Where Are You Staying?


So, I made the mistake of announcing on Facebook that we'd booked our flights to Cancun for next February.  (Join Marilyn and I in Desire with the Sex is Fun Group!) And, so quickly that I'm shocked I didn't realize that this might happen, I got several “where are you staying?”s from friends, family, my father.  Hmmm.  My parents are big believers in vacation, and have been to pretty much ever major resort area in this hemisphere (and many in Europe as well) so the question was not only not a surprise, it was a forehead slapping sonuvabitch!

So, to say we're going to Desire.  Well, Desire's website shows, if not that it's the much ballyhooed “Sandals for swingers” that it's at least an “adult” resort with plenty of nudity, and implies the rest. So I certainly couldn't just say we were going there without a follow up questioning after my parents had perused the website of our accommodations.  And then there'd likely follow a discussion. The kind of discussion we are certainly not ready to be having with our parents.  (The kind of discussion that leads to, say, pseudonyms on websites.)

So I ignored the questioning, changed my Facebook status, and hoped it'd just sort of go away.

It didn't. At dinner with my parents it came up again.  So, in a moment of madness slash brilliance, I announced we're staying with friends at their timeshare. Its funny, because we do have lifestyle friends with a timeshare in Cancun.  How unnecessarily truthful did this lie become? Well, even mentioning their names. But I didn't have answers to “Which resort is it at?”  “Is it in Cancun itself or on the outskirts?” “Is it on the beach?”

I guessed and bluffed my way through these, ultimately coming down on the side of “I didn't ask, we just wanted to get away.”  Then my parents regailed us with stories of their trips to Cancun, seeing the Chichen Itza, snorkeling. I didn't have the heart to tell them that, while I'd love to climb the ruins, and snorkle, this trip was about being naked in the sun with sex positive folks. And hopefully some sex. Well, lots of sex. All that sex that we DIDN'T have on the beach at Sandals in Jamaica because we were still a month and a half from being sexually liberated swingers and the conversation had not yet been had!

Deep breath.

I mean, I figure there's always time to ACTUALLY join our friends at their time share in Cancun and visit the Chichen Itza.

Marilyn and I locked eyes and she winked at me as my father tried to recall the all inclusive resort they snorkled near but weren't allowed on the grounds of which may or may not have been The Playboy Club. (It was actually Club Med according to a later text from my father. Yes, my father texts.) Then followed a lengthy discussion of whether or not Playboy had all inclusive resorts. (They didn't.) And about the Playboy Club in Chicago, and how my parents apparently visited there occasionally before it closed.

It was certainly the longest conversation I've ever had with my parents that included the brand Playboy and wasn't about something being found in my bedroom. Though, those conversations were usually short and to the point.

But, more on point, it made me wonder if I shouldn't have mentioned Cancun at all. Or if I should've specified a resort that we might be staying at. Or if I should've just let my balls hang out there and say Desire and see where that lead. (likely a “why would you go there?” from my mother)  I mean, I wouldn't say that it's swinger related, or out us, just that it's an adult resort, and people go to adult resorts.

I dunno.

What do you guys think? Where do you say you're going when you're heading on a hedonistic journey? Do you tell family? Friends? Or do you have the good sense to just keep your mouth shut…


About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.


  1. I think how you handled it was fine. No one needs to know your plans, but you and your significant other. You never know what debate or drama might start by going into details.

  2. You may run into your parents at Desire or Hedo. What a hoot that would be! Then wat would you say? Would your face or theirs be the redest?

  3. this is the knife edge where we live. How MUCH do our loved ones need to know? Or….how much honesty do they need? Sometimes I'm in the camp of "there are things about my life I don't have to share with parents"….and sometimes (more and more as I get older) where I'm thinking "I'm an adult, why shouldn't I be totally honest with my parents?".

    And…..Kimmy's right. THEY may be in exactly the same boat on their side. Maybe they've already BEEN to Desire and were feeling YOU out about your comfort level with that line of conversation.

    Why in the world IS it such an odd thought to imagine our parents as lusty sexual beings in their own right? And why does that seem to be a (mostly) American trait?

  4. this is the knife edge where we live. How MUCH do our loved ones need to know? Or….how much honesty do they need? Sometimes I'm in the camp of "there are things about my life I don't have to share with parents"….and sometimes (more and more as I get older) where I'm thinking "I'm an adult, why shouldn't I be totally honest with my parents?".

  5. Having never been on a hedonistic journey before, I can only speculate based on superficially similar events that have happened in my life. Let’s say that Dawn and I were to plan on going to Desire. Naturally, we’d want to let people know that we’re going on a vacation for a week and not disappearing off the face of the planet. This would lead to, perhaps, the following dialog (family or coworkers, it wouldn’t matter; everyone likes to know where we go on vacation):

    “Oh! Where are you going?”

    “Umm… Cancún. We thought we’d try something… a bit different this time.”

    “That’s great! Have you figured out where you’ll be staying?”

    “Oh, of course. It’s going to be lots of fun.”

    “Where’s that?”

    At this point I face the same question that you faced, Cooper. I have a nice little flowchart drawn up of how the conversation could progress from that point. My first response in this situation would be to ask, “are you SURE you want to know?” in that special voice of mine that lets people know they’re about to find out way more about me than they bargained for.

    The point of this question is to place the ball firmly in their court. They get to decide if they are comfortable knowing something very interesting about me. If they pursue the question, I can tell them the name of the resort. If they know it, that’s cool. If they don’t know about it but really don’t feel comfortable with even the name, they can stop the conversation there (and perhaps look it up later—that makes for a great discussion when you get back). If they want to know more about it, I can give them the brochure spiel: all-inclusive, adults-only, couples only, clothing optional lifestyle resort.

    Depending on who the person is, he or she might not even bat an eyelash over the term “lifestyle” since those who are not in it are not always familiar with its significance. The clothing optional part is likely to throw almost anyone who knows Dawn and I, and perhaps halt further discussion outright. If the questioner is curious, or catches the reference to “the lifestyle”, a more interesting conversation may ensue.

    I’m more than willing to field questions from people who are genuinely interested (if we can’t educate people about non-vanilla thinking, what can we do?), but I want to give them plenty of opportunity to back out if they realize they’ve dug themselves too deep for their own comfort. Nothing pisses off someone quite like feeling they’ve been thrown in the deep end of the pool without consent. If they do end up there and feel upset about it, I want them to be kicking themselves for being too curious rather than kicking me for being too forward.

    So yeah… all hypothetical, of course. I do like to think things through. This was an excellent thought experiment.

    • My guy and I grew up with old hippies as parents. Hid dad fathered two kids with my mother and my dad fathered two with his mom. Our dad's have older kids by previous relationships and subsequent relationships We grew up with our parents screwing around. So we started screwing early with the knowledge of our parents. And after two kids we started dropping the kids off so that we could swing in our early thirties.. We have gone to the clubs with our parents. No incest!

      Our daughters are now 20 and 21 and started screwing at 15. Oldest wants to go to a swing club with her guy and us. No incest will occur!

      With friends you have to be more careful.

  6. We have been to most of the swinger lifestyle resorts. We tell our frinds and children that we are booked on an Apple vacation whrere we do not find out where we are going to stay until we get there. We want to have fun vacationing with other lifestyle couples where we can swap mates for social as well as sexual intercourse with someone’s wife/girlfriend/husband. We have no regrets having had had a great time and lots of great sex with many sex partners. That is a white lie that hurts no one.


  7. You made me laugh Cooper! that was funny, thank you!
    I would certainly lie. I want to look forward to my holiday, and relax, and explaining everything about these sort of resorts and the undoubtly effect it will have is not worthy for me, it will stress me out.
     I can live with while lies!

  8. We say we are staying at the resort next door. I believe it’s called Azul. Lots of people we talked to said they told family they were staying there also. There is also a family friendly number to Desire that they will give you if you ask. They answer with “Original Resorts” . 

Leave A Reply