Being a Sexual Special Guest Star – Part 3: Meeting Couples!


Being a Sexual Special Guest Star - Part 3: Meeting Couples!It's time to meet couples in real life! Whether you've decided to meet a couple one on one or venture out to a swing event, here are some guidelines to help you along.


As a single it's important to consider your safety foremost. While most people we've met in the lifestyle are genuine and caring; we have met individuals who are dangerous. You don't need to be paranoid, but please take a few easy steps to make your encounters safer.

I strongly suggest that whenever you meet strangers for the first time it be at a public place. Swing clubs or meet and greets offer a safe place plus a sexy environment. Bars, coffee shops and restaurants also work well for first meetings. Think about where you will be comfortable and relaxed.

If you are meeting a couple individually, rather than at a club or event, consider telling a friend where you are going and checking in with them at the end of the evening. You can easily work this into your conversation with the couple in a non-threatening manner. As you are talking about swinging and experiences ask if any of their “vanilla” friends know they are swingers. Then you can tell them you have a friend who knows where you are and is your safety net.

We exchange cell phone numbers with the person we're meeting in case something unexpected occurs. This is also helpful if the location you've chosen is busy or you have trouble finding the couple.

You should not expect to have sex with the couple you are meeting for the first time. But, you should be fully prepared if things move in that direction. Have safer sex supplies with you and be comfortable discussing STI testing.

Visiting a Swing Club or Meet and Greet

Swing clubs offer amazing, erotic environments, but all are different. You should check the club's website for their rules regarding singles and to learn if you need to apply for membership ahead of time. An on-premise club has areas for sexual activity. Off-premise clubs and meet and greets do not. The club website will give you information about upcoming theme nights, dress codes and alcohol policies. There will be a phone number to call if you have questions.

Many clubs have a dress code. Even if there is not a dress code, you should plan to wear clean clothing that makes you feel sexy and comfortable. Dress to impress whether it's casual or more formal. No ripped clothing, baseball hats, sweat pants or men's tank-top undershirts! Women often change into lingerie or club-wear at the club. Depending on the theme, usually about one-half to three-quarters of the women and a handful of men dress for for the theme. I've found that dressing for the theme generates more attention. When men dress for the theme they are definitely noticed.

On your first club visit you should arrive early in the evening so you can attend the new member orientation or tour. At most clubs you bring your own alcohol and the club provides mixers. Many clubs only accept cash. I would advise only taking the amount of cash you need and your driver's license into the club with you. It is very easy to lose your wallet if you are taking off your pants at a club! Most clubs restrict cell phone use and do not allow cameras. Remember to bring condoms, and any lube or toys you need.

Meet and Greets are casual, organized gatherings of swingers held at bars or restaurants. Since it is a public place, there is a lot of flirting but no overt sexual activity. Meet and greets are a great way to meet a number of couples in a low-pressure setting. You can find meet and greet groups on swinger personal ad websites like Kasidie. The same dress rules apply for meet and greets as clubs. Some couples at meet and greets are there to get to know people for possible future play and some are interested in playing that night.

At any swing event a few basic rules apply. “No means no,” and “Ask first,” are the most important. This means before engaging in sexual activity with someone you should ask permission. If they say, “No,” you need to respect that and move on. The other big rule is discretion. Just like Vegas, what happens at the club, stays at the club. Don't talk about who or what you saw.

At a club or meet and greet you should sit as little as possible. When you do need to rest your feet, sit facing the crowd, not the bar. Move around the room, smile and make eye contact as you pass people. If you enjoy dancing, jump on the dance floor. Men who dance are especially well-received.

Be very careful about how much you are drinking. It is easy to get carried away when you are nervous. I like to have a drink in my hand for pauses in conversation. Most of the evening I drink water. Too much alcohol results in bad decisions and poor sexual performance.

You will need to step out of your comfort zone and meet people. If you sit in a corner you will not get attention, even if you are the sexiest person in the room. When you approach a couple you should approach them together. Do not wait for one spouse to go to the restroom and then approach the other alone.

The best way to meet people is to walk up to someone, smile and say, “Hi, my name is…” It's that simple, but it can be hard to take that first step. Most people will be engaging; some won't. Make it a game for yourself, you have to introduce yourself to at least X number of people.

After you introduce yourself, pay a compliment and ask a question. Be genuine and sincere. You can compliment their clothing, dancing skills or smile. Do not make the compliment overtly sexual. You can ask if they have been to the club before, what they are drinking, or a question related to your compliment. Listen to their answers and let the conversation flow.

Assessing the Match

Have fun and be yourself at your first meeting. Smile and make eye-contact. Make conversation with both the husband and wife. Spend a good amount of time listening. Pay compliments and flirt as appropriate to the situation. Here a few things to look for to determine whether this might be a good match for you:

1.Watch how they respond to your flirting. Does the partner who is not flirting seem comfortable and at ease? Is their body language showing disapproval or tension? Is the partner you are flirting with giving you positive feedback? Are they smiling, making eye-contact, responding to your comments? Are they moving closer or backing away?

2. How does the couple interact? Are they kind and loving toward each other? Are they giving each other dirty looks or making snide comments?

3. How do they treat the waitstaff at the bar, restaurant, or club? Are they respectful and polite or condescending and brusk?

4. How much are they drinking? People do not make good decisions or perform well sexually when drinking excessively.

5. How do they describe their past swinging experiences? Are they positive and fun for the most part? Are they discreet about past swing partners' names? Do they have consistently negative or drama-filled experiences?

If you do not have a good feeling about the situation, end the interaction. It is not worth it to have a negative experience just to have an experience. You want to spend time and energy with people who respect you, others and themselves.

If there seems to be an attraction, this is a good time to talk their and your sexual interests and rules or boundaries. It is fine to ask their sexual orientation. If their label is vague, like situationally-bi ask them what this means to them. If a couple has no rules at all, you should be wary. You want to be involved with couples who have fully discussed swinging and are appreciative of the risks. If they have many rules, or rules that seem like they will be hard to abide by, beware. Trying to remember a multitude of rules in the heat of the moment is difficult and can result in anger or hurt feelings. You should also share your boundaries at this time.

Closing the Deal

If your interests and boundaries mesh, the three of you may be interested in taking things further that evening. Especially at a club, this is a likely situation. If you feel there is good chemistry, let them know in a polite, direct manner. Then give them a few minutes alone to confer. Giving them time to discuss the situation shows you appreciate the couple's dynamic and understand they are a team.

Here's an example, “Well, I need to refresh my drink (or use the restroom), but I think you are a really cool (sexy, fun) couple and I'd love the opportunity to play with you tonight. I'll be back in a minute, can I bring you something from the bar?”

Leave, just for a couple minutes, then return to the couple. They should give you a clear indication of whether they want to continue the evening with you. If they don't, ask them, “Would you like to get a room?” This is not pushy. They can agree, say they would like to meet again at another time, or decline.

If they say they'd be interested in playing later, you may want to continue flirting and getting to know them. If they say, “Let's go!” You are in for an unforgettable experience! Be sure to check out my next segment for tips for sexy times.


Lisa and her husband have been married for 16 years and non-monogamous for 4. They live in a swing state and are active in their local community organizing events. Lisa's passions include reading, writing, crochet, aquariums and building an amazing local and online swing community.


  1. George and Ann on

    The importance of observing how couples treat each other and especially how they treat the waitstaff is spot on. Watch and listen.

    Equally, the importance of creating time and space for the couple-of-interest to confer privately can’t be overstated. Finding a strategy to leave for a few moments at a party or club is easy. It can be harder at a restaurant if it’s a 2+2 dinner. We always bring a sweater or similar to leave at the table and then excuse ourselves to the restrooms. “Would you keep an eye on the sweater?” Leaving the sweater at the table is simply a reassuring token that we are not beating a hasty retreat or stiffing someone with a check.

  2. Excellent information.. Most of the part about “assessing the match” & “closing the deal” I hadn’t thought about really. Done great tips.

    Thanks for taking the time to write these.


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