What Do I Want?


What do I want?

You, of course, do I even need to say that? I have always wanted you. Long time ago I waited for you. Then I stopped waiting but was still hoping, searching faces in the streets – maybe I could see yours… Now I don’t hope anymore. But I still want. I love this wanting. Everyone needs some kind of religion…

And you… So beautiful and wise. Every time I think about you I feel this wave of tenderness. Unless you piss me off :-), but that does not happen much anymore. I am a so much better me thanks to you, to your patience, love and wisdom. After all these years, you still surprise me with your insights. But in the smaller things, I almost always know what you will say. I know you so well. You are in many ways a part of me. And I take you for granted. And you know it, and like it, and how else should it be?

And then there is you… asked me out on a date, just like that!? I give my business cards right and left – it’s business. It was so unexpected, and so flattering! You made me feel so young again. You reminded me how fun it can be to meet someone new. Thank you!

And then there is you…. I can’t figure you out. We’re like cat and mouse – only who’s who? Are you really into some dominance mind games or am I the one who’s pushing you? But something that you said inspired me, so I am still here, waiting… maybe it will happen again.

And then there is you… you were supposed to be my first online date, and you stood me up before I even left the house. It hurt, really hurt. But I learned, and these things don’t hurt as much anymore.

And then there is you… it did not even feel like a date. None of them did really. Just “hanging out.” But it was all fun, and now I see how friends with benefits can be a nice option.

And then there is you… I don’t think we’ll ever meet. I think underneath it all you are a nice guy who doesn’t want to hurt his wife. That first time we chatted, you said something, and later that night I had that beautiful thought and wrote that beautiful poem, and I am really grateful, and I like you for that.

And then there is you… I had no expectations, and, oh man, you do look like a criminal. But then you started talking, and the words that you used, the things that you said – I could have said them all myself. And I started seeing something in your eyes. And then all of a sudden you dump me. Because you “agreed to commit to a monogamous relationship.” Sounds like doom, doesn’t it? But I really hope it works out for you.

And then there is you… told me that I am “too nice a person to have kinky sex with.” That was so offensive, and such bad timing for me. And then … the sex was not that good, and not what I would call kinky, and it was your fault. Slut ;-P

And then there is you… so kind and generous, it can be very emotional and sentimental, and then – craaack! – something stalls. Some kind of mismatch. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I’ll figure it out, more likely I’ll stop thinking about it.

And then you 🙂 – a possibility of a new love? Yes, I am still thinking of you. Every day, many times a day. I still want a little bit of you for me, for a little while, I think. I will be there in summer, I will be going mainly for you. Will we meet again? Would you kiss me for the first time again? Will I ever write to you? Or maybe you’re just that for me: something intangible and lost that wasn’t meant to be.

And then all of you… some pleasant, some creepy, some surprising, some completely unmemorable. And I want you all: the full range of emotions! After all these years of having accepted that I can only experience through stories of others, I can have all the excitement first hand! Someone said, as long as you don’t choose the possibilities are endless. But I think you can choose, and keep, and choose again, and keep, and as long as you don’t stop searching, the possibilities are endless.



After about 10 years in a relatively happy monogamous relationship, we opened it up, thanks to my (really silly) crush and the (sometimes) infinite wisdom of my partner. We are dating separately and could be described as polyamorous if one has to choose a label. It’s been an exciting experience so far, discovering others and myself. At times I feel inspired to write about some of the feelings and thoughts I had on the way.

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