Shenanniversary: Finding My Sexy Community


Flick & I recently celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and couldn’t think of a better way to fete the occasion than by throwing a play party. It was our first time hosting such an event, though we had some spillover experience from my birthday Ladybang though it was our girlfriend Iris who did the heavy lifting for that event. We invited five of our friends and partners and got set for some sexy anniversary shenanigans – a Shenanniversary, as you will.

I was incredibly nervous about the event since we hadn’t done one of these before and I wasn’t sure if everyone would have a good time. I agree in theory that it’s up to each person present to ensure they have the best experience they can, but as host, I’d hate that someone was miserable. Especially since everyone coming was a person I care about, I wouldn’t have been able to have a good time if I knew someone was truly unhappy.

Coming up to the event, life was super-chaotic and we didn’t have much spare time for planning, and in several ways, that was probably a good thing. I was forced to step back from some of my more obsessive planning patterns and fly by the seat of my pants. We did create a Facebook event page and thankfully Iris jumped in and started some of the elevator speech discussions, which got people talking about play styles and testing status and fantasies. There was still an abundance of condoms, gloves, dams etc. left over from the Ladybang so we were well set for safer sex supplies. We stocked up on snacks, beverages, and ensured we had the requisite cheese plate as a nod to Life on the Swingset’s very own Ginger Bentham.

We began the night with social time, drinks and food as people arrived and got the chance to meet people they didn’t know. We lined up all the toys on the mantle and enjoyed the colourful plethora of options on display. Since the giant rainbow Colours Pride dong kept launching itself off the mantle, we decreed it to be the talking dildo and passed it around as we began the more formal welcome circle. We discussed consent—including the right to withdraw consent at any time no matter what was happening at that time, a tour of the safer sex supplies on offer (gloves are a great tactile reminder of ‘this hand for me, this hand for you’), and a rundown of ‘mildest & wildest’ fantasies and ideas for the night. The mildest/wildest section was truly exciting because some surprising fantasies cropped up and often other people piped up to share that they were interested in that too. I don’t think anyone achieved their wildest fantasies that night but it generated some great discussions and got us all in a sexy headspace and connected to each other. And the seeds for some future shenanigan ideas were planted.

One of the best things we implemented was getting everyone asking for explicit consent, regardless of established connection or relationship. The primary intent was that that no-one felt like an awkward outsider while others were seamlessly finding their groove, but it had a super sexy secondary effect. We were constantly hearing sexy requests all around us, from people nearby as well as the partner(s) we were interacting with that moment. I’d definitely want that in place for any future events we attend or plan because it was an ongoing source of sexy energy.

Thankfully, once play started, there was a very natural division into twos and threes (which shifted delightfully as the night went on) and the two people who’d come without their own partners present hit it off in an extremely hot way and in no time there was were many sexy sighs and moans filling the room. I had the pleasure of introducing a new partner to squirting and the wonder in his eyes as his hand filled with my fluids was a highlight of an incredible night. [Note to self: tell future new partners in advance that my cry of ‘pull out pull out pull out!’ is not that they’re doing anything wrong, but because they’re doing everything right and it is an ecstatic cry because I’m coming and need to not be filled for that to happen.]

I looked up early in the proceedings to notice Flick wrapped in two gorgeous women and I felt such delight and love to see him in the happiest of his happy places. It felt so joyous that we’re in a place where we get to celebrate two fucking decades of love and partnership by feeling exceptional physical pleasure both together and with others, or as in this case, together but with others. I feel truly lucky to be where I am despite the occasional ‘what the hell are we doing’ feels. Moments like that sexy tableaus are the touchstones and answer that insecure question satisfactorily.

In the heat of the sexy moment, I got to get fucked by Iris in the sex swing, and I’m told the arc of squirt fluid cascading from a height was impressive to behold. I also finally got to try double harnessing it and solo spit roasted Dot as she rode a cock on my thigh harness while sucking the cock I was sporting in the more traditional harness. Hah, traditional. Iris then climbed on to ride me, all the while Bex and Nate writhed next to us. I came untouched from the hotness. So much hotness.

The ebbs and flows of a play party can be so fun, and as you take a break to rehydrate and fuel up, chatting casually with someone with whom you’d just been doing filthy things, or watched doing filthy things, and need to peek back into another room because of the amazing sounds emanating from within. Everyone had big smiles as we were drawn irresistibly back to the bedroom due to Bex’s delightfully noisy pleasure.

When everyone was thoroughly sated we moved back into the living room (and off the soaking wet Throes) to geek out about books, tv, comics, and the like, with regular flashbacks to the sexy shenanigans that had just taken place. ‘Remember when we rode that double ended dildo together?’ Entire room replies, ‘Mmmmm.’

It was perfection. It was my first flash of feeling so strongly part of a sexy community in my own city, and it felt so fucking good.

I experienced this kind of community for the first time last year at Swingset Takes Desire. These were my people! Why couldn’t I take them all home with me? Dylan Thomas spoke of building your own community during the Gentleperverts Social Club podcast while we were in Mexico, but that sounded intimidating. I had no idea where to begin. Everything was stupid.

I then spent half a year feeling rather frustrated that I hadn’t found such community locally, the knife twisting deeper every time I travelled to see long distance sexy friends in other cities, going to play parties with them, and seeing what they had. I spent the second half of this year stepping out of my comfort zone. We entered new spaces, met new people and we risked reached out to people we knew from other places in our lives, and sure enough, with time and repetition, there was a community of amazing, queer, sexy perverts all around us.

We built it, and hot damn, they came.


Kat (she/they) is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and they almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but they consider themselves non-monogamous and polyamorous, though they occasionally swing. She's also a podcaster - On The Wet Coast Podast - and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Their first book - Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut - is available on,, Inkterra, and Kobo.


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