Eleven Things I Learned at Swingset Takes Over Desire 2016


I'm back from an incredible week in paradise at Desire Resort & Spa Riviera Maya with Life On The Swingset* and although I'm deep in the drop that happens following an intense, transformative experience, I thought I'd share some thoughts on what I learned this year.

1) Reject The Tyranny of the Or

I don't have to be a top OR a bottom. I can be both. My main resistance to topping up to now has been a fear that if I did it, that's all I'd ever get to do going forward. After some great discussions with multiple Swingsetters and exploration through the week, I realized I can explore both and don't have to slot myself into a rigid role forever. I got to love the floggings I received but also love guiding a woman through her first anxious time with a woman wearing a strap-on (How about I fuck the nervous out of you?) and introducing another to the wonders of my dear friend the njoy Eleven.

2) Switch It Up

If both of you are Switches, you can switch mid-scene, which I did in incredibly hot encounter with Will. He beat my ass red with amazing recycled tire-rubber petal flogger until my legs couldn't hold me anymore. Then I topped him, using him as my toy to do with as I pleased, investigating every inch of his body with my hands, hair, skin, lips. Sending him into subspace while I investigated how different parts of his body reacted to different sensations that ran the range from delicate to edging on painful. I had no idea how much zing I'd get from the ‘Yes, Ma'am' he gave me as I walked out of the room to use the washroom, instructing him that I expected him to be on his back and ready for me when I returned, despite his shaky limbs.

3) It's NOT Lonely at the Top

I like Topping much more than I thought, which maybe should not be such a surprise to this control freak, but there it is. Much of what I like about bottoming is that I don't HAVE to be in control, it's nice to give that up, but I realized that I can be a top and have the bottom drive much of the scene. Topping is not just taking on a bunch of extra responsibility (other than consideration and care, which I do anyway with all my partners). I was also surprised when a sadistic side I didn't know popped out leading to me biting Wes hard in a tender area, and when he yelped and asked why I'd done it, I snarled, ‘Because I can and you like it!'  His groan was all the affirmation I needed of how right my instinct was.

4) It's All in My Mind

I can come copiously and repeatedly from visual stimulation, or tactile stimulation unrelated to my genitals. I didn't always have to be primed with having had prior orgasms, though if I was…*extra sploosh*.

Eleven times I came at Desire without genital stimulation (you may notice a common theme in this list).

  • Kissing Ophilia
  • Fingering Ophilia
  • Fucking people with my strap-on
  • Having someone else's juices sucked off my cock
  • Watching Flick suck Ophilia's cock in the hot tub
  • Watching GingerSnap peg Cooper
  • Watching GingerSnap fuck Ophilia
  • Watching Flick & Eliza fucking on the bed next to me
  • Having Flick come all over Eliza and me while Wes & Raina watched
  • Hearing Raina and Ophilia orgasm next to me on the bed
  • Having my ass beaten with a rubber flogger

5) Visualize Everyone Naked…Wait…They totally Are

I am capable of walking around the resort naked, even though I had regular moments of panic thinking, ‘Should I be doing this?' especially when I saw others wearing clothes. Last year I could only be naked once I was in a location but always put clothing on to walk around. Small victories.

6) Take Every Opportunity to Learn From Pros

Being flogged on a St Andrew's Cross by a virtuoso top is an extraordinary experience. I loved my public flogging and even though my eyes were closed, I got so much extra thrill knowing there was a person on other side of dual St Andrew's Cross having something similar done, hearing their breath catch and the smack of the flogger hitting their skin in harmony with the impacts on mine. When I had the inevitable endorphin-release laughing/crying jag, I wasn't even that embarrassed to be doing so publicly. It should be noted that JV is a virtuoso hugger as well as flogger.

7) I'm Not an Extravert but I Play One on TV

After I do something super extraverted & performative such as leading the Speed Meet & Greet or helping Belle with the squirt demo, I need to lie in a dark room for about an hour to weep and recover. But holy hell, the wave I made at the demo would take it out of anyone…

8) My Credit Score is Safe. For Now.

The Sybian isn't the life-changing experience I expected it to be though I fully admit that context and newness/unfamiliarity was likely part of that. Kneeling on the tile floor, even with towels under knees etc. wasn't ideal and I'm sure it takes a while to figure out which positioning, attachments, or combinations of attachments, work best. Since we were borrowing there was only so much cleaning and disinfecting I felt like doing, so only tried one of the attachments. I definitely had an orgasm, but it wasn't the chorus from the heavens orgasm I'd anticipated, which is for the best, because now I don't feel the need to spend 2k on a toy. I would definitely try it again.

9) So We're Still Doing This Jealousy Thing, eh?

I have not conquered jealousy. Another year into non-monogamy and jealousy is still a thing in the right (wrong?) situation. And this year's issues were an uninspired remake of last year's issues (I could really use a new plot, brain): A person I don't get to spend much time with focusing his time and attention on someone younger and (to my perception) more interesting than me. Then several of my other people, including Flick doing the same. I was left feeling sick and abandoned and extraneous though I tried really hard to combat that feeling and be all Compersion BarbieTM. Yay! They're having a great time! *stomach clench* …But why don't they want to have that great time with me? And it was definitely jealousy, not its healthier cousin envy. Waves of those feelings continue as I process the week.

10) Double-Ender Dildos: The Latest in Hot Tub Accessorizing

Wearing a double-ender ‘strapless' strap-on dildo in the hot tub is super-fun. The currents dragged it around in a way that moved the internal portion quite pleasurably inside me, plus I could wear a glow bracelet as a cock ring. I could have tug-of-wars with a giant glowing ball with Ophilia wearing a similar cock. And when Cooper decided to give us both simultaneous handjobs, it could get pulled out of me in a way that caused me to inadvertently raise the water level in the hot tub with squirt fluid. Twice.

11) Get Your Salad Tossed Right Here

I give varsity level rimjobs. That one's straight-up explanabrag.

*I received no financial reward for attending this event and paid for the entire cost of trip out of my own pocket.


Kat (she/they) is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and they almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but they consider themselves non-monogamous and polyamorous, though they occasionally swing. She's also a podcaster - On The Wet Coast Podast - and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. onthewetcoast.com @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Their first book - Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut - is available on Amazon.com, Amazon.ca, Inkterra, and Kobo.

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