Review: I Got A Robotic Blowjob from the Autoblow 2

A while back I reviewed the Realtouch, a masturbation machine, and was rather astonished to find it to be a pretty damned good product. Sure it was oversized, connected by large cables, heavy, and noisy, but it got me right to orgasm rather quickly and impressively. A device like this has the potential to be the (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original for penis havers. (I realize that the argument can certainly be made that the aforementioned Magic Wand is indeed also for penis havers, but I’m just gonna pass that discussion by.)

A recurring theme in my reviews tends to be the fact that, well, there’s very little a company can do to improve upon the sex toys we were born with: Righty, and Mr Leftorium. And that uphill struggle is what causes every “new and different” male masturbation product to be called a revolution, when in my estimation there are very few revolutionaries out there.

The Autoblow 2  doesn’t call itself a revolution, which is sadly enough for me to take notice these days. The Autoblow 2 calls it like it is: The crowd-funded blowjob robot everyone is talking about. Lulu Darling pointed out this quote to me when I mentioned to her that I received this device. She added a question mark to it. I responded: “Well, we ARE talking about it.”

The reason I brought up the Realtouch above is because of its fatal flaw. I was able to overlook so much of its design and aesthetic issues for the simple fact that it worked like GANGBUSTERS. What I wasn’t able to overlook was its lack of a manual mode, keeping me tethered to my computer and watching a series of bad 90s porn videos that sync’d with it.

The Autoblow 2 was so appealing right off the bat by being smaller, less encumbered by wires, and most blessedly, not requiring the crappy porn or specific rhythms. And, seriously, who doesn’t want to give the Blowjob Robot a try?

Okay, so a bunch of people don’t. But I do.

The Autoblow 2 is also notable for its well put together website and marketing strategy. While sex toys get more expensive, their marketing tends to get more abstract and glamour shotty (I’m looking at you LELO) whereas the Autoblow 2 knows EXACTLY what it is, and leans into the inherent silliness and humor of, well, a blowjob robot.

I received the regular size unit (It comes in large, small, and just right. I mean, regular.) and an extra sleeve. Right off, I liked that unlike the Fleshlight and most toys of its ilk, it’s not a long sleeve open at both ends. Instead it has a similar top (a simulacrum mouth) and a long soft closed tube below. This allows it to be easily turned inside out to be cleaned THOROUGHLY instead of just running water through it.

The “robot” itself is bigger than a Fleshlight. A chamber that definitely looks frightening inside sans mouth-tube-sleeve. But then the T–800 also looked quite frightening when its oh so comforting skin was removed to reveal the horrors of its robot skeleton. Inside the chamber, some springs, some beads-cum-rollers. Lots of empty space. On the bottom, an inset dial for speed. Also, a VERY (and happily) long power cable.

So, ENOUGH about the aesthetics, Cooper, the article is called “I Got A Robotic Blowjob” so tell us about it!

It works as advertised. The sleeve is very cyberskinny, so if you don’t like that sort of thing you won’t like this. I happen to like it, and as I don’t share my masturbation toys with partners the lack of full sterilization doesn’t much matter.

It took me a while to find the proper angle, as the squeeze and motion inside is sort of uniform all the way around. A while of rotating the device and trying different angles was necessary before I got it to hit that perfect frenulum spot that gets me somewhere. Playing with the speed dial was fun because I got to dial things in to exactly the level of…well…yanking I was interested in.

The Realtouch had a conveyor belt/friction method of getting me off, and it worked really well. This constant pulling motion (from a “robot”) worked, but felt a little less certain in what it was doing.

This is brute force masturbation, make no bones about it. The head of my penis felt a little (ahem) manhandled by the end of it, too. But it worked, and fairly quickly once I found the angle.

Having used many male masturbation products that ultimately left me stopping and taking myself to the finish line by hand, the very act of getting me there before I get bored is an accomplishment.

I don’t want to downplay it, though, this is almost a hands free blowjob/handjob device. Which I suppose is sort of the holy grail for male masturbation devices. I say almost because it’s difficult to use without holding it. Though I guess you could do the whole trapping it under a pillow while you lie on top thing. I didn’t do that. But I have experience with such things. I’m NOT being defensive.

It does a lot well, and is user controllable and user adjustable. Its price point is on the higher end, but the website comes with a 20% off coupon, so that brings it down to a more reasonable $120ish. Without a doubt Mr. Leftorium (I prefer him to Righty) will always be more affordable. But in an age where one might be tempted to spend $300 on a torso. Well, they should consider this instead. Mainly because it doesn’t look creepy in your apartment.

But, and let me be clear on this. It’s not a robot. It’s a machine. You’re not masturbating with the Autoblow 2, you’re actually fucking a machine. And that’s pretty cool when you think about it. Asimov would be impressed.