Ask A Swinger – How To Begin

Ginger here, taking on a delicate inquiry about how to begin a dialog with a partner about open relationships.

Dave asks:

I'm happily married (for 16 years). My wife is great & I'm fortunate to have found her. However, I've begun to realize (over the past few/recent years) that I want experiences that I just don't think we can achieve on our own. Until recently I've always felt like I was kinda being “unfaithful”/unappreciative for even having such thoughts. I've obviously looked at swinging before; I mean who wouldn't want to more sex with more people?

Then I struck a cord within myself; I stumbled upon your podcast. I've listened to several of your podcasts so far and I feel like I've found “the meaning of life”. Well OK, maybe nothing quite that dramatic, but something kind of close … in a way. I hear you guys talk and it's almost like reincarnation/clairvoyance. While I'm not in the lifestyle, I seem to hold all the same ideas and principles that you guys talk about. It makes perfect sense.

Having said that, I don't think my wife thinks the same way I do. I don't look at it as “making love”. I don't really know what that is. I think if she knew how I felt, she would assume it's a ploy for me to get her approval to have affairs. During sex my #1 priority is to see that she enjoys herself long before I allow my self to completely “let go”. I would love for her to find additional pleasure, be it from either sex (she has said that she might be interested in another woman if she were the right one). I know that I have so much to give/spare and I truly believe that part of what I've been feeling a vacancy for is what can be found in a swinging relationship.

My question is (and I know you guys/gals aren't psychologist), “How do I seriously broach the subject and have her see where I coming from?” I don't want her to feel that I don't think she sexy enough or attractive enough or that I'm “bored”.

Thanks –
Dave

This question is a question I'm sure many partners have before embarking on the long journey of opening up their relationships. It is a rarity that both partners simultaneously look at one another and say, “Hey, isn't it time we start swinging?”

The most important aspect of beginning such a conversation is to start with the strongest relationship you can. Having a solid foundation of trust, respect and love makes direct communication about your relationship possible and functional. She should know and feel that you find her sexy and amazing and that indeed, as you said, “[she]is great and [you are]fortunate to have found her.”

The second aspect would be to make it clear through words and actions that your relationship is your highest priority and anything that may jeopardize it is discussed and dealt with in a way that works for you both. Both partners need to feel safe and comfortable before they can branch out and explore, whether that is a kinky new sexual act between the two of you or broadening your relationship to include others. Prof and I had an agreement that if we ever did anything that didn't work for us both, we would simply let that experience be water under the bridge and move on from that point with the newly negotiated rules. That is one of the keys to our successful open relationship.

Now each of the above aspects can happen without any discussion of opening your relationship. Introducing the subject is a more delicate step. My advice would be to begin the discussion about opening relationships in general by using websites and podcasts like our very own, “Swingset.” I also recommend The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. Both are excellent resources and should be assigned “Open Relationships 101” reading. Do be a savvy consumer about the resources you access and share with your partner. Some resources, especially some websites, can make even seasoned swinger blush.

I like to think of broaching the subject not as, “Hey, baby, let's go find a hot hook up,” but more as, “Hey, baby, let's throw the cultural pressures and expectations out the window and discuss and negotiate a fun, sexy relationship that works for us together.” Maybe the former doesn't seem as sexy as the latter, but it really is! It puts the two of you in control together. The two of you decide together what works for you. Compromise can be a challenge, but if you are communicating and negotiating in the best interest of your relationship, all the possibilities that can make it stronger are on the table. And, honestly, you only want to take things as far as feels hot and sexy for you both, not cross into making your partner feel uneasy or, worse, threatened.

This whole process will require your patience and understanding. It may be a long process with communication all along the way and you need to be okay with that. It also is a bit of a gamble as your partner may not have the same openness and non-monogamous orientation as you have. You need to be prepared for that response as well.

Hopefully with some resources on your side you are able to start a quality open dialog and lay the groundwork for excellent communication for a mutually satisfying negotiated relationship whatever that may look like for the two of you.

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