enough to act on it.

In all honesty, I was a bit nervous.  What do I know anyway about women?  Guy says that I know more than I believe that I do, simply by being a woman. But there is a difference between being knowledgeable about a subject and being able to apply that knowledge. What if I did something she didn’t like?  What if she thought I was lousy at this?  What if she laughed at me? What if she tasted funny? Gentlemen have always told me that I taste good, but I wouldn’t call my “pussy juice” overly tasty.

I really had nothing to worry about. Guy facilitated the fmf. He helped with positioning and gave me helpful hints and instructions. And I discovered some new and perhaps, surprising things.

  • I loved playing with them. I want to do it again. I want to learn – to get better at pleasing women (for the most part I am already good at pleasing men).
  •  I like to make people feel good. It doesn’t matter if it is a man or a woman, the pleasure I feel by being able to elicit the heavy breathing and noises brought about by pleasuring my partner are the same. The only real difference is how the buttons get pushed to elicit the desired response, but the buttons are the same: nipples, genitalia, anus, etc. It is simply a matter of manipulating what is present.
  •  The desire that arises within me with its subsequent wetness from kissing (remember: kissing is one of my favourite things) is from kissing.  It has nothing to do with the gender of my partner and everything to do with feelings.
  •  Watching Guy penetrate her was exciting.  It was hot to watch, but even more incredible to be a part of it.  To kiss them both and to lick her clit and his balls as his cock moved in and out was wonderful.  I always thought that seeing my partner with someone else would be something that I might not be able to handle. That allowing someone else into your sex play would change things, in my head if not in person.  But the way I feel about him has not changed.

It seems that lately my preconceived notions, my beliefs about myself and my world, are being challenged. And where this once would have caused me great stress and uncertainty, it now seems easier to navigate – perhaps because I have such good friends to help me through.


Zoe first described herself as "bad at monogamy" until about five years ago when she and her husband discovered the term that actually described her: polyamorous. Since then they have opened their family to other partners. Zoe is currently juggling relationships with her husband, their two kids, her husband's girlfriend, and a slew of friends/loves that she calls her tribal poly family. She can be reached on facebook or on twitter @ZoeHanis


  1. Nice post, Zoe! I’m just on the cusp of being brave enough to really explore women.

    This wild world of alternative relationships takes on so many forms. My husband and I opened our marriage due to our very different sexual needs. We soon discovered he is much more comfortable being monogamous and I am truly polyamorous. So that means, I find meaningful friendships with possible benefits, and he only has sex with me. I’ve had a few three-ways, but nothing serious. Definitely poly, but not a swinger. So far. xoxo

  2. Great post, Zoe. You’ve got a way with words! I found myself agreeing with nearly everything you’ve said here.


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