Q&A – Soft Swap Oral Etiquette


Cooper here with a new category. With our Ask Us Anything page up above, we've been getting questions that aren't really appropriate for the Advice Column, so I thought I'd add a new category, just questions and answers from you, the reader. (If you have a question for us, you can use the form at the bottom of the page!)

Today's question comes from Kara:

I have a question about soft swap. I get that it is giving oral sex and not vaginal sex. The question I have is when I give the male oral sex, what is expected? I want him to have a good time, so I want to make sure I “carry through”. Should I let him ejaculate into my mouth then swallow? ejaculate in my mouth then quietly spit it out? Should I let him spray semen on my face? On my tits? I want to be a good partner, and would like to hear what the swinger girls and guys think should be the way I fulfill his soft swap pleasure. Thank you.

Thanks for your question, Kara.

First of all, soft swap often includes oral sex, but doesn't have to, so don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. That also answers more of the second part of the question, no mater what may or may not be “expected” don't feel pressure to do anything that you're not interested/willing/wanting to do. Before I even get into the “oral sex etiquette,” I want to talk a bit about communication, both with your partner, and with your playmates. You may be the kind of person who wants things to be spontaneous and fun, or you may be more like Marilyn and I, planners. When we meet a couple, we talk with them about what they like, and we've talked with each other about what we're comfortable with.

Your partner may not want you to be swallowing your playmate's cum, and there can be many reasons for this, two of which being maybe that's something you save for him, and STI's are more easily spread once the semen hits the inside of your mouth. This is a legitimate concern, and something to keep in mind when deciding how YOU want to proceed with this. As a male in the lifestyle, I can tell you I'm happy for the woman between my legs just to be there wanting me to cum. If she wants me to do it in her mouth, in her hands, on her tits, on her face, or quietly in the corner into a paper towel, God bless her for showing up.

So, Kara, own your desires! You're in control here. If you want to give your playmate the gift of oral, do it with gusto, and tell him to let you know when he's ready to cum, then you can tell him exactly where YOU want it. Once you get comfortable with him, and are confident that he can be trusted with you, you can have the conversation about where he may want to blow his load.

Just remember, when semen is out and about, it's still dangerous. Should be cleaned off promptly. Safer swinging is happy swinging.

I hope this answers your question, Kara!

If you have a question for us here on the Swingset, feel free to


About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.


  1. Thank you Cooper for such a speedy reply. We are just now thinking about "dipping our toes in". I must admit, it excites me to think of giving oral to another man, but I am hesitant about his semen in my mouth (unless, like you mention, there is a better level of trust in his "cleanness"). For me the ideal would be to suck him until just before he blows, then have him paint my tits. I would even smear it around on them if that would please him. I would want him to be happy with that. I guess maybe it still sounds a bit "one sided" to me, as I would want him to lick me through my orgasm and not stop at the critical moment for me. But that is what I feel safe with right now.

    • As a lifestyle man, and posessor of a cock, I can tell you without a doubt that if you were sucking my cock, and i told you I was about to cum, and you pulled me out, kept stroking me, and said "paint my tits," it'd be one of the hottest things ever! don't forget, you're still giving him an orgasm, just not in your mouth. That is perfectly acceptable, and not one sideded in the least. ESPECIALLY if that's what makes you feel safe

  2. Here is my thoughts….oral sex in swing like anything else has boundries set up by each couple, or single person…I know that when we play….”swallowing” is out of the question deal….we have had long term girlfriends, and even with them, we did not allow them to swallow. 
     Comfort is the key….if your comfortable with it, then go ahead..have fun with this lifestyle, enjoy all you can, but always remember your boundries, and make sure that all who you play with know them to.

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