Going Solo: Part 2


Going Solo: Part 2Trying to swing as a married single male, may be one of the most difficult, most non-intuitive, most un-meish things I have ever attempted. I have not been a sociable person by nature. I have been much more likely to watch from afar rather than engage conversation up close. In most social situations I would simply defer to my love, who would smooth the path for me, and she would give me more confidence just by being near. Now I am required to work psychological and social muscles long since atrophied, and try and project a confidence that I do not feel. I sometimes fail.

I order a club soda and lemon at the bar and look over the room. Which one might want to sleep with me? Someone?  Anyone? Is it possible I can be the only person in the room who can’t have sex at a swinger’s club? How could I possibly live that down? I silently brood, trying not to frown, working on not being the creepy guy, and again failing.

I lovely young couple in a tux and what looks like a wedding dress starts making out in the open area near the bar. He exposes her breasts, and she is absolutely gorgeous, adorably young and sweet, how could I possibly get her to talk to me…

Action is beginning in the side rooms, most of them open, where I can view the other couples. It is a wonder to behold, and if you, like me, have never experienced lots of people making love…fucking at the same time… it’s enough to take my breath away. My consciousness bumps up to a higher level, as if intoxicated on the experience of being in the middle of all this… I amble from room to room, drinking in the sensations, again wondering, how do I cross this threshold?

Back to the bar, another club soda with lemon, another breath mint. A lovely raven haired stranger, thin as a rail with nipples like half dollars on her ribs, wearing only garters and stockings, walks up to me and whispers in my ear, “Would you like to fuck me?”

OMG! Thank you! Thank You! I scream in my head. I manage to croak “I would love to”, and she leads me by the hand to one of the rooms. She asks if I want the door closed. In for a penny, I reason, in for a pound. “It can stay open” I tell her and we begin to kiss. It has been 25 years since I made out with anyone other than my love, and I wonder if I am mediocre at it. She asks me if this is my first time; I can only answer in one word… “Yes…” I am a virgin again, alone and inexperienced, trying to be brave. She strips me and I can see a crowd gathering at the door, watching my deflowering. She takes me into her mouth and I begin to melt. I run my hands over her skin, which is incredibly soft, caressing the small of her back and her buttock. The lovely stranger tells me her first name and asks if it is ok if she brings more guys into the room. “Ok with me.” My conversation is absolutely scintillating, but in truth, I am barely able to speak at all. While she goes down on each of us in turn, she whispers again in my ear, “Put on a condom and fuck me!” I fumble for a condom and can barely remember how to put it on. Ok, I will admit it’s been a while. I can feel the bones in her pelvis when I mount her, but before this turns into Penthouse Letters (too late!) a little voice goes off in my head. You have done it! You are here, naked in semi-public, inside another woman and having group sex with her. The magnitude of my bucket list items falling away in that moment, sounded with a thud in my soul. I lost my erection it was so stunning.

I muddle about a bit trying to get hard again, and then instead go down on her while she finishes the other partners.  She later tells me not to worry and it’s common the first time. She is very kind, and I am grateful to her for making my experience wonderful. If this were Penthouse Letters I would end it here as Mr. TS from Boise, IA. But I am incapable of always knowing when I am happy and experience doesn’t end as nicely as fiction. (I also don’t live in Boise)

I watch some more as it gets later, still high from my ordeal (I have to choose better words, it makes it sound like a toothache). I ogle a few more couples in the rooms, all with ropes across the doorways, barring additional partners. One woman is going down on her partner in an area with lots of futons and mattresses designed for orgies. There seems no barrier for further play here. I call over one of the staff (the same one I gave both my names to…sigh) and ask what protocol is. She replies just go over and ask. (That seems simple enough). I slink over to them then ask in what had to be my creepiest voice possible “Would you like another?”

For all of you who can see this train wreck approaching, in my defense I had not even learned of Life on the Swingset yet, hadn’t heard of Cooper or Ginger or Technogeisha or even spoken at length to any live swingers. I had just read a few ill-informed internet sites about what to do and not to do, though they all mentioned no means no.

To this day, I cannot recollect what the man said. I thought he said yes, I am sure he said yes. I KNOW he said yes…except he didn’t. I strip again and place my hand on his partner’s lovely buttock…

“Who has their hand on my ass??!!!!”…..

(Long pause)

“Dude, we just play with people we know, ok?”


I dress again, feeling all eyes on me, my nudity, not shaming me nearly as much as my social faux pas. I really don’t know what the hell I am doing. When the girl from staff asks what happened I mumble “It was a miscommunication, my fault.”

I leave soon afterward.

Obviously more experienced swingers can analyze what went wrong and where like watching Wile E Coyote drop an anvil. I almost gave up in that instant, that pause of zero-g before the long predetermined drop to the bottom of the desert. I didn’t, possibly because the evening really was going very well up to that point. But victory can turn to ashes really quickly. You can also go from a nice guy to a dick in just as much time. I became the reason single guys are not wanted in swinging. I will need to work all the harder to change.

There is an old story in archery. A young student kept missing his mark while his master watches him. Again and again he shoots but he cannot seem to hit his target. Finally the master speaks, “You fail, because you are focused entirely on the target. You are not paying attention to what you are doing.” Wise words, may we all pay attention to what we are doing in swinging as well as our vanilla life. Thus ends my first attempt going solo.


The Salmon is exploring swinging and poly as a married single. Married for over 20 years, he and his love explore non-monogamy together and in different ways.


  1. Salmon: Great narrative! I met a couple the first time we went to a club and the only reason they came was that it was an attempt to try to force the husband to be more gregarious. An interesting experiment.


  2. CompersionJunkie on

    Well Salmon, you were luckier than me and I believe my faux pas was more faux than pas. I was once at a club solo that my sweetie and I had visited several times. I was trying not to be the creep, and was apparently successful – for MOST of the evening.

    Making my way through a wide open play area with a walkway down the center of lots of sofas, I saw a couple that I recognized, was attracted to, but had not chatted with, earlier in the evening. Things were just getting going between them, they seemed nice enough, so I walked up to them – still fully dressed, mind you and not drooling or swinging my dick around – and touched one of them on the arm to get their attention. The woman looked up at me, shook her head no, I smiled, nodded my head in thanks, and was on my way. About 5 minutes later, a bouncer grabbed me by the shoulder and said “if you don’t stop harassing other guests, you’re getting banned from the club!” I asked if he was sure I was the one at which this admonition was truly directed and he assured me I was (Actually, the conversation went: “Are you sure you’re calling out the right guy?” to which he responded “yeah, you’re the asshole harassin’ all of the women”). He refused to tell me what I did to whom to deserve the ultimatum. Obviously it was the event 5 minutes before, but I hardly considered that harassment. Wow, guess I must recalibrate my ‘what it takes to be a creep-o-meter’.
    An hour later, following a number of dances with some sexy ladies and a few nice conversations with same, I wandered past the bar and noticed a couple that I had chatted with earlier. We were all pretty cramped together at the crowded bar. While chatting with the lady half of the couple as the male half chatted with his buddies, she and I shared a couple hand touches to each others shoulders. Suddenly, male half swings around and tells me to stop feeling up his wife because she doesn’t like that. Whoa! What? Man, my creep-o-meter must really be out of calibration – or he was just a dick (actually probably a drunk one at that).
    After this close encounter, I thought it best to just get the heck out of Dodge.

    I never went back and Dodge closed 2 months later. I showed them! Or maybe I wasn’t the only one that was having little success reading their creep-o-meters at that club.

    I am quite confident that I was respectful in both instances. There’s no way I could imagine giving someone a high creep-o-meter reading for either, but it sure sensitized me the the hazard.


  3. Wow! That’s quite a story, judging from what you have written, I would consider all of the encounters well within bounds. You sounded reasonable and respectful. If I were in a similar position as the husband in question, I would have no problems with your action, as long as my love was into it. From your description it sounds like he was the one with the problem, or maybe he was interpreting real or imagined signals from the wife in an aggressive manner. So far, most of the miscommunications are ones where I have been the one in the wrong, the good news is I am now able to accept responsibility for those actions, and apologies when appropriate. During this particular incident I will admit to being out of my league and out of my headspace. Thank god I discovered swingset, and in particular the episodes on confidence and creepiness. It really helped to frame the scene from the female perspective (thank you Shira, Ginger, and Miko!) Yes I may be here to have sex, but no I may not be here to have sex with you. I needed demonstration that I need to bring my best A game to the table, that sounds bad, let me try again. I need to demonstrate a thoughtful intelligent person worthy of love and or sex, and finding it in myself to be able to project it to others. Not easy, and still a work in progress. But I also hear similar concerns from experienced swingers. It’s funny how a vibe can work great one night, but or brains might not feel sexy, or confident on another, and you have to play it out real time. One of the most challenging things I have ever done, and one of the most rewarding.

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