Day 33
I have not been emotionally ‘right’ for the past couple of days. Mrs. Duncan has been her usual superb self- full of empathy and support. I am glad to be getting ready to go to the appointment. Hopefully, the dermatologist will tell me my primary care doctor was wrong and it is persistant heatrashius caused by doing yard work on a Sunday preceding a full moon when it is exactly 86.2 degrees out. It is not at all contagious and will clear up in minutes if I just spread this magic cream on it. Perhaps, on the other hand, she will tell me it is incurable viral swinger playendius (Desire cancellous strain), is completely incurable and will eventually lead to terminal penis rot. Yes, it is a mess in my head right now.
I finally blurt out ‘You have no idea how damaged I feel!’ Mrs. Duncan hugs me and I leave for the doctor.
The dermatologist confirms the diagnosis, downplays the condition. She asks if I know how I got it. I mentioned that I know it is considered an STI in adults and Mrs. Duncan and I are both sexually active. She seems to miss the part about partners besides each other. When asking about sexual contact, she says it is best to avoid it while the spots remain, but since I am in a monogamous relationship and Mrs. Duncan has not developed any symptoms, it should not be an issue. I didn’t bother to correct her on the monogamous part. Until things clear up, we will be monogamous anyway. Note to self- drop toymaster Cooper an email looking for suggested replacements Mrs. Duncan and I can use while my Mr. Happy is off limits.
We then talk about treatments. I said I want to be very aggressive with it as we have a trip to an adult resort in early November. She assures me that we should be able to go on the trip without any issues. Everything will be clear by then for our romantic trip away. Another miss on the adult couples resort part, but I don’t really care. At least I don’t feel any judgment vibes. She then goes out to grab liquid nitrogen and begins to apply it with a supped up QTip to each spot. She also gives me a prescription for off label use of a topical anti-viral ointment.
I fill the prescription; pick up a wart freeze kit in case I spot any more spots before my follow up appointment in 3 weeks.
Off to work.
Got the email from the STI testing service. Everything is negative except HSV1 (mouth cold sores) which 80% of the population tests positive for. You test positive if you have ever been exposed, and I got a cold sore or two as a kid.
Later that night, I write a difficult email to one of the partners we had over the past few weeks filling them in on what I have and pointing them to some useful web sites (via SLS). I asked a mutual friend for the contact information for our friends at the house party. We never actually needed to get in contact with them outside of parties (known them for years, like them a lot, played a few times together, no idea what their last name or contact information is- flash back to ‘Shit Swingers Say’ on YouTube). I hope they don’t hate me too much. We really have no idea where I picked this up. We have only had soft swap experiences during the likely incubation period (a combination of a very busy vanilla calendar over the summer and some unfortunate circumstances with playmates).
Day 34
Logged on to SLS looking to see if I got any message back. The couple I emailed last night pulled their certification from our profile and removed ours from theirs. Hurt. Well, that’s a message, I guess.
Just before logging off a few minutes later I see an email pop up. They would like to chat and are looking for a good time. I will text them when I get home from work. Have to run and don’t want to try and write a response in a hurry or while feeling hurt.
Day 35
Chatted with that play partner from SLS. We discussed what I had, when I had it and how things progressed.
From what they saw online and our discussion, they would have chalked it up to poison ivy too.
They said is it an email nobody wants to get, but they appreciated our honesty. I said that it was not one anyone wants to send either.
They will keep us posted if anything changes. I did get the sense that they would not be inviting us out for drinks again anytime soon.
It wasn’t an awful conversation, so I guess there is that. No blame game or anything, just a businesslike assessment of things.
One conversation down, one to go.
Day 37
Noticed a couple of new bumps. Used the home wart freeze kit on them. Otherwise, some of the older ones seem to be clearing up.
Still nothing from our mutual friend on contact information for the other play partner. Not sure what to do otherwise. Would hate to have to wait until we see them again.
Tomorrow is our anniversary and we have a lot of conflicting emotions around it. Any contact w/my groin area is out. I have played a bit w/Mrs. Duncan, but neither of us have been feeling terribly sexual lately. It has been a crazy couple of weeks and with my diagnosis, we have just been ‘off’. It is kind of like getting some bad food. Your whole appetite is off for a while. Feeling non-sexual is an issue in and of itself. There is definitely a hole in our lives where our sex life used to be. Add on top of that personal feelings of shame around this and things are not great. We know we have acted in good faith the entire way, but still, we feel somehow ‘dirty’. What will other folks think? Will we be able to hang at the same parties and clubs? Etc, etc, etc…
On a positive note, Cooper suggested what looks to be a great toy and it should hopefully arrive this week. We are thinking about getting some nitrile gloves for Mrs. Duncan as well so she can at least touch me without fear.
Day 38
Nice anniversary dinner and we went back home to have some intimate fun time. Things were a bit awkward, but with the aid of some nitrile gloves, at least we could touch and play. That is something, anyway.
Day 41
The toy came in and I got to focus on Mrs. Duncan. Cooper for the win- great suggestion! We had a great night focusing on Mrs. Duncan until she collapsed all worn out. ‘Night sweetie.
Day 45
The homeopathic med I was using, on top of the prescription from the doctor, does not seem to be that effective, so I switched to another. It is a liquid that gets dabbed on to each bump. I also did a bit more freezing w/the over the counter wart freeze stuff. We shall see.
Day 50
Things actually seem to be clearing up. Perhaps the new med and freezing are taking effect.
Day 53
WTF… Not so fast. Seeing a bunch of new little bumps. I would freeze them, but I am seeing the doctor tomorrow, and I want her to see them. Could they be the irritation she said might come with the prescription cream she gave me?
Day 54
Saw the doctor. She is not all that impressed with the progress, but still tried to seem optimistic.
She did a bunch of freezing w/the liquid Nitrogen.
She is concerned that the Zymaderm and home burning may be damaging the surrounding skin. She also said to increase the use of the prescription cream to 4 then 5 days until it does show some irritation. It works by heightening the local response of one’s immune system.
I will hold off on the Zymaderm for a bit. I will continue to freeze, but will sharpen the end of the tip to insure that surrounding skin is not effected.
Really just starting to feel angry and frustrated and sad. I just want this gone. Over 3 weeks since I have been able to be naked w/Mrs. Duncan. Underwear and T-shirts to bed shouldn’t be necessary. I shouldn’t be afraid to touch her or hold her too close. I miss full body hugs and being intertwined all night.
Truth be told, at this point I was just sad about the lack of progress and stopped keeping the journal. In order to deal with the lack of intimacy, both Mrs. Duncan and I had unconsciously turned our sex drives off. Swing play and dates were out (we wouldn’t want to mislead anyone that the date might end in play). I was also feeling unworthy and dirty and would rather keep this off anyone else’s radar than have to explain it. To top it all off, Desire was a month away and I seriously doubted that this would be gone and cleared up by then. The freezing is leaving wounds that are healing, but the skin is pretty discolored. Sadness, just sadness.
This seems like another good breaking point. More in the last installment.
