You’re Not An Ally, You’re An Asshole. Get Over It. (Updated, 01/2022)


Hey all, Dylan Thomas here from the future (January 2022):
I have both a lot to say, and a lot i'd like to leave unsaid, so i'll keep it very simple and say that this post of mine will stay up as a record of personal failures… and as evidence of real personal effort and growth.

I reached out to Billy Procida. We spoke at length and I offered, without condition, an opportunity for him to write something for an update to this post.

From Billy Procida, January 2022:

Six years later, I see these screenshots and think, “What the fuck was that?!” I was so angry and defensive and combative—and angry. Not only did I harass Lola, Ella, and Ashley, I also acted like an asshole to people who got involved to help me because they saw something in me worth helping. I burned a lot of bridges back then and was barred from crossing others in the years since. I've thought about these exchanges more days than I haven't.

I could not sincerely say, “I'm sorry,” to Ella, Lola, and Ashley (and others) because I didn't understand what I was even sorry for. Only last year after rereading Ella's blog post could I finally use the word ‘harassed' without a myriad of qualifiers and could empathize with how they may have felt. Once I realized I'm not a ‘Good Guy' (because no such thing exists), I didn't need to defend my good guy self-perception, and I could take ownership over my shitty behavior. I really wish I'd known that when I was 26. I could have been one less asshole on Twitter fucking up some peoples' days. These screenshots were not the last time I picked fights online.

All I can do now is try to do better today than yesterday and do better tomorrow than I did today. I think I'm getting the hang of it, and I'm still learning. Thank you Dylan for inviting me to add some words. And I'm sorry to those who tried to help who totally didn't need to. If you have me blocked because I needed to be ‘right' (whatever that means), that's my bad. And I'm sorry, most, to Ashley, Lola, and Ella. I didn't get it. I wish I had.

The original post, almost seven years old, follows below.










This motherfucker right here…

One measure of a person is how they respond to feedback, how they respond to criticism, and how, if they realize they could have done something better, they learn from it so they can -do- better next time. If you say a lot of shit and attempt to say “It's cool, i'm just an asshole” or “Hey I'm just a comedian and i'm making jokes” it doesn't exempt you from critics or criticism, and it doesn't mean you have a built-in get out of free jail card for when you're an asshole.

This dude's been arguing with several people after saying some problematic at best shit, then he's been attempting to take conversations private to have a more “personal” discussion. Then… THEN when someone speaks up in public, engages him on his turf, he can't fucking handle it.

Billy Procida, go be an asshole, be a comedian, but don't expect people in the world to respect you as a member of the sex positive community. You do what you need to do for attention, for your podcast, for your business, whatever it is, but don't start whining like a child when you aren't let into our spaces.

Facebook conversation reconstruction below:

NOTE: We learned that comments were being deleted to alter the conversation, luckily a few friends took screen captures. This is the best reconstruction of the full thread.


Futher social media conversation regarding reactions to Billy's Harassment:

Ashley Manta's Tumblr post on Billy Procida:

I think @Bex106 said it best… psa: calling out public displays of gross misogyny is a community service, NOT HARASSMENT

Dirty Lola's experience with Billy Procida:




As a co-host on Life on the Swingset and creator of The Gentleperverts' Social Club, Dylan Thomas speaks candidly about nonmonogamy, kink, and non-normative sexuality to eradicate the stigma and shame that keep people from expressing and being who they want. He brings awareness to issues involving gender identity, equal rights, and intersectionality by creating discussions with people who feel unaffected by them. He also creates learning opportunities for men to become stronger allies and better people. Find and feel free to engage him on Twitter.


  1. Thank you for this, Dylan. Billy doesn’t realize we have no problem with him being a comedian or a cis man—we have a problem with him being a jerk.

    And it looks like Billy deleted my comment where I informed him that I would consider any further contact from him to be harassment. Luckily for him I screenshotted it… as well as the messages HE CONTINUED TO SEND ME. You can see them here:

  2. Wow…thank you for standing up! I didn’t see what sparked all this, but based on the FB exchanges I’m not interested in getting to know that dude further.

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