Entering The Lifestyle: Profile Decisions aka What Is Your Sexuality?


Entering The Lifestyle: Profile Decisions aka What Is Your Sexuality?I have been married a long time. As in I have long since passed the anniversaries of wood, steel, and crystal and am now approaching the year for platinum. Mr. Scarlet will love that and I’d better tell him to start saving now. But I digress.

It did not take us too long (about half an evening at the swing club) before we discovered that there are several, for lack of a better word, matchmaking websites out there. So when we got home, I started setting up profiles. After trying to figure out a good name and a good memorable password, we got to preferences. Most of those are straight forward enough. Smoke? No. Drink? Yes. Weight? Approaching honesty here since people are eventually going to see me in all my glory, there is no point really in bs-ing this.

Sexuality? For Mr. Scarlet this was obvious. Straight, straight, straight but not narrow minded or homo-phobic, but straight.

For me? Hmmm. Well for a long time while being married, I would’ve put down asexual. My libido had disappeared and I pretty much had no interest in anyone. It had come back in the past year, fortunately but that is also a story for another day. Initially I put down straight. I’m straight, right? I mean I’ve never been with a girl. I’ve been with Mr. Scarlet for forever and when I first went to the club my intentions were to find new men to play with.


On the other hand….  I have always had some women that I am interested in. So straight is not really true. I mean I go to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival for crying out loud, a radical feminist multi-media extravaganza centered around Womyn’s (i.e. lesbian) music started by radical lesbian separatists nearly forty years ago and where the breakdown is 70%/25%/5% lesbian/bi/straight.

On the other hand…. I have no experience with a woman. So is bi, really true? Is sexuality defined by interest or experience?

On the other hand…. I have not previously considered options besides finding a new man to play with while Mr. Scarlet plays with a new girl. Hmmm, that might be fun.

On the other hand….  I have no interest in letting guys, including Mr. Scarlet, watch my novice pussy eating if it were ever to get to that point. That would mean completely renegotiating our current rules.

On the other hand…. Why do all of these profiles say the woman is bi? I mean, ok, philosophically I think that to some degree all women are bi, and probably most men if they’d admit it. I mean, I’ve read “What Women Want” and I believe in the Kinsey Scale where I’m probably a 2.

On the other hand…. What will the women interpret if I say, I’m bi? Will they automatically think that I want to play with them? Will straight women not be interested in us then? Will the other guys expect a show? This is all so freaking complicated. And WTF is Bi-curious or Bi-comfortable? I thought the continuum was straight-bi-lesbian.

So after much internal debating. I go with the bi-curious and bi-comfortable options. Which isn’t really true but seems the path of least commitment. It’s easier to stay a fence sitter at this point.

Later I start reading some swinger discussion forums. There were opinions that bi-curious mean that the husband wished the woman was bi, that it really means bi-selfish in that the woman receives but doesn’t give oral sex, or that it is soft-bi meaning anything but oral/strap-ons is ok.

Maybe you just can’t win. Or maybe, I’m just over thinking this.


Ms. Scarlet is a newbie non-monogamist. She lives in a really Red part of fly over country, hence the name Ms. Scarlet. She likes contact sports, massages, rum, fast cars, ice cream, and good oral sex - not necessarily in that order. You can find her discussing the latest sex news and other things on Twitter as @MsScarletBlogs


  1. Hi Ms. Scarlet,

    #1 thanks for writing your blog. I think many people will find it useful. Thanks for putting it out there for public consumption

    #2 your over thinking your sexuality. Do what you want to do. Do what your comfortable doing. Stop worrying about the label.

    Just my two cents

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