Getting Sultry: Finding Community in Sex Positive Play Spaces


There's a monthly sex-positive play party event we've been to that takes place in the local steam baths. I'd heard about it from a partner as well as another friend and was intrigued that it sounded much more interesting, queer friendly, body positive, and inclusive than any of the Swinger events we've attended around town.

After a few months of timing conflicts, we were able to grab tickets and attend. We had a very big moment of panic shortly after purchasing when we discovered that a couple of people we knew from vanilla life were attending and posting in the Facebook group. I wasn't really worried about being outed since we're in that space of everyone opting-in, but I wasn't sure I could go be comfortable in sexy space where people I knew from the outside world would be seeing me fuck. After some panic and some discussion with Flick, I got really honest with the ‘I thought you were vanilla' peeps about how awkward it was and we all decided to acknowledge each other but stay in separate space as best as we could through the night.

When we first arrived almost everyone was stripping down completely naked in the locker room and I was excited to see many different body types and shades of skin represented. I opted to stay partially clothed since I'm incredibly protective of my breasts and until I know no-one is going to touch me without consent (even though I was assured that wouldn't happen there), I wasn't risking exposure to unwelcome hands. I was happy I was wearing something when received naked hugs from aforementioned vanilla friends since fully naked hugging wasn't quite what I was ready for yet. Plus, the leopard print, bows, and turquoise lace set is adorbs. Flick wrapped himself in a sarong and we headed to the cooler of the two steam rooms.

My partner Declan was in the steam room with his wife and I got the chance to meet her as well as a woman he'd met and played with at previous events. It was fun to observe him in that sexy, flirty space with other women. The organizer came in the room and here was a force to be reckoned with as far as enthusiasm and engagement. She wanted to make sure everyone was having fun and talking with others and facilitated connections between people who might want to play.  

She invited everyone into the main area for an icebreaker game called Car Wash, where people would wash each other, first asking something like, ‘May I soap your shoulders?'. Even though icebreakers are my worst nightmare, this game is extremely clever since it gets everyone squeaky clean for playtime and it's an exercise in asking for consent, giving or refusing consent, and accepting yes or no graciously. Since I'm not comfortable putting myself in that kind of vulnerable position until I'm more at ease in a space, and Flick and I weren't interested in playing with others that night, even fairly innocently, we opted to stay where we were in the steam room.

We watched another couple starting to get sexy, so I grabbed the lube and started to give Flick a handjob while we all watched each other. When the hostess came back in to check on us, she noticed we were well-occupied, and moved on. We eventually moved onto one of the massage beds in a cooler area of the venue and began to play more. Blowjob for him (with a lovely assist to bite his thighs and suck his nipples), then a flogging, elevening (with a huge audience, my favourite), and eventual spitroast between Flick and Declan for me; an evening well-spent. We chatted with the organizer after, who was extremely eager to have us back, I think because we jumped into play so easily, helping others to do so too (Declan had mentioned sometimes it took so long to get things going that the event was over before much play started).

It was the most relaxed we'd ever been in a local play space and felt the closest we'd been able to achieve to the Swingset at Desire. We didn't know anyone all that well, but they felt like our tribe in a way the Swinger spaces we'd investigated didn't.

Iris was able to join us on our next trip, and the three of us grabbed one of the most comfortable beds when everyone else started the car wash. I don't think they see a lot of strap-on & toy sex at the event because we eventually had a very large audience for our varied combinations of bodies and silicone or bio cock in multiple orifices. I discovered that I cannot suck cock while thrusting rhythmically, both requiring too much focus, but it was fun to attempt. Another couple asked to share the bed, and we scooched our triad to allow for additional sexy shenanigans nearby. So incredibly hot.

We invited other sexyfriends from our Shenaniversary for our most recent trip and we formed a fivesome: Flick, Iris, Dot, Som, and I. We grabbed space in the steam room and relaxing shoulder rubs turned quickly into much more amorous making out. A few of the single guys in the room asked if they could participate, to touch or kiss, and were politely declined. Thanks to effective social programming to give men what they want, I felt bad about this and was kind of distracted by that discomfort, but soft skin, wet mouths, and exploring hands quickly distracted me.

It was the first night I'd gone completely naked, which felt good, until I realized my nipples were having one of their, ‘All touch is bad!' nights and I shrieked, ‘No no no no no!' only to realize that it was simply someone's back grazing my skin, not deliberate touch. I went to our locker and put on a bra and was able to carry on with a protective layer of fabric between nipple and misery.

We all grabbed our go bags and moved onto the largest playspace while others were doing car wash game–this is a great way to get the best location, especially when you've got a group. I discovered that folding up my absorbent squirt pads was a great way to pad knees on tile floors while sucking off Flick, doubly helpful if I was having a spontaneous squirt night. Iris fingered me while my mouth was occupied and then strapped-on to fuck me, giving me my favourite, and rarely achieved spitroast. Dot was working over Som next to us with her mouth, and Iris reveled in all the gorgeous gal ass she got to enjoy from her angle behind us.

Eventually, we shifted to Iris, still strapped, leaning against Flick while I fucked her, the cock she'd just pounded me with between my tits, and I got so much perverse pleasure from the simultaneous titty fucking. We shifted her to her knees to get a better angle, and she and Dot gave Flick his favourite dual blowjob while I worked her over with the gorgeous, giant, rainbow Colours dildo.

Som was ass fucking Dot next to me, and she was making the best noises, but I realized he wasn't doing it in the way I'd assumed. He was standing behind her, holding his hand at his groin, and thrusting his hips against her in time with his hand thrusts. Brilliant! It meant she got the wonderful bang of his pelvis against her even when he wasn't using his cock. It's such a great workaround that if we both hadn't been so occupied, I'd have high fived him.

I never complain when someone's cock doesn't want to join the party when we're playing. I get that bio cocks are often shy, especially in a new space, or with a new partner. It's never an issue. We have hands, toys, tongues, and provided the guy isn't sulky about it, everything is cool with me. But I do love love love the feeling of getting pounded, their hips slamming against me, and if it's been a while, I'm sometimes disappointed when I don't get to have that feeling (but never bitchy or sulky or even mention-y about it). Som's fingering technique meant Dot got that wonderful pound without his cock needing to lead the show, and I was so excited to see it.

There were more single guys than usual at the event, and a couple of them circled our group, clearly hoping to get in on the action since we had imbalanced numbers. Sure, we maybe didn't have the same number of dudes as chicks, but if they'd checked out our go bags, they'd see we had no shortage of cocks. One got a little too close momentarily, and I was about to ask him to back off when he did himself, and we carried on.

We lay in a sweaty, spent pile for a while once we all felt sated before clearing the space for others to use if they wanted, knees wobbly, and big smiles on our faces.The late-night burgers were the best ever!


Kat (she/they) is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and they almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but they consider themselves non-monogamous and polyamorous, though they occasionally swing. She's also a podcaster - On The Wet Coast Podast - and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Their first book - Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut - is available on,, Inkterra, and Kobo.

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