Advice for Single Guys: Talk to Me, Not At Me


Advice for Single Guys: Talk to Me, Not At MeLast night, we took the Foxes to our favorite swing club. We gave them a brief tour and went over the more unique rules of this particular club. Mrs. Fox and I changed out of our street clothes and into some things a little more, ahem, appropriate.

We made some mixed drinks and then she and I got down on the club’s dance floor for a while. I can move pretty sexily on the dance floor if I do say so myself. I have a lot of sexy moves from years of Latin Dancing as well as from some recent forays into belly dancing and pole “fitness”.

At some point my spouse joined us and then started dancing just with Mrs. Fox. Mr. Fox somewhat reluctantly joined me since he was exhausted after a long day and is very self-conscious about dancing, especially when, as in this case, he is completely sober. Anyway, I decided to up my game as to me dancing is basically vertical foreplay. If done right, I turn myself on as well as the person I’m dancing with. And, I guess if you are a voyeur or otherwise visually stimulated then maybe I’ll turn you on as well.

After the DJ for some reason started a slow song which cleared out the dance floor, Mr. Fox and I decided to head over to our partners to see if they wanted to head up to a room. Since they were at the moment having a conversation with an older single guy, we decided to stand and chat off to the side rather than crash their potential party.

Another single guy comes up to us and starts talking to Mr. Fox. He tells him how sexy I am and how turned on he and his friends were watching me dance. He goes on to say that they were really disappointed when Mr. Fox came out on the dance floor to join me and how lucky he is to have a woman like me. Then he wanders off.

Initially I was pretty flattered. Like a lot of people I have self-esteem issues which are probably several topics for other days. So at first I was all, “People find me sexy! He found me sexy!”

Then I was like, “Wait a second. Why the hell did he just talk to Mr. Fox and not to me? WTF just happened? What was that about?”

It was pretty clear from the conversation that he thought Mr. Fox was my spouse or significant other and not just that night’s hook up. Which is true, but I’m not sure what the point of this conversation was at all. It is a swing club for crying out loud so that really should not have been an impediment. But he didn’t actually engage me in conversation. Is this a man thing that I have not come across before? Was this some sort of verbal punch in the shoulder to say “good catch, champ” to Mr. Fox? Or was this a rather incompetent single guy tactic?

Hint: if you want to get in my pants you have to have a conversation with me. Your best bet is one that is interesting, shows a sense of humor, shows some intelligence, and isn’t mindless small talk, yet doesn’t majorly offend me.

Second hint: talking to the man I’m with (whether it is my spouse or boyfriend or random other guy) as if I’m not there is a good way to offend me. It will put you on the Do Not Fuck List.

At least in the circles I have been exposed to, the women primarily run the show and make decisions. So don’t act like the guy in the couple is the one you need to sell and will decide to lend out us out like you’re borrowing their hedge trimmers. None of those in my life do that or even get to decide who I talk to. If you think that they do, or you think that they should, then I’m really glad that you showed that up front. It makes it a lot easier to come to the decision of “Sorry, not interested.”

(AFTERTHOUGHT: It is possible that this is an area where single guys can’t win. I am willing to entertain the idea that the expectation of some is that you do get permission. In which case, Single Guys, you are pretty well going to offend someone no matter what course you take.)


Ms. Scarlet is a newbie non-monogamist. She lives in a really Red part of fly over country, hence the name Ms. Scarlet. She likes contact sports, massages, rum, fast cars, ice cream, and good oral sex - not necessarily in that order. You can find her discussing the latest sex news and other things on Twitter as @MsScarletBlogs


  1. Ms. Scarlet,
    Love the article, but it does bring up a catch 22 for the single men (I’m one of them). I have heard contradictory advice from both men and women in the lifestyle regarding this problem. If you address the woman directly, you risk alienating the man. Sometimes, but not always, this can lead to a partner calling in a veto. If you address the man directly, there can be like you mentioned a false sense of patriarchy. This is complicated further by couples that are in bdsm circles where the dom is frequently presumed to give permission for the sub. Oh and by the way, it may not be immediately clear which one is which. Trying to negotiate interactions as a single male is like walking a minefield. When I am at my best (which is not as often as I would like) I try to involve both members of the couple, but this is not always easy. Honestly the only way I know how is to try and be friendly, and up front and not worry if I am about to blow it.

    I would ask that you give the guy a little bit of credit, he did come up to you and talk, rather than lurk in the corner staring. Also you mentioned he was there with his friends. It’s not clear if it is male or female friends, but there may be other social pressures at work.

    In any case, I would totally agree that you should have been brought into the dialogue. If you were the subject of conversation, it would have been polite to address you directly.

    Maybe we should collect the blogs together for an Emily Post of swinging. (Do not cum into the hot tub!)
    The Salmon

  2. We prefer the guy approach me, the gentleman, as a matter of respect. Then if you ‘pass the test’ we’ll both talk to him. I’ll sit back and let things develop. If my lady is into him I let them take the majority of the conversation. He had better not disrespect her and ask permission before he does anything other than the casual touching of her leg or it is game over. He should include me and also respect me in this situation as well. While he may want to play with her I’ll be there so it is a fine line to get to my lady. Arrogance will not even get you her name. There is a fine line between arrogance and confidence.

  3. Newfun4us81,
    I’m glad that works for you and your relationship. I generally only play with SM’s one on one when Mr. Scarlet has a unicorn or we are at a party or have otherwise agreed to a free for all. I do agree with your comment on arrogance getting you nowhere. So not sexy.

    Ms. Scarlet

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