Review: VerSpanken Male Masturbator – Big Teaze Toys Tries Something Different


VS-GroupShot-Pckgs w-Products2I see the word revolutionary tossed around a lot when it comes to sex toys for men. It's interesting that since there are so few QUALITY sex toys for penises, everybody starts screaming “¡Viva la Revolución!” when something remotely different comes down the pike. So, the VerSpanken looked different, and promised something different, I'll admit to being mildly hopeful that this revolution wasn't so much like number nine (You know, Revolution #9. That shitty “song” that ended The White Album. It's just nonsense. Stupid Yoko.) and was more like the OTHER one.

Is it possible for a product to be too clever for its own good? Or if not a product, certainly the company behind said product. I fear that's the case with the VërSpanken, a product that claims to be a “New Kind of Home Entertainment System for Men.” So…I immediately wonder if anyone else goes down the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) mind-road (not to be confused with Kingsroad, which is another thing…in another realm) when they see that, and start referring to the VerSpanken as a HES in their mind, ‘cuz that's what I do. So, disregarding the too clever by half name (VërSpanken…complete with umlaut), and the fact that Big Teaze Toys has trademarked that name and the above quote re: HES, the VerSpanken “system” (what does it take to be called a system, really?) is actually rather interesting.

The VerSpanken is a black, snap-closed, clam shell that has two attached bladders (that Big Teaze would really like me to call FoamWieners and WaterWieners [and I assure you, these are also trademarked terms {parenthception™ happens}]) filled with foam. I guess. To me, the included FoamWieners felt like they were filled with air, but I could be wrong. So…as you can see in the diagram, the clamshell snaps shut and you slide your banana (erm, I've watched their video too many times) or stick figure penis in between the…ahem…Wieners™ and stroke.

VerSpanken Review

I'll admit, the first few attempts to use this thing ended with VerChafin™ . But this is not VerSpanken's fault. It's mine. I was a fool to use too little lube. When the Wieners (sigh) were properly lubed, though, I slid between them quite easily. And then there was VerStrokin (Patent Pending). (Is it possible for a reviewer to be too clever for his own good? [Yes.])

Ok. So, anyone who's read about my adventures with the Fleshlight, or my review of the Tenga Flip Hole, will know that the bar is set very high for masturbation aids for myself. I've found that many feel good (some even feel really good) but after a while, they're simply bulky, awkward, and heavy, and my hand does very well all by its lonesome, thank you very much. How does the VerSpanken measure up on this barometer? Pretty well. Since you're sliding the Wieners along the length of your shaft, the sensation is different than with a stroker, or a…um…fuckable piece of cyberskin.

The size of the VerSpanken gives you a good amount of real-estate to hold onto, as well as a variety of ways to hold/stroke with it. (See the video at the end of this review for some amusing suggestions.) It strikes me that this could finally give people a better way to fuck their furniture. I'm not sure that was a goal for the product, for parent company Big Teaze Toys, or for the public at large. But a small and vocal minority will be partying in the streets tonight. Or, I suppose, staying at home and fucking their furniture.

The VerSpanken™ System™ (Hrm) allows for the Wieners to be swapped out, and they come in a variety of styles and textures. Both foam and water filled, with ridges and waves, and can be heated up or frozen. I'm not a big fan of temperature variance in my play time so this option was lost on me, but I can certainly see the value in some situations. (Perhaps a D/s scene where you alternate hot and cold?)

Male masturbators are often silly, bulky, weird, horrifying (Hannah Harper's Titty Fuck-Her), and rarely can they live up to the masturbator we were born with. Ole Lefty™. (Or, I suppose, Righty™, if you're into that sort of thing.) The VerSpanken Home Entertainment System for Men is a pretty well done effort on this front. And while I may think a lot about the marketing is silly, the folks at Big Teaze Toys have a good sense of humor about their products. If you're a guy who has never experienced a product that one-upped your own product, then VerSpanken won't blow your mind. But if you've enjoyed the occasional dalliance with a Fleshlight, give this a try…certainly easier to clean.


About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.

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