Not so long ago IRL, but at the very beginning of Life on the Swingset, I happily accepted then the strangest toy I've ever interacted with outside a toy store. (Like the coy nature of that sentence?) Hannah Harper's Titty-Fuck-Her was literally a set of 2/3rd scale tits with a pussy in the center. And that's it. This toy was bad for so many reasons, notably its bulky awkwardness, and serial killer creepiness.
All that is prelude, though, because I was notified that something called the Perfect Woman was available for review, and being a man of curiosity, (and a man of science) I quickly said yes after a glance at the thumbnail photos suggested this was a simple stroker, albiet a stroker with more “body.” I also simply assumed this was something that Sasha had once received, about the size of her forearm, looking like the headless and limbless Venus de Milo.
When I picked up the box, though, the sheer size and weight said I was in for something altogether different. I opened the box and gazed upon the plastic shell covered torso that was perhaps 4/5th scale. Perky tits, skinny waist, hairless mons pubis leading to the pussy, and an anus with more texture around it than the standard hole these companies usually put forward as a “realistic ass.” I gaped at it for a moment, staring into a cardboard box at what very much looked like a woman with some assembly required. Perhaps they shipped her arms, and legs, and head in another box… I thought, trying desperately to push Detective Mills screaming “What's in the box?!” from my head.
This torso, the Perfect Woman, is exceedingly well made. The outer layer of the skin gives in a very realistic fashion with more solid insides. The tits feel more real than some of the decidedly “real” fake tits I've felt. The interior of the vaginal canal is ribbed for someone's pleasure. I ponder, as I finger this cold slab of CyberSkin, if people who read the word “realistic” and then get a factory ribbed product, often with a vibrating egg (packed along in the box with the Perfect Woman) actually believe that women feel this way. Though I find that makes me unfairly stereotype the given user-base for this product. And after all, that bottle of lube on my nightstand isn't going to use itself on my new friend…
Included in the box, beside the vibrating egg are what look like two very long bullet vibrators. These aren't what they seem. Instead, these are warmers, and plug into the wall with an included adapter. The box promises that in ten minutes, with wires and heated dildos sticking out of her two orifices, she'll feel like a real girl. (Not a RealDoll, unfortunately, sigh…one day I'll do THAT for science) Maybe it's my darker than usual demeanor, or perhaps my elevated awareness of serial killers and knowledge of a certain Joe Mengele, but this whole thing really is flipping the creepy switches before the sexy switches.
But I am a consummate professional, you see. And my readers want to know…is this the Perfect Woman? Well, most pressing on my mind, was the question of how easily could this product be used. Ok, enough with the fancy pants avoidance language, right? How easily might one, were one so inclined, fuck this toy? Ahem, “erotic plaything.” In the light of the frustrating experience trying to fuck the five pound slab of CyberSkin meat that is Hannah Harper's Titty-Fuck-Her, I was skeptical. I was pleased to find, though, that the Perfect Woman really stays wherever you put her. (I put her on the bed. [And is it weird that I'm just as creeped out calling it her as I am calling it it?])
The interior of this toy is of akin to the Fleshlight toy line. Smooth, soft, textured in a good way, but not overwhelming. Once on a flat surface, one can do as we do. Pretty much climb on up and do our thing. Feel good? Physically, yes. Emotionally…the jury is still out. Because after the release, you look down, and there's just this headless, limbless “erotic plaything” beneath you that you now have to cart off to the bathroom and figure out how to rinse out. (Let's not have the “removable vagina” debate here. That's for after school. And Archer I suppose.)
Overall experience. Good, but empty. And as a man who thoroughly enjoys his masturbation, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that ain't no ringin' endorsement. That said, this is a quality product, and the company that produced it clearly did a good job with that. I'd like it to be easier to clean, namely because I don't want to bring it all the way down to the kitchen and shove the rinse hose in. (As you do.) I also discovered to my horror that friction caused some static buildup, which, very quickly collected anything and everything in its vicinity.
Is it the Perfect Woman? (You ask.) Well, of course not. Is it the perfect “erotic plaything?” Not even close. Is it a good if severely flawed product. Sure. I'll give that. If you don't immediately go down Serial Killer Alley the way I so often tend to wander (and I call Serial Killer Alley for my bluegrass band name) you may enjoy yourself with this product.
But.
Oh yes, it's a biggun.
BUT!
(That's better.)
This Perfect Woman is really fucking expensive. Like seriously. Just having her (it, whatever) move into my house took away the title of most expensive toy I own from the (far more worthy) nJoy Eleven. See, even on Amazon, The Perfect Woman is selling for more than the Eleven. (Which, as most of you know, I feel IS actually the Perfect Erotic Plaything.) Bottom line, with a list price of $550, I would suggest you instead buy the nJoy Eleven, then invest in whatever self improvement and growth it might take to save you from the slightly humiliating act of having to fuck a fake torso in your bed. Oh, then go meet someone you can introduce to the perfection of the Eleven, which I truly cannot talk about enough. (Even in reviews that aren't for it. Hrm.)
Full Disclosure: We did not purchase this product, it was sent to us specifically for review. Our policy is to, regardless of how we acquired a product, review it fairly and openly. No writer for Life On The Swingset will ever deliberately mislead our readers into believing that a product is good because of anything we received from the company. We are open and honest, and cannot be bought or bribed. If we love a product, we'll tell you, if we don't, BELIEVE us, we'll tell you that too. End disclaimer.
