Not Quite Year In Review – Miscellaneous Things I’ve Learned in the Lifestyle


Not Quite Year In Review – Miscellaneous Things I’ve Learned in the LifestyleAfter three and a half months in the lifestyle, I have some random thoughts that are too short for their own independent blog posts. So since it is that time of year when people summarize the year or post the Top 10 whatever of the year, I thought I’d compile them together for a not quite year in review.

1)     Rules are going to get broken. Have rules anyway. We’re still working on this of course. One girl I know says that rules always get broken so they don’t have any beyond, “Don’t Ask, Do Tell.” I’m not up for that level of openness and I know Mr. Scarlet isn’t either so we are still trying things out. Sometimes the rules get broken and apologies and communication are needed to work through the mess. Sometimes the rules get followed and people end up unhappy so the rule gets adjusted. Sometimes you don’t think about the rules that you might want or need in advance and the decisions that happen still can lead to feelings getting hurt. Definitely a continuing project.

2)     Feelings make things complicated. Have feelings anyway. I know a lot of swingers do not want any feelings involved or they just want a fairly superficial level of friendship and they will break things off if feelings start to develop or arbitrarily restrict seeing people to a time period such as once every three months. While a good old fashioned romp in the hay can be fun, I definitely have a preference for some emotional involvement with my sex. This is despite knowing full well that things eventually won’t work out and we’re probably going to get hurt.

3)     Not telling people what you like opens you up to new experiences that you can then try with your partner. Telling people what you like can make the experience better. Play it by ear and do both.

4)     I need to practice remembering that sexy is about attitude not looks.

5)     Pole dancing is much, much harder than it looks.

6)     Bodies are like puzzle pieces. They are all a little different so you have to figure out how to fit together. Before entering the lifestyle, I had only had vaginal orgasms a handful of times in my life. I never really knew why they happened and generally just thought it was almost impossible to cum that way. I can now safely say that like realty, it is location, location, location. However, the location depends on the guy’s penis shape, size, and orientation, and I also believe his body’s overall height and thigh length. Maybe there are some other factors. Some people fit together better than others on this so no extraordinary measures are needed and regular missionary is perfect. Other people, such as with Mr. Scarlet require work and possibly some special furniture such as the Liberator Jaz to get in the right position. Better late than never to figure this out.

7)     Squirting is real. Always get a hotel room with two beds and reserve one just for sleeping unless you want to sleep on the floor. Or bring your own plastic sheets and request lots of extra towels immediately.

8)     Jealousy crops up in weird places. I was probably the most jealous our first night out when Mr. Scarlet was on the dance floor with two older women and kissing them both and I was drinking a beer with no one to talk to or paying any attention to me. The book Polyamory in the Twenty First Century by Deborah Anapol has a good section on the various actual feelings that can get classified as “jealousy” such as envy, insecurity, fear of abandonment, etc. It eventually dawned on me that I didn’t actually want him not to be kissing them but I needed to stop being a wallflower giving off on unfriendly vibes if I wanted someone to talk to. That evening eventually worked out for the best but other nights I’ve set off Mr. Scarlet’s jealousy buttons and we’ve ended up bailing on the event. I’m guessing this is probably a lifelong continuing project. I’m pretty sure if you ever think you have moved beyond experiencing jealousy that life will probably just smack you on the head with it.

If this was a late night show I’d stretch this out into a top ten list. Of course then there would be a few rather pathetic thoughts here at the end just trying to get two more items. Maybe next year I’ll have ten new things to share.



Ms. Scarlet is a newbie non-monogamist. She lives in a really Red part of fly over country, hence the name Ms. Scarlet. She likes contact sports, massages, rum, fast cars, ice cream, and good oral sex - not necessarily in that order. You can find her discussing the latest sex news and other things on Twitter as @MsScarletBlogs

1 Comment

  1. Great article! The part about pole dancing made me smile, never tried it, but always suspected it was a skilled position. I just learned about the squirting thing recently.
    The part about puzzle pieces, however, was my favorite. A great part of this lifestyle, is you learn that people are different…shapes, sizes, angles, personalities, and it is ok to not really know how this is going to work ahead of time. I call it playing jazz on others’ bodies.
    Good luck in the New Year, and I look forward to more of your writing.

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