I didn’t obsess nearly as much ahead of time. I was clean, well groomed, and yes balls freshly shaven (once you start down the dark path forever will it dominate your destiny). My mind was almost at peace, I knew more or less how things might progress, just remember your lessons. Compliments, pay attention to names (only first ones); ask before doing anything and above all no expectations! I was swinging solo again, for the first time since the last Insatiable. Ropes had attended with me on all my adventures since then, but this time I wanted to see how I would do alone.
I greeted the staff at the door, and headed to the bar for my patented club soda. I had now been sober for about 100 days (and swinging for only a little longer) but my god I wanted a drink! The anxiety was not quite as bad as my first night, but I recognized it for what it was, and tried to let it pass over me and through me (the litany against fear can be effective). I saw a couple I had not seen before and the poor woman had a deer in headlights look about her. I introduced myself and tried to be friendly without being creepy. I asked them about their experience and it was her first visit to any kind of swinger club. I recounted about my first few nights and she should relax and try to enjoy herself. She seemed relieved when I didn’t try to jump her and I mentioned the club was safer than any other bar she might visit. We talked for about 10 minutes and having fulfilled my role as swinger diplomat, let them meet and greet some more. (Note: I am trying to do this whenever I see new people at the club. If nothing else it gives me practice greeting complete strangers)
I moved from the bar (refilled my soda) to the smoking section, talked with several regulars I hadn’t gotten to know, not really meshing for play later. Nobody jumped out as someone I wanted to be with as a lover (Really? It didn’t take you too long to get jaded Salmon) and that might be progress. I started single swinging ready to fuck anything that passed in front of me just for the experience; now I was calmer, playing the longer game, perhaps looking for more respect in my partners and in myself. A lovely young woman was dancing and stripping in the bar area, and I made a note to myself to try and talk to her when she wasn’t quite the center of attention. (She really was a remarkable dancer) I headed back to the orgy area and there, stripped bare and giving a blowjob to a lucky guy, was my lovely stranger from my first Going Solo. She reached out her hand to me, beckoning and giving consent. I joined them and she stripped me and once again a fairly large crowd gathered for the festivities. There were more than a dozen voyeurs lined up around us, the largest group I had ever tried to… err…perform before. Another single male joined us and then we were four. She traded back and forth on our cocks, and all three of us took turns caressing her and touching her everywhere. She had me put on a condom and fuck her again. I did the best I could, but could not maintain it for very long. I think it was due to all the attention. I am not sure if it is simply performance anxiety, but I cannot seem to maintain an erection when lots of people are watching. I never really expected this, as I had fantasized about swinging in a group environment for as long as I can remember. But every time I have an audience it doesn’t seem to happen. Perhaps I should try a more private setting and see if that helps. I’ll let you know. I recognized it for what it was, but tried not to beat myself up over it. My lovely stranger was still very kind and she moved on to playing with her husband. We spoke later and she told me again not to worry. She asked about my wedding ring and I told her a bit about my background and how I swing solo. She asked if my love would ever join me. She could not imagine swinging without her husband, sharing the adventures together. I felt a little lonely and sad right then and I told her that my love would not, could not join me on this, but we share other adventures together, more privately. I missed her terribly at that moment, pining perhaps for what I cannot have. At the same time, I also realized how impossibly difficult it must be to let me go on these adventures. Many of the people at the club, can trade partners with no worries, but I haven’t yet come across any married people who swing solo or even date solo. My love is an incredible woman, and I will try to continue to be worthy of her trust.
Later, after dressing, I started a conversation with a much younger couple at the bar. The young woman was absolutely stunning in a black corset, and I complemented her on her lacing. She and her husband and I talked for over an hour, right up to closing when the all the club lights came on. They were curious about poly, and I plugged Life on the Swingset as a resource and told them I write for the site. We made a great connection and she said they would be back at the next Insatiable; I am very much looking forward to seeing them again (I really have to remember to ask for an email address from these people I connect with). Whether or not this leads to any playtime is not really relevant, I have made new friends above and beyond play, and that, I think, is the most valuable lesson learned so far.
5 Comments
You’re cheating, I’d never let my husband do that!
I hear refrains like that rather often when I introduce myself to women at lifestyle events. Like you, my sweetie is less than enthusiastic about certain aspects of the lifestyle and gives me full autonomy to play as I desire.
We’ve been in the lifestyle almost two years and have finally settled into a style that sounds similar to yours. Being a Swingset devotee, I can’t believe that I’ve only now discovered your blog. Keep up the good work. I’ll definitely continue to read and hope to contribute where I can.
CJ
p.s. being a compersion junkie is a bummer when one has to swing alone most of the time.
Thank you for the feedback Comp, for me, one of the best part of discovering swingset, is knowing that I am not alone in compersion. It is real and many other people feel it, and now I know that it even has a name.
I have also been told that I am not really a swinger as I have no partner to swing from. That definition still doesn’t ring true to me, but it gives me pause sometimes before describing my self as a swinger. I am certainly more swing than poly, and more swing than bdsm, despite dipping my toe in a bit.
I welcome any comments you might have, as I am still discovering my way, and expect to be for at least another year or more. I don’t suppose it gets easier over time?
It’s interesting that you are re-thinking your swinger label. I’ve been mulling that over for about the same reason as you. Am I really a swinger if I’m now usually the only one playing? If my sweetie goes to some (now read: few) swinger events, what does that make me? Her? Us? I’m definitely more swing than poly; my sweetie might be more poly than swing. I’m a little bit bdsm sub, she’s a little bit dom. I’m a little bit country, she’s a little bit rock and roll. Oh, wait a minute, that last one was definitely not true! Maybe ethical non-monogamy needs a song.
Maybe this is a reason we need some new labels in ethical non-monogamy.
We went out for drinks with another lifestyle couple last night. They have been nudists and swingers for decades. While it was mostly a vanilla get acquainted date, the ladies did bring up play style. They both were obviously not the sluts that we guys were and had strong leanings toward long-term friends with benefits relationships. Individuals are just that. I wonder how “equal” most swing relationships are? Maybe this is just another aspect of non-monogamy that we should all embrace and savor. Vive la différence.
CJ
Comp, I have been reflecting a great deal about your post, and about labels in general as it applies to our lifestyle.
The labels we choose to describe ourselves are an attempt at a shared concept, indeed that is the purpose of language altogether. We use the labels as a shortcut, a hyperlink to a greater shared language so that the stranger you meet on a dates or a club, might be able to find common experience without immediately needing the entire story so far. The soft swing vs full swing is an example of this is who we are, this is what we are expecting. Cooper, Dylan and Ginger and Shira did some exploring on this idea in one of the podcasts. This is great when it works as designed. We can find out in a short time, using key phrases that are mostly accepted, are these people compatible to what I am looking for?
It doesn’t work so well, when we try to change the established definitions, or add a term or concept not generally used. This happened in language all the time, but in out world it changes the sexual environment when it does so. It unbalances the conversation by not accepting previously agreed terms. This is not to say the swinger lexicon is canon, never to be changed. But I think this is exactly what cooper ran into when he created Progressive Swinging. Again, we have a new word paired to a new concept, and there has been some resistance from the community on acceptance.
I would also like to point out that these are just words. The ideas that we attach to them are really the payload that words provide epistemological heavy lifting. I love ethically. I swing singly, I play openly. Three simple sentences trying to briefly and clearly assign some large concepts about who I am and what i do.
I love ethically: I love my spouse, she is my primary above all other things in play. By behaving ethically I inform her of my intensions to look to partners outside the marriage. This does not mean she gets the play by play after I return, but she knows where I am and what I am doing.
I swing singly: when I look outside of my marriage for safer playtime, I do so as just myself. Not as a married couple, not as a manufactured couple created from 2 singles, just me.
If your play group is no single males, I will go find something else. I feel I can be a swinger as a solo male. So though I don’t advertise it as much, I think I can overcome any bias.
I play openly. I play as me, married, but single, Open about who I am and what I
Ike. Open about things I like and dislike, open about my marriage and how we were ok with this. If that changes, I will let you know
But those three sentences address a spectrum of lifestyle. I welcome other peoples interpretation of what we are trying to do.