Just an hour or so ago I was in the car with my Mum and my brother. My brother got a call from his girlfriend and after a few minutes conversation he put the phone down, sighed dramatically, and asked, somewhat jokingly, “What do women want?” Don’t worry; I’m not about to suggest that I have an answer for this. I have no idea what any one person wants, let alone a group that encompasses almost half the world’s population.
Nevertheless, it did make me stop and think about what I want; about the things I daydream as concerns my partners. And in the end, it seems to come down to two separate truths: one) I have a very strong, clear picture of my ideal situation, and two) every single person I’ve ever been involved with has made me want something different.
As concerns my strong, clear picture, well (and excuse the profuse blushing as I write this), in an ideal world, I would have my own apartment, my own space, my job, my studies, my money, my independence. This part comes from living with family, and desperately needing something – okay, many things – I can call my own. But along with it goes a deep desire for a primary partner who lives close enough that we can spend nights and weekends together, as well as an arrangement that affords me the chance to enjoy my other, casual, friendship-based dalliances from time to time.
As concerns the things my partners make me want? Well… there was the high school boyfriend who just made me want to fuck in every possible location; there was the Canadian who had me dreaming of kids and a home to keep; and now there’s Daddy who makes me want to curl up and exist, happily, at his feet but also makes me want to run away with him to Venice. And between these three there have been plenty of other variations.
Now that I’m non-monogamous, this variety of desires is likely to be diverse and complex at times, and you might think that would be hard to reconcile, but I have to say, single-mindedly pursuing the desires different people have inspired in me has never ended well. And neither has holding too firmly to my own ideal.
Of late I have been doing something slightly different, and given my general happiness these days I’d say it’s going pretty well! So let me enlighten you, because I am sure you are all dying to know how I’ve resolved this non-issue: I am pursuing the space and independence I need, whilst being open to the many, equally-wonderful possibilities my partners offer me.
If I am in the right place at the right time, with the right person, maybe I will have children; if I’m with a man who wants to get married enough that it makes me want to marry him, maybe I’ll be inviting various sex writers to my wedding; if I fall in love with two wonderful bisexual men at once, maybe I’ll be in a decadent, kinky triad. But for now, I want my independence and I’m open to possibilities.
And… I don’t know about you, but I’m sure glad I made it to six hundred words. Phew!
